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Oh yes I love this idea!

I’m in the exact same situation with my mom. I have just come to terms with the fact that she absolutely loves buying lots of gifts for us, and just let it happen. When my kids were little, I tried to curb it. But, now I realize she’s in her 70s, it brings her joy, and we can pass along items when we are through. I always buy my parents one gift, or one gift each that I try to put a lot of thought into. I do not believe my mom’s intent is for us to reciprocate her generosity by dollar amount. Thankfully my brother and his family seem to take a similar approach to us. I’m not sure of advice, but I know it’s hard. I have an extremely large bag of gifts here that my mom sent home with us over Thanksgiving–it’s huge. Also, I go through my kids’ rooms prior to the holidays and their birthdays with them to try to get rid of items they don’t use, to make room for the new gifts. And, I remind them that they will be receiving plenty of new gifts.

One more thought, we stopped buying our children a lot of gifts for the holidays. We buy them practical things like nice socks, pajamas, maybe a few small fun things. I just succumb to the fact that my parents will do the bulk of shopping for them, saves us money, and my kids don’t really seem to notice or care. It’s kind of nice when they say that grandma and grandpa buy them the big, fun gifts. If that’s how my mom (and dad, by default) want to be remembered, then that’s not a hill I need to climb at this point.

I also have 2 small children and a severe aversion to stuff! My “solution” is living overseas away from both sets of grandparents and in a country without a postal system! But actually, could you try steering towards experiences and consumables? Or do a fun “bad santa” or white elephant? We do that in my extended family and often the gifts are actually better when someone is trying to buy for someone specific and it’s also a lot of fun.

Elle, I feel for you. a few suggestions that have helped me and might help you:
1. make a list throughout the year of things that you/the kids DO need. i love this because randomly throughout the year things come up and people ask what you want/need and this takes the pressure off having to come up with something in that moment, and as gift givers, we know we want to give useful non-clutter things (i dont need any more earrings ever!). Pre-holidays, set a norm by sharing a few items and asking your loved ones to claim them (you can also give options but make sure you know who is giving what to prevent overlap).
2. Start a new tradition of a white elephant or some other “gently used-swap”, this could be with family or friends, or even kid groups (swap good condition toys, clothing, etc.). If you lead by example, it can help others follow.
3. if you really don’t need anything, explain the burden that receiving more causes (in our limited storage, it is hard to accommodate more ____), then give the alternative: this year what I REALLY want is a donation to _____. or: this year i’d love an “experience” gift to go see a movie with you and you can buy tickets.

I don’t think you can make it happen without having an actual conversation with all of them (although maybe you can do it over email or text?) where you say that it feels like too much, and you want to change things up so that you can emphasize spending time together and the real spirit of the season. So, you’re going to ask them only to give one thing to you (apiece, maybe, if that feels easier, and maybe set a price limit), and you will be doing the same for them. And then, if people love to shop, maybe you can buy some things for Toys for Tots or Baby2Baby or some other worthy local group. And then at least stick to buying them only one thing each.

set up a college fund…. at bank. our grandparents try for a 50/50 split. half college, half gifts…..

As someone who’s broke as a joke due to my teen’s braces payments, I appreciate that we all drew names at Thanksgiving. If they decline drawing names, tell them not to get you anything and just don’t get others things this year. You can stop anytime – it’s just a social expectation. Life is short and if they don’t talk to you it’s their problem.

This year after gifts, like at brunch the next day, or via group email, announce that next year you would like to do Secret Santa. At the next family gathering – draw names from a hat. Then everyone has their person to think of for the entire year. Or do the draw at the next Thanksgiving. Emphasize No Cheating by getting a little something extra for anyone other than their draw. Good Luck!

Hi Elle! I come from a family of abundant gift givers and I hear you! A few years ago, I had an honest, and uncomfortable, conversation with my mother about how the sheer abundance of stuff was taking the joy out of Christmas for me– we were opening gifts from outside of our home prior to Christmas because it made me feel so frustrated and unseen and unheard and disrespected that no one was listening to our requests for less stuff for us and our kid (I didn’t share all those details with her, cause that would be hurtful, but it is what prompted me to finally act). I requested one gift only for my son and said no gifts for us and informed them that we were only giving one gift as well. She was upset, I was upset, BUT… after she had time to sit with the idea, she enjoyed the thought that went into finding the right one gift (I provided some very specific ideas for our kiddo), rather than a bunch of okay little things. My spouse had the same conversation with his mother and she also came around. We did compromise- my own mother couldn’t not buy me a gift, but she has agreed to only one, which I appreciate. Feeling seen and heard has been the best outcome of having had this conversation, and I’m now better able to accept the gifts in the spirit in which they were given and to more fully enjoy the holidays.

These tips helped me:
show appreciation for all the past gifts
frame it as a values thing (we live in a small home for a reason)
I’m a grown up who understands that Christmas is about more than gifts- thanks to her!
Make it about money – we can’t keep up with this gift giving (this worked well with my siblings- we all needed to cut costs and this worked. If I see something my sister will love, I get it. Some years I get her a gift and she doesn’t get me one and vice versa and it’s totally fine cause we’ve had a real conversation about it)
My son is not deprived – he gets lots of things from her and in-laws and Santa and friends and, and, and…
I also let her get him the coolest thing he wants and send lots of videos on and after Christmas and birthdays to reinforce that this one thing is really awesome and super well loved. It emotional labor, sure, but it’s worth it to me.

I hope this helps! This conversation was really hard and is ongoing, but it really has vastly improved my holiday experiences and opened up the lines of communication in a positive way. Good luck!

I very much struggle with the same thing. I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings but I need to set a boundary. Aside from being unnecessary, costly, and wasteful, all the toys and stuff is a burden on my life.

Holy cow, thank you for all the replies! So many great ideas. MGH, thanks for sharing how it went down after your uncomfortable conversation. I know my mom has already purchased all of our presents, and I think around new years (hello, resolution), I will lay the groundwork for next Christmas. Xoxo to you all!

A photo blanket! I got them for my girls and my nieces a few years ago and they were a huge hit. I got a groupon for mine randomly but you can find them lots of places.

What about a beautiful music box from Wooderful life? Our daughter received one for her first birthday and we all still love it, and at 7 years old she still loves to wind it up and play it

It’s kitschy, but a build a bear and put you voice in it saying I love you or something? Or one of those books that you can record your voice reading to her?

About 17 years ago, I lived far away from my first niece so I gifted her the build a bear with my voice.

Pinhole press does really cute ‘Faces’ books! Perfect for littles and a great Christmas gift! https://pinholepress.com/mini-book-of-names-and-faces

A Shutterfly 8×8 photo book with a large photo of each family member and their name below on each page. I did this for my daughter and she loved it.

My sister in law got our son a board book of family photos, made on Shutterfly or something similar. Each page was a different grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, even our dog! She used social media and reached our to request a couple of specifics (like my mom and son) but it was so thoughtful. Since we’re scattered all over, it also helped him learn everyone’s names and remember their faces!

Grimm’s rainbow!

On artifact uprising you can make a custom board book. They’re really cute! My mother in law made my baby one and she loves it. It has drawings she made plus pictures of family.

A cousin gave my daughter a photo album with tons of pictures of family with her for her first Christmas last year, and she still LOVES it. She was 7 months last Christmas. It was special and she also started learning family and friends’ names from it!

Artifact Uprising and Pinhole Press both have photo board books you can make. I’ve always thought they were so beautiful, and the perfect special gift for a baby!

I love custom books by Wonderbly and have gifted 3 nieces books over the years. They make a lovely keepsake!

My daughter’s favorite gift on her first Christmas was a small Corelle baby doll. It’s been 13 years but I still remember the look of joy on her face when she opened it.

A board book with pictures of family member faces and names. Babies love looking at pictures of faces, and it’s particularly nice if some family is far away. Pinhole press and artifact uprising both have options you can customize – just add pictures!

Hi, mom of an 11 month old! Here’s what’s on my list… a height growth chart, play kitchen, wagon, and kitchen helper stepstool thing. Can also never go wrong with a trip to the zoo, just you two (double present for the parents, too!) Hope that helps and good luck!

Depending on your and her parents situation (maybe they’ve already done it). What about a 529 (if you’re in the US) account for her future education? Even tiny contributions now will be worth thousands in 18 years. I’m not a financial guru at all but this is the one thing I think I’ve done right for the young people in my life.

If you live close enough how about an experience gift? We have a local museum that does baby sensory sessions, it’s something you could do together.

A wooden stool with her name made of blocks. I still have mine from when I was a baby. Both my daughters love theirs and use them all the time. Kids need stools all the time!

A nod to her first Christmas is what I’d suggest …. a custom ornament with her name (my kids FLIP for these), a beautiful snow globe she can treasure for years (“This is from my aunty Stacey!”), a stocking, or a special Christmas book to treasure each year (FWIW, I love “Twenty-Five December Lane” for a pick you’ll never see on a suggestions list).

One caveat: check with her mum first. I had a sister-in-law who wanted to jump the queue when it came to sentimental gifts, and give the kids things that *I* had dreamed of getting them (like a stocking), and that made for some tension.

Look at personalized name gifts on Etsy, like a name puzzle or something like that.

Open a 529 college savings plan. Especially since she is too young to really appreciate a gift, this one is an easy win-win and really shows you care about her and her future.

Oh wow, y’all came through with the suggestions! These are the most amazing ideas, I love them all and I appreciate all of you taking the time to help a stranger!

Not sure if anyone remembers this, but this niece is the one I mentioned in the comments back in the spring, who had open heart surgery at a month old. She’s the most beautiful, funny, sassy baby, AND she and her family recently moved from a thousand miles away to a half hour away! So now I get to snuggle her whenever I want. I’m the happiest aunt in the world.

Julie … might your solar lanterns be hanging ones? I’m on the hunt without any luck for larger hanging solar lanterns for posts in my garden and around the patio.

Great ideas, I’m going to need links to all those, especially the Tom Selleck shirt

Bonnie, check out allsop for solar lanterns. Ours lasted for years.
https://allsopgarden.com/

Yes! I think I’ve commented here a few times about this over the years. There’s very real and absolutely horrendous suffering that goes into creating items from some of the brands in this list. If we choose to ignore it, we’re participating in it. Please switch to cruelty free 🙏

Hi! Mid-thirties here, work at a law firm so conservative dress code. I love Theory pants (you can find them for less than $100 at TJ Maxx most of the time or ThredUP) and loafers. A heeled mule is pretty comfy as well.

I’d go with classic weejuns loafers and straight leg slightly cropped pants. This look has never let me down. Easy to wear and feel pulled together.
https://www.ghbass.com/women/view-all/weejuns

What about something like this, with loafers or chelsea boots? https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E450606-000/00?colorDisplayCode=71&sizeDisplayCode=003

Me too! Emerging twin mom lol – we are hitting 3 years old. I am immensely thankful lol.

I splurged on those Rothy’s and I have to say, Amazing. I’m also a fan just straight black work pants with a blazer to mix and match with stuff. I went with the Torrid ones. But 100%. Work wear is a need again lol.

Have a great holiday season!

definitely second weejuns loafers. For pants I just bought these from uniqlo and they look way nicer than the price

https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E450625-000/00?colorDisplayCode=39&sizeDisplayCode=003

Somehow my newborn turns 1 year old next month! I love j crew Cameron pants and Talbots Chatham pants. Both are pretty forgiving and machine washable. I generally wear them with madewell loafers, purchased off of Poshmark.

Old Navy pixie pants never let me down!

My twins are 12! But since they were much younger I’ve been wearing madewell huston crops (the quality of these went downhill but if you can pull an image you’ll see the style). They work great in summer and winter (wore them today over tights) and are a wildly forgiving and flattering pant. Pair with sweaters, tunics, tanks, blazers, whatever. I used to be a litigator and got away with them in my (state government not law firm) office and they still work in my current, less stuffy job. For shoes I try to buy things that will last. I like birkenstocks and duckfeet boots and shoes. I am trying to dig up my old doc marten 3 hole Oxford at my parents house in hopes they will also be a great choice. If they still fit after those twins made my feet grow a whole size!

These are like classic pants but made comfy!
Everlane Dream Pant:
https://www.everlane.com/products/womens-dream-pant-slate?collection=all-womens-pants

I pair mine with super cute and comfortable Clarks loafers

Keep the recommendations coming! I too have been struggling with the pants/shoe situation this year. The perfect black pants continue to elude me.

I have super soft elastic waist pants from Loft in two colors because I love wearing them to work. Honestly as comfortable as pajamas, but I feel so pulled together when I tuck a nice shirt into them! https://www.loft.com/pull-on-taper-pants-in-brushed-flannel/598386?skuId=33660585&defaultColor=2222&prodId=598386&currency=usd&cid=LT_GGL_BRD_PLA_LT_GGL_RTN_PMAX_Bottoms|Bottoms&ogmap=PLA|RTN|GOOG|STND|m|SITEWIDE|CORE|LT_GGL_RTN_PMAX_Bottoms|Bottoms||18209845185|&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrYT-dqMcVhq5KrcpgY3Iy6Zqo5IaA84NuKpOc4Z1fnWxmIn-ROZZIaAtEXEALw_wcB&selectedColor=&selectedColor=2222

Thank you for asking this! Live in cold snowy Chicago and winter dressing up is hard and maybe even a bit boring! I need practical, walk to the train and work type ideas, that help me look put together and not in black leggings ish and sweaters all the time! Maybe Cup of Jo can help some pandemic moms out :)

OP here – wow thank you so much everyone for these comments and links, they are so helpful and made my day!!

Really love the Vera Wang ponte pants at Kohl’s. Mine have lasted me forever, and they are so easy. Cute with loafers, and there are so many loafers to choose from right now. If you feel like you need a heel, wedges tend to be more comfortable than pumps. Toms has cute wedges. xox

‘trying to look dignified’ was the pièce de résistance here. Love it!

Lauren O you are a gift master! That puzzle is gorgeous!!!

Ooh what lamps are these? They sound amazing!

They’re the cutest! They were part of the “wife” gift guide- highly recommend!! https://food52.com/shop/products/9309-rechargeable-wick-lantern?clickref=1100lwmV4m5J&utm_source=partnerize&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=cupofjo

I love my Shark dryer! Highly recommend!

I second what Lindsey said! I love my Shark hair dryer as well. Definitely recommend!

Things I bought for myself this weekend: a few new pairs of mid-rise briefs from Knickey (a great recommendation by a Jo reader) and a second pair of reading glasses from Peepers so that I can leave one at work.

Truly, living a life of glamour over here.

This is me this year too – I’ve been waiting for this weekend to buy a list of necessary buys (and some wants that I’ve been waiting for), mostly for myself and the house, even though in years past I actively tried not to shop. Price wise it just makes the most sense for our budget. For gifts this year, everyone is getting a bottle of nice olive oil, some homemade candied nuts, and some fancy condiment like vanilla bean paste or flaked sea salt. I’m all about the comestible!

Kirsten, my family is all about the fancy food treat: sardines and anchovies (shudder) for my dad, salted caramels for my mom, and homemade cookies for my brother. They give me good vanilla or cocoa powder. None of us needs or wants more stuff, but we all love a little treat. :)

The world needs more people like you .I haven’t done any shopping yet and don’t intend on doing any. People matter not things unless they’re a necessity