Gift Guide #7: Your Sweet Dad Whose Love Language Is Taking Your Car for an Oil Change.

Services are lovely! Massage, acupuncture, etc. (many make home visits on request).

We give my husband’s grandparents framed photos of candid moments of them with their grandchildren. They’re from a generation that doesn’t necessarily makes a lot of photos, let alone digitally. So every year, I try to find a sweet photo that shows their bond and print and frame that.

Alternatively, my siblings and I gifted my mom a digital photo frame and we randomly upload photos whenever we remember it.

Good luck!

Plan a special day with him, doing something together that he enjoys or just visiting. See if you can get him to tell you a story you’ve never heard, or ask him a question that gets him talking about his life. Even better, ask him for advice, even if you’d never in a million years take it. I just drove half a day to visit my 95-year-old grandfather. He drove me to lunch, introduced me to all the restaurant staff, and told me about his first job, working in an ice cream cone factory when he was 14. I can’t buy him anything he doesn’t already have but he loves it when I visit. Time is truly the greatest gift at that age.

My father passed 1 1/2 years ago at 90, in similar condition before his illness. Some of the gifts he really enjoyed were the LL Bean Sherpa lined flannel shirts and shirt jac – super soft and comfortable – he wore them over a t-shirt and they really helped keep him warm without being too bulky or heavy. Also the Google Nest Hub Max – so many uses! I uploaded photos and it was a digital photo album. He wasn’t at all tech savvy, but I wrote out all the commands so he could ask google to play all his favorite music, ask for the news, the weather, the time or anything he wanted to know. It was difficult for him to hear on the phone as he got older, but the speaker on the hub was much easier for him to be able to talk on the phone and he could also make video calls to my son across the country. As well, in an emergency if he couldn’t get to the phone, he could just ask google to call me for help.
He also liked to sketch when he was younger, and I bought a couple of sketchbooks and drawing pencils so we could do that together while we visited, even though I have no artistic ability – and a deck of cards – again just something fun we could do together when I came to visit.

Some great suggestions here!

Would he enjoy a photo turned into a jigsaw puzzle? Grandkids, a favorite travel memory, an old family photo? I do this for my mom every few years and it’s always a hit!

That’s an incredible gift!! He gets to feel love and show it with the same action. Pizza is a powerful thing. ☺️

Thanks Sasha!

The $23 million Bookshop has raised since 2020 says otherwise. If anything, indies are thriving.

Sadly I welcome you to the Lost Fathers Club.

I don’t think of my parents too often. But I live my life every day with the thought of making them proud……especially in the area of caring for my family (and ESPECIALLY in the area of loving my grandchildren). I’m sure that this determination has helped me deal with my grief. Maybe it could help you too.

What was it that Winnie the Pooh said? “How fortunate I was to have something that was so hard to lose”. Only us lucky ones understand that. Wishing you peace.

Thanks for sharing the sweet memories of your dad. We lost my godfather/beloved uncle this year and the stories are the only way I’m getting through. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Jennifer-

I’ve had great luck with Lake Champlain Chocolate and Theo Chocolate. Theo has some classics but also has fun bars like giant s’mores, caramels, etc. Lake Champlain has a great assortment of truffles and caramels. Definitely more in the $30 price range.

I got my sister-in-law a box of chocolates from Zoe’s chocolate company and she loved it! Maybe this one? https://zoeschocolate.com/collections/holiday-items-candy-canes/products/fabulously-festive-chocolates?variant=703543721

Everyone ever loves See’s candies. https://www.sees.com

They are locally made in Athens, GA and I can vouch for the quality as a frequent buyer: https://www.condorchocolates.com/shop

Jacques Torres is great!
https://mrchocolate.com/products/assorted-bonbons-with-happy-holidays-sleeve

Check out Chocolaterie Stam! It’s been years since I tried their chocolates in Des Moines but I remember them being outstanding, and they seem in your price range. https://shop.stamchocolate.com/

We love Ginger Elizabeth’s: https://gingerelizabeth.com/collections/holiday/products/holiday-collection-24-piece-box. They have different options at different price points.

Fran’s Chocolates in Seattle is a female-owned, family business with the best chocolates in the world and beautifully presented! It’s been around for 40 years. I’d recommend a mix of truffles and salted caramels
https://frans.com/gifts/35-and-under/fran-s-assortments

Munson’s Chocolates are delicious and they have different box sizes/ price options. I’m not sure how much shipping is, which might put you over the limit.

Maybe Louis Sherry chocolates. It’s $40 for a really cool tin of 12 truffles. They have lots of different artists design the tins. They have some beautiful ones designed by John Derian right now.

Arrowhead Chocolates from Joseph, OR are the best chocolates I’ve ever had and they are more in the $30 range. I especially recommend their huckleberry, chocolate, and espresso truffles – but really all have been delicious.

Highly regarded in Iowa…
https://shop.stamchocolate.com/

Not sure if they’re available in the US, if that’s where you are, but Charbonnel et Walker are my absolute favourites
https://charbonnel.co.uk

I don´t know where you are based but Alain Ducasse makes the most delicious high-quality chocolate products with some understated but still thoughtful design.

https://www.lechocolat-alainducasse.com/fr/

See’s candies! Delicious and you can make a custom box for ~$30

If you are open to something like a truffle, look into Melty Bars from Oaks Candy in Wisconsin. They are $50 for a box of 24 bars and worth every penny. They are wonderfully chocolaty and quite literally melt in your mouth.

Lagusta’s Lucious is my go-to gift! https://lagustasluscious.com/

Jennifer,

I’ll recommend any of the chocolatiers that have won Good Food Awards! The Good Food Foundation is a non-profit that gives awards to makers in the United States who pass rigorous blind tasting AND sustainability requirements. Many of the large producers use cocoa which is produced with the assistance of child labor, palm oil that is ruining our forests & animal habitats, etc – plus I always think it’s wonderful to support a small business instead of a big one!

For what it’s worth – The Good Food Awards recognizes producers in all different categories – so if you’re shopping for cheese, charcuterie, pickles, beer, spirits, jams, coffee, snacks, etc – there’s something for everyone.

You can check out all the winners here: https://goodfoodfdn.org/awards/winners/

(this is now seeing like an ad for The Good Food Awards, but I swear it’s not, ha! I just love what they’re doing to support makers in the US :) )

No chocolate suggestion to add that hasn’t been mentioned, but I just wanted to say I think it’s hilarious/wonderful that this chocolate suggestion thread is perhaps the longest I’ve ever seen on CoJ! :)

Markham and Fitz makes lovely, interesting chocolate! And I think they’re at the price point you’re looking for. They’re also woman owned, passionate about sustainability, and care deeply about the cacao supply chain. And they ship nationally! https://markhamandfitz.com/

My grandparents are very similar and while they sometimes still go to the theater, that’s a rarer occasion these days. I think part of it is because my grandparents now go to bed much earlier, so the idea of being out til 11 at night is far less appealing. They now stream some of their favorite operas or shows. Could you buy them a year subscription of a streaming service and show them how to set it up and use it? Could be a nice way for them to have special evenings at home without the stress.

I’m not sure where you live but in Seattle there are throngs of theaters that offer sliding scale pricing on theater tickets. There’s also matinee shows that happen on Sunday afternoons around 2pm in many of these places. You could always get them matinee tickets which are generally cheaper anyway and go with them yourself! A nice daughter-in-law weekend date!

I think your idea is a GEM!! Maybe offer a few suggestions (i.e., perhaps this or that, but that’s just a few quick ideas) you think they’d enjoy so they are comfortable with the price point of what they choose. Just be clear exactly what is including, such as if you are treating them to dinner or just arranging their reservations, etc. What a thoughtful gift idea!

I think this is a WONDERFUL idea. Super thoughtful, and if presented as “this is an outing we want you to share with us”, I can’t see a single negative. Thumbs up

I think this is a lovely idea. Another option might be to find them a driver. I think this is often a word of mouth service but a
Local senior center might know
Someone who does this on a per ride basis.

I think that’s a beautiful idea and you should do it anyway. Truly.

Not quite the same, but as another option, I’ve given my elderly, opera-loving dad a gift subscription to the Met Opera On Demand (https://www.metopera.org/season/on-demand/gift-subscriptions/) for the last two years, and he really enjoys it!

The Regina Quick Center at Fairfield U in Fairfield CT was offering streaming experiences / subscriptions of theater opera ballet etc performances that people could attend in the afternoon!! I think if you look you might find other of these near them. World class options. Good luck!

Love this idea–sounds so lovely & thoughtful!
If the concern is getting the flu or COVID, needing to avoid large crowds, or needing to avoid bad weather, maybe you could hire a musician such as a violinist to come to their home & perform. My neighbors hired a mariachi band to serenade their parents & the band stayed on the patio as they came to the door & it was wonderful.
Wishing you all happy holidays!

I love this!
You are giving them tickets plus your company and your time.

Hey! Here in the Netherlands the cinema shows filmed live performances, that might be a more comfortable option? You can even watch them at home through the cinema’s app if you purchase the recording. Or maybe just a good DVD version of a live play/concert would work, with accompanying snacks so they can make a night of it at home. With my grandmother, I find that meeting her (metaphorically) where she’s comfortable is just so much less stressful for her. Good luck!

I absolutely LOVE this idea! I think it is brilliant and thoughtful and will be an evening of special memories for all of you. I always love to be gifted experiences!

However, if your husband continues to be resistant to the idea, may I suggest an alternative: how about hiring a local opera singer or duo (or other kind of performer) to come to them? Just a few nights ago I was looking at my (very small) city’s local opera theater’s website about an event I saw advertised for New Year’s Eve. Curious about who the performers are, I started googling each of their names to learn more about their bios- turns out some were raised in the area, some are NYC-based but temporarily here for the season, etc, and almost all of them advertised private performances. Reading one performer’s reviews, I was struck by a comment a woman made about how completely thrilled she was to have hired this woman to sing opera outside the nursing home her parents both live in during Covid, and what a treat it was for not just her parents but all of the residents. Perhaps you could arrange for a daytime private performance at their house (or yours), and invite some of their like-minded friends to enjoy the day, too?

So appreciate all these creative and thoughtful suggestions!

So my grandparents are like this and it drives my aunts and uncles crazy- but they finally told my mother why: the bathroom. They were embarrassed about not having easy access to a bathroom. They were concerned the ride in the Uber would be too long, where would they stop for the bathroom? Would the seats be near a bathroom at the event? They are so concerned about having accidents. So just something to think about, maybe it’s a bathroom thing!

My in-laws also did the hiring a singer thing for my husbands grandparents during COVID. They hired a Frank Sinatra impersonator to come sing happy birthday. He ended up doing a few songs and residents were so tickled and happy. Supposedly there was dancing in the halls!

I love this

AWWW! That has just made me well up, what a lovely idea Andrea

Oh man, I love this and may need to immediately steal it. My parents are always trying to make group photos work, but my siblings live all over the place. So this is a genius solution and completely doable. Thanks for suggesting it!

Same here. And they’re so expensive! Maybe it’s just me, and the financial realities this year for my family, but nearly all the gifts here and in the other guides are so pricey. I appreciate the effort–just wonder how on earth everyone else can spend this much on gifts this year.

mle, it’s not just you

I love this so much!! It for some reason made me nostalgic and smile and teary all at once — this is an incredibly thoughtful gift and I can just imagine the excitement. Thank you for a brilliant suggestion and for having a generous and creative heart! xx

A wonderful idea!!

I love this!! I agree that the costs could range. And especially for family that’s far away, it’s a sweet way for them to feel “thought of” throughout the year. Thanks!!

this is a wonderful gift!

What an AMAZING idea, Silly Lily! Filing this away, for sure. Thank you for sharing!

I did this for my mother one year – small binder with clear sleeves and printed out the months of the year and inserted. I added everyone’s birthday and then insert cards into the sleeves. I added get well cards, sympathy cards, and books of fun stamps. It was a hit!

Amazing thoughtful gift idea- thanks for sharing!

This is an amazing idea! ❤️

This is a fun idea! Did your gift recipients wait to open the envelope once they got to each month for the surprise of it?

This is so adorable. I’m going to adapt it for my 5 1/2 year old daughter. Thank you!

Susan, our recipients did NOT wait for each month to discover their gift; they got a kick looking at them all at once. And more than that — I already mentioned that my parents ran through all their dinner gift cards by February; and the year we gave my MIL a hair salon visit each month, she was done by Easter. But we just thought that was funny and it confirmed the fact that they really enjoyed their gift. Enjoy your gift shopping and have a great Holiday!

What about a new aged mix-tape (aka a personalized spotify playlist)? I made a massive playlist for a road-trip we took that had a mix of nostalgia, his favorites, oldies, and newbies – he still talks about how great it was.

Even though he doesn’t like sweets, you could make a savory treat. A nicely put together jar of a special blend of roasted nuts that he would like, or a custom snack mix/chex mix with his favorites (goldfish, corn nuts, rice crackers??) Or focusing on an experience like you mentioned is a great idea – perfect date together or orchestrate an amazing afternoon or evening for him to have some time on his own doing what he enjoys if that matches his personality.

Same here :) The oldie but goodie “kids coupon book” or “wife/spouse/partner coupon book” (you can make that as fun as you want!) is always a hit. My husband doesn’t need more stuff besides new socks.

My kids are going to do that this year. Things like: “a walk just with dad” or “a coffee shop date, kiddo pays” or “a board game *letting dad win*” — honestly he struggles with intentional things to do with the kids in this busy season and appreciates help in curating them sometimes. It won’t be forever, but we do what we need to.

This is maybe not the most romantic idea, but are there any projects that he’s been aching to complete but can’t find the time or the one little necessary doodad? I would love to have my car detailed (like DETAILED detailed, like those tik tok videos), my knives sharpened, a shelf built in our storage “room” so that the bins can be organized, my hand-washables washed, and a tiny springy screw so that I can wear my favorite watch again.

Is there anything like that that he’s been pining to get done that you could do for him?? Drawers you could organize, obnoxious errands you could complete, a garage you could sweep and mop? Man what I would give to start the new year off with an empty to do list!

How about a special playlist? I made a mix cd for my sister a few years ago, and I still love to put it on!

I love an experiential gift–a January game night with friends, hot cider, and popcorn; a trip to a local historical spot, off-the-beaten-path museum, or state park for a hike; or my mom’s #1 all-time request every holiday (she is a nurse) a coupon book with foot massages from the kids or my dad. Her feet were always sore after a shift and she loved nothing better than a cup of tea while one of us rubbed her toes :)

What about an at-home date experience? Cook him a favorite meal. Buy his favorite beverage. Put together a playlist. Do the dishes AND let him choose a movie.
Writing this out makes me want to do the same for my husband. Maybe I’ll send the kids to my brother’s house for the evening and plan it out.

My dad is likewise not a sweets person, but I make him this fancy granola and he’s obsessed https://www.seriouseats.com/eleven-madison-park-granola-salty-recipe

I’ve also considered making him a liqueur like a limoncello, but haven’t done it yet

In October 2020 my partner threw a Halloween party for me….aka lit a fire, played music and got s’mores ingredients and a small flask of whiskey.

We joked about how uncool it was to be first to a party AND how fun it was to be the last two at the party.

Maybe a dance party for 2?

For my hard-to-shop-for husband, and because we are also on a strict budget, I’m attempting to fix his beloved broken coffee grinder. Our neighborhood library (shout out the the amazing Arlington, VA public library!) is hosting a “fix it yourself” workshop. Perhaps you could undertake a similar project around the house, something you’ve been putting off and just never get to?
Another thing I’ve done: print a photo of your home, trace over it on a piece of plain white paper (you can hold it against the window on a sunny day to be able to see through the paper), then frame the line drawing. You don’t really have to be artsy to do this, just able to trace some straight lines. I made a triptych of the three places we’ve lived together, and he seemed to really appreciate it — this is the only gift that’s made my stoic spouse tear up!

I made my husband a laminated card for his wallet that had (NAME) IS: at the top, followed on both sides with attributes I see in him like: lving, loved, handy, handsome,
He keeps it in his wallet to this day. You can get a packet of self laminating business cards by 3M for less than $10.

Alternately, there are gift books that you can fill in that talk about what you love about the two of you as a couple.

@Andrea – came here to suggest something similar. For my husband’s 50th, I wrote out 50 things I love about him on little pieces of paper and hid them in the suitcase we were taking with us for a little get away. I think I may have numbered them so we could sorta keep track. He would find them throughout the course of the weekend which was fun and I think he was really touched to be so “seen”. It was a nice exercise for me too to remember all his special qualities.

For a holiday rift, perhaps you could do it for the 12 days or Christmas or 8 days or Chanukah (or whatever is appropriate) and perhaps look for holiday theme appreciations/loves like how he gets up before everyone else to make coffee/breakfast on Christmas morning or he makes a big deal out of selecting/decorating the tree or how he cleans up after unwrapping gifts, you get the idea.

My fella doesn’t like ‘stuff’ but loves music, so he gets a concert date for his birthday & Christmas. It doesn’t have to be an expensive artist, and it doesn’t have to happen at Christmas which helps our budget. For Christmas I wrap up snacks that are just for him or beer, etc. I’m thinking of making him bitters, too, but we’re making dozens and dozens of cookies for his family so I might not have time.

How about getting a cool-looking jar and fill it with little slips of paper, each with something you love about him? I’ve done this for special birthdays, ie. 30 things on a 30th birthday. You could come up with a # that’s meaningful to you, whether that’s # of years/months you’ve been married, his age, etc. It’s a nice thing to cheer him up when he’s feeling down.

If your husband likes massages, you could do a home spa day, like a massage, a bath with candles or bubble bath, nice music, etc.

Another idea is just to write him a detailed thoughtful letter. It could be a detailed memory you have of a great day together or what your hopes are for the future. Even a look back on how you got through tough times together and how you love him because of it.

All these ideas are great for parents, too! Love them!

Wow, thanks, everyone! I really appreciate such thoughtful and lovely ideas!

This would be PERFECT for my dad’s upcoming 75th birthday! Thank you for the idea!

I wanted to get that S & P set as a nod to my family roots in Denmark but when you click on country of origin it says China. So I’m looking for something else made in Denmark that is practical.

I would employ the sandwich method. Happy, sad, happy. Maybe a $20 with a note about where he likes to get coffee or a joke about gas money to go hiking/golfing whatever his hobby is. The donation to colon cancer research. And then a gift card, coupon for something from your family, or another donation to something else he cares about.

I don’t have any expertise on this although I do gift donations sometimes and they are always well received, but it sounds to me like a thoughtful and kind gift to me!

I would give the donation along with a token gift to open as well – like a fancy chocolate bar, nice soap, anything like that you think he might enjoy. It’s just about the gesture, really. Good luck!

I agree with your hunch that the donation gift isn’t quite the right fit for the occasion because it is a little too bittersweet and differs too much from your MIL gift. How about trying to create a parallel gift to the sweater and hand cream, something cozy & something consumable. Maybe a scarf and a locally made artisan goody. An amaryllis bulb is always a beautiful gift too. It sounds like you are such a thoughtful daughter in law!

Do the donation! It really is stating that you see him!

I agree that the donation will make him feel seen/heard. Could you pair it with a nice knit hat (like the one Jo linked to in an earlier comment) cozy blanket, socks, and cross-stitch a tiny heart somewhere in memory of the friend, to go with it? Tangible and practical? Or the donation plus a gift card for coffee, and when he’s up for it you take him to coffee and hear some stories?

I think the donation is great, but agree that I try to find similar-ish gifts for my FIL and MIL. If you want to give him something to open, either in addition or instead, last year I gave my dad a Vuori quarter-zip long sleeve – it is the softest material and he wears it all the time. who doesn’t love something cozy??

I think it’s a lovely idea, and that he’d be touched by your thoughtfulness. I think it’s ok if it is a little sad/bittersweet, because it’s meaningful too. Last year my grandma passed away, and for Christmas I got everyone in my family a tea towel with her favorite handwritten recipe printed on it. Did everyone cry? You bet. Did they love and appreciate it? Absolutely.

Wow, thank you everyone for your advice! I think I will do the donation, and combine it with another gift like a book or nice hat or chocolate as many suggested. Thank you again for such thoughtful responses, and happy holidays to all!!

As a HUGE DMB fan, but I weeping at him having a drawing by Dave himself. I did get his autograph as a kid- before I was actually a fan- and he did a peace sign on it and I still have it. That’s like the gift of the century right there!

When she turned 5 I took my goddaughter out for the day as a gift. She chose children’s museum, lunch and Target to watch the movie trailers in the toy section (lol).

I’m also taking her to The Nutcracker and dinner this year as a Christmas gift. She still talks about her birthday outing as “the best gift ever!”

This is a weird one – put my son got a little potted plant for his birthday and he’s OBSESSED with tending to it and sending pictures of its growth to family members. It’s very sweet and helps him have a sense of responsibility :)

Have you checked out The Kids Should See this gift guide? https://tksstgiftguide.tumblr.com/ I always find great gifts there, I even find stuff for me!

Get her Magna Tiles!

I often get kids this age books – old classics they might not know Roxenboxen, When the Relatives Came, Year of the Perfect Christmas Tree – or art supplies. If you aren’t familiar with paint sticks they are the best.

For that age, a venus fly trap and a packet of seeds for growing edible flowers. I’ve always had luck with those!

Have you seen the busy toddler guides? She focuses on open ended toys

https://busytoddler.com/category/gift-guide/

My four year old niece has so many toys *cough* too many *cough*. Recently for her birthday, we got her a sticker book of funny faces. $10 at Costco and she really enjoyed it.

I think books are always a wonderful gift for a child with many toys or some kind of experience, like tickets to a children’s play or museum. Look for a local children’s theater near you. The plays are professional and they are often very affordable.

My kids are 6 years old, and I’m a big fan of gifts they can make and then be done with. It’s sort of a hands-on experience gift. Examples include: cookie decorating kit, gingerbread house kit, Kiwi Co projects, painting an ornament/ceramic unicorn. Bonus points if you can stick around to help them do the project — quality time for you and your niece is always a sweet gift.

Has she ever been ice skating? We took our four year old ice skating as a special treat (no siblings, just her and us), and it was magical for her. We fell all over ourselves, but she loved it.

Krista! That website is amazing- thank you!!!

love this, Ann!

This is so tough. My husband had a similar relationship with his dad and I was estranged from my brother for 5 years. The holidays remind you of happy families and shove holiday cheer down your throat.

After I go out in public and have to hear Christmas music I come home and allow myself half an hour to listen to sad and/or angry music as a palette cleanser. Other things that help me are exercise. Doesn’t matter if it’s sweaty or a chill walk around the block. Also, CBD and fuzzy blankets.

Sounds like my Dad. What helped me was watching YouTube videos on narcissism and being a child of a narcissist.

This is me but my mother. I don’t have to describe it because those who know, “know”! I have no magical advice except that I offer my understanding for what you’re going through and that you’re not alone. I realized that my mother had a personality disorder (borderline in her case) and would never change no matter what I did or how I tried to love her more. Communication became so harmful that going “no contact” was the healthiest solution for me. It’s sad. What I wouldn’t give for a loving parental relationship. It’s been about 5 years and I am soooo much better both physically and mentally. Making the choice to not enter the boxing ring helped me see things more clearly and helped me give myself the love I needed and deserve. Hugs and much strength to you my friend.

I’m so sorry that this is your relationship with your father. I have a similarly difficult relationship with my both my parents, which has been even more difficult as they have descended further down the conspiracy theory hole.

All I can say is you’re not alone and relationships are a two-way street. If your father can’t understand that, than he doesn’t deserve a relationship with you. I’ve had to keep setting boundaries with my parents (i.e. if you are not vaccinated, you cannot be around my newborn) and it is hard, but worth it. After years of gaslighting me, I still have to remind myself that I’m not bad or unworthy because they choose to say and do hurtful things to me. Anyway, don’t know if that helps but you are certainly not alone and you are worthy.

I am in such a hard place on every side with my dad, too. Holidays are so gut wrenchingly hard. I heard this song by the Bengsons this morning and it gave language to the deep, unique grief you’re describing.

https://m.facebook.com/video.php/?video_id=3416154218705833

While young my French father was larger than life amazing! I loved him beyond reason. But he was a very emotionally damaged man from WWII experiences. As a teen and young woman I needed to make my way on my own and eventually after he
left my mother in a terribly prolonged ‘running away’ and badly in debt I just needed to mourn the loss of him and yes therapy, but also I gave myself the gift of no longer subjecting myself to his toxic environment. I deserved mot to be treated that way and.neither do you. The therapy meant that I was able to fall in love with an incredible man who further healed the last part of the wound because there isn’t a competitive bone in his body! Give yourself permission not to be abused. I’m not saying you won’t be sad. But you won’t be sad and demeaned as well. Make your friend family the valuable source of strength and support you all celebrate this season.

Thank you EVERY one who commented, surely made me feel less alone. Rae, it’s actually both of my parents- I just didn’t have the guts to write/ admit it when I commented. It doesn’t help being an INFJ+ empath to deal with the gaslighting, and then manage the cognitive dissonance they create.