What’s the Most Helpful Thing a Therapist Has Ever Told You?

While discussing ongoing challenges I was having with family members, my therapist said: “You have all the evidence you need to know what to expect from them. They are unlikely to change, but *you* get to decide whether you keep showing up.” It was so liberating to let go of the energy I was putting towards hoping they would change and instead put it towards deciding how I would engage (or not).

The more I think it about it, that isn’t dissimilar to “both things can be true”. In the end, I decided that I wanted to keep showing up because I wanted my children to have a relationship with their grandparents AND I didn’t expect them to be different than they were.

Well… reading this, I realize I need a new therapist. She’s nice, but… too personable. And, probably not as helpful as I need her to be.

I realize that’s not a positive, but reading this, and the comments made me see that there are good, helpful ones out there. Thank you…

When working on anxiety and spreading myself too thin, she asked, “what would happen if you didn’t raise your hand?” i’ve always volunteered for everything because i trust my accountability and like being helpful, but it doesn’t always have to be my responsibility. let someone else have the opportunity you may be unintentionally taking.

“What if it all turns out ok?” I have a tendency to SPIN OUT on mapping decision trees and vibrating with anxiety, unable to make a next move. When I’m able, I try to replace all of that with a simple, “what if it all turns out ok?” (After all, that is an outcome as well!) (And really, the outcome that usually winds up happening!) (It’s just a matter of actually finding that phrase and inserting it into my headspace before I get too far down my path of “what-if”!)

“If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.”

Admittedly, I haven’t read through all the comments to see if someone has already mentioned this, but Jonah Hill made an awesome documentary about/with his therapist. It’s on Netflix and called Stutz. Highly recommend but also they tell each other that they love one another and it made me think of this post.

The basic ‘put yourself in their shoes’ really helped me when I was really struggling with my boss. It also helps with family members. There’s always a reason for people’s behaviours, and it is so often absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with their childhood/life events/trauma etc etc.

Just this week, my therapist said “your feelings are valid, don’t diminish them by trying to explain why the other person behaved the way they did”. That was simultaneously like a punch in the gut and a warm hug.

I am a therapist, and i will definitely remember some of these wonderful observations. It’s good to have a few extra chestnuts handy in my pocket when needed. The best piece of advice i got from a therapist was from a supervisor. She’d take clients to the window and say, “take a minute and look up at the sky”. It’s become a meditative kind of self check-in for me. A breath for when i forget to breathe. The sky is always there, always a little different, and, when i feel a little lost, always a grounding reminder that I am part of a bigger, beautiful world.

“frustration is the result of unmet expectations”

” worry is a prayer for chaos”

“You are juggling right now: some of the balls are plastic and some are glass. If the plastic ones fall, then so be it, no big deal. Just focus on the glass ones”

“When in an argument, ask yourself and then tell your husband whether what you need right now is comfort or solutions”

Both advice SO incredibly helpful

Getting thought the all of this comments was quite a thing!

Few from me:
“Progress over perfection”
“Who’s voice is there inner you?”
“You are not that inner voice”
“I am afraid of saying what I think, because I am afraid I may loose your acceptance. I am afraid of it, because I do not have it for myself.”
“The things we fear the most have already happened to us.”
“Breathe…breath in, breath out, just it.”

Sorry for the late reply but this is such an important topic. I’m in my late 50’s & wish talking to a therapist wouldn’t have been so taboo years ago.
I’ve learned; “Feelings aren’t facts”. Just because I feel less than doesn’t mean I am less than.
“You don’t realize how strong you really are!” Just because this thing brings me to my knees I am still strong.

Thank you, Jesus for Linda! My friends, if you haven’t got an impartial person to guide you, please try to make that a priority! They lift you & also keep you straight.

Wrestling with whether or not to end a relationship, I said, “I wish I had never met him”. She said, “It’s not too late to make a different choice”. Just because you make one choice initially doesn’t mean you can’t make a different one later when you have more information.

“Not everything is about the relationship.”

This from my couples therapist, after I explained all the meaning I put into certain actions – “She didn’t do the dishes, so she didn’t LOVE me.” Not everything is about the relationship. Some things just are.

Literally exactly the same thing. I can, am allowed to, and my brain can handle two opposing truths to be true at the same time. It has been the most freeing, healing and enlightening insight of my life. That’s not to say I don’t have to remind myself of it often, I do, but it’s always there for me, this nugget of wisdom that has helped me feel validated, seen and peaceful.

“Fat is not a feeling.”

1.“Wabi-sabi” means perfectly imperfect. In Japanese pottery making cracks are highlighted with gold paint. This concept can be applied to life as well which is indeed perfectly imperfect.

2. Sometimes you have to throw things in the “fuck it bucket.” Helps if you have a literal bucket, write down your worry on paper and just throw it in the fuck it bucket.

This comments section continues to be so helpful. My therapist just told me today she’s gotten another job (addiction and mental health centre coordinator) and that she’s closing her practice. She was a wonderful fit for me and it’s making me feel low. Reading the advice here helps. Thank you.

You don’t have to be ruled by your emotions, you can use them as a guide.

This was so helpful to me as someone who is always shoving my emotions away because I fear that the only way to “have emotions” is to be super emotional.

When you have a bad/sad day, it’s not a step backwards in terms of healing. That’s just the feeling of processing things – it doesn’t always feel pleasant but you are moving forward.

As a perfectionist and people pleaser, I kept wanting to throw everything I’d ever done out the window this fall. If I have learned one thing through all the therapy and workbooks I’ve done lately, it’s that all or nothing thinking robs me of enjoying what is going well, and stresses me out about what isn’t.
Thanks Joanna for this community and this thread!

To help curb my inevitable disappointment over my parents letting me down, my therapist advised me to “mourn the loss of the parents I didn’t have.” It was incredibly helpful to allow myself to let that dream and disappointment go and helped me love them more wholly for who they are and are able to be.

I am a therapist, and I love reading these. As someone else said, I feel honored to sit across from someone and have them ventilate their deepest emotions. Things I use in session a lot include the phrases:

“Don’t should on yourself”
“Observe without judgement”

I also ALWAYS recommend the books “How to Do the Work”, “A Return to Love”, and “You Can Heal Your Life”.