What Did You Learn This Year?

That life is not about amount of time, but how you spend it. I used to think “if only I had more time, I would…” (finish reading all the books next to my bed, clean out my email inbox, have a completely organized closet, learn to make risotto or sourdough, and so on), but I had almost four straight months at home while my kids and I were off school and none of those things happened. I’ve learned to put away the “someday…” approach and just focus on what feels necessary or good or manageable TODAY.

That the racist roots of this country’s founding grow deep and may be ineradicable, but we still can try.
That the work I did on myself in the past few years has come to fruition with my ability to remain positive, focused and present despite the sh*tstorm that was 2020.
That the behavior modeled by the leaders–whether of a company, a family or a country–can literally be a matter of life and death.
That so much of what I formerly spent my time and attention on doesn’t matter (celebrity gossip, fashion, shopping).
How much joy random conversations with strangers once brought and how much I miss those interactions even as an introvert.
How to slow down and enjoy simple things like cooking instead of rushing to check off the next thing on my to-do list.
How very, very, very fortunate I am.

I learned that I absolutely adore my daughter (born in April 2020) with all the fibers of my being, that I am fully content in her presence, that I am completely terrified of her dying or suffering, that mortality is scary and beautiful.

I keep thinking of the quote from When Breath Becomes Air: “When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”

This year I learnt the art of waiting.
Previous to this year, I’ve always been the person who has wanted to do the thing the SECOND it pops into my head. Whether that’s “go to the supermarket RIGHT NOW and get the stuff for that recipe I’ve JUST seen” or “book Hamilton tickets NOW.” Now I feel like I’ve slowed down and mellowed. And now instead it’s, “next time I’m at the supermarket I’ll get the bits for that recipe” and “I’ll enjoy seeing Hamilton when this is all over.”

I have learned how much being around people all day, every day is so exhausting for me. I have been primarily working from home since March and I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I don’t have to listen to others thoughts and opinions all day. I have always felt like I sort of absorbed the emotions of those around me (I realize that probably sounds ridiculous) and it’s been a blessing to not be affected by my co-workers moods. I know this sounds apathetic but I think it’s actually the opposite. It’s like I so completely put myself in other peoples position that their burden becomes my own and now that I’ve gotten a break from that I can see how over-whelming that is for me. I will not be working from home permanently though and am dreading the day I have to go back full-time.

No. 1 lesson of 2020: No one is keeping score. I managed to maintain my beloved, albeit strict, morning routine (walk the dogs, practice yoga, eat breakfast sitting down, read, etc. all before 9AM) well into November, but after Thanksgiving, I allowed myself to sleep in (SHOCK!) for the first time in probably 2+ years, and I haven’t be up at my usual 6AM sharp since. I felt guilt, shame, worry, fear, anxiety, etc. It was almost a full-blown identity crisis. I’d worked so hard to craft this perfect morning routine for myself. Then I realized: Literally no one cares, let alone notices, except me. It’s taken some practice but I’m finally allowing myself the time and space to rest and often do nothing. It’s very tricky for us Type A personalities, but I can’t say it also hasn’t be enjoyable at times. Looking forward to doing nothing in 2021!

In August I learned my husband had been cheating on me beginning around the time I became pregnant two years prior.

I confirmed my husband has serious mental health issues.

I learned that I am a strong and resilient woman. Much stronger than I once thought. I am learning to be a good role model to my 20 month old daughter during this incredibly stressful time.

As a middle school teacher, I learned how to teach via distance learning .and as I’m now in my 35th year in the classroom, learning new skills has really stretched my abilities, and I am a much better educator than I was nine months ago. If you’d told me a year ago that I would be teaching via Zoom, Google Meets, Google Classroom Padlet and Screencastify, I likely would have looked at you with a dull, “Huh?” expression. It’s been exhilarating to learn how to make a hyperlink doc, to create a Google form, to create an interactive online quiz! I miss seeing my students face to face terribly, but am grateful the pandemic created opportunities for me to stretch my skills exponentially! I feel like I’ve been through an extended yoga session…and it feels great!

I learned that I can’t be a bulimic forever.

For years I have had the ability to regurgitate my food without effort, and instead of seeking proper treatment for it, I used it to my perilous advantage and would binge and purge mass quantities of food. I’ve been doing it for about 6 years or so and considered it my little secret. This year I had a long overdue dentist appointment where he revealed to me that I had no enamel on my back teeth, and asked me point blank, ‘Do you vomit?’ I had never been so embarrassed and felt so stupid in my life. That was last month, and I’m now slowly beginning to repair my body and my mind, starting with an endoscopy to treat what I now know is rumination syndrome, many many cavity fillings, and being truthful with my therapist about what’s really going on. The body keeps the score, never forget that. And mothers, just a accept your daughters bodies for what they are. You never know what they’re doing to keep them that way.

I learned that while I may not be racist, I have not been practicing anti-racism and it’s not enough to sit on the sidelines anymore. I am grateful for those that have done the hard work to teach these lessons and I grieve the lives lost that shone a light on this problem.

This year I learned that co-parenting can and does get better with each passing year, as long as you are both willing to work at it. Three Christmases ago I split from the father of our two beautiful children and I was utterly devastated. It was beyond painful, and the thought that my precious babies would suffer the fallout of our very adult relationship issues broke my heart so many times over.

This year, three years on, we collected them from their last day of day care on Christmas eve together and I brought Santa hats for each of us to wear as I knew it would make our children laugh. I got him to take a photo of the two of us doing that – something I could have never imagined us doing at the start of our co-parenting journey. I’m not saying it’s all roses and I still had a hard moment on Christmas day as it hit me all over again that our family has broken up… but it’s gotten so much better and the pain is fleeting now.

This year I learned that I am bisexual. Well, I guess I always kind of knew, but it took me until recently to actually acknowledge it and put a name to it. It’s been a very freeing experience for me– it feels like things finally make sense now!

I remember one of your old posts that suggested to replace your “new year’s resolutions” with just a word, and, looking at my – trying, exhausting and still, surprising – 2020 the first thing that comes to my mind is: deliberate . I learned that I can live in a more deliberate way when it comes to my food choices, replacing some of my stress-induced supermarket shopping with a list of what I really like and enjoy, when it comes to the words I’m using, asking myself whether they lift other people up, when it comes to what I hear and read, because I want to spend my time engaged in conversations where people can feel seen and valued.
Merry Christmas, may we learn&grow even during this holiday season.

Honestly what I’ve learned this year hasn’t been entirely because of covid.

I have learned what it’s like to suffer with fertility. I’ve learned that I don’t believe in the word infertility because it’s not a black and white concept but shades of grey. I’ve learned what it’s like to become closer with my husband over a shared struggle. I’ve learned what it’s like to want something so badly that my soul aches.

I’ve learned how to start a business (well, still learning!).

I’ve also learned resiliency, the importance of self care, the importance of family in whatever form that takes, the importance of home, and that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. 2020 hasn’t been fun but holy shit (pardon my language), have I grown as a person this year.

I am learning a new language and it is wonderful. If you want to learn Italian, visit Alberto on youtube. https://www.youtube.com/user/ITALIANOAUTOMATICO
ciao a tutti e buon natale!

This year I learned:
– How to knit a scarf.
– That the friends I will lose are not the ones I think I will lose.
– That there is power in gathering and community.
– That I enjoy cooking.
– That I need to learn how to forgive myself.

I learned something that’s still hard for me to wrap my head and heart around: that I, a white privileged woman who in her soul believes in equality and quality of life for all, is part of a system that contributes to and perpetuates racism. That just for being who I am and where I am, I’m floating in the bucket of racism – and for that I am sorry, and I don’t like it, but it’s the truth. And I firmly believe that we are all either part of the problem or part of the solution, and until I start acting/changing/talking/moving/doing, I remain part of the problem. There’s work to be done, and I am ready.

I’ve loved reading these and relate to so many of your lessons. I was especially glad to hear other people enjoying the isolation and solitude. I’ve also been realizing how much the pressure to be out and about or to make plans with friends adds anxiety and unnecessary bustle to my day. So happy to hear I’m not alone… in wanting to be alone. Other things I’ve learned this year:
– Laundry day! What works for my family is doing all the laundry once a week. Now I don’t spend all week thinking about whether or not we need to do a load of laundry.
– My three year old never needed to go to the children’s museum and the library and a friend’s house and, and, and… he just wants to be at home.
– Anything can happen. We live in Portland, Oregon, and it was a doozy of a year here. Forest fires, civil unrest and police violence, our neighbor’s house was totaled by a car (in a high speed police chase, no less) all while the pandemic simmers in the background. My takeaways are be prepared and appreciate how lucky you’ve been this far.
– Finally, everything is connected. Environmental justice is equitable healthcare is racial justice and on and on. I’m sure I’d heard it before but I *think* I’m starting to understand. Big deal!

I am struggling this year. I moved to the US almost 20 years ago as an undergraduate student. My husband also came here as a student. We both have masters degrees in engineering and have been waiting in the green card process for 10 years now. Because we are from India and the green cards are allotted by country, there is a huge backlog for Indians. I am so disappointed that I am almost 40 and still have so much uncertainty in my status. This year has really forced me to take stock of what I want and I have so many what ifs in my head.

I have learned that I actually really enjoy being with my kids (ages 8, 13, 15). It sounds terrible that this is a realization but I have always worked full time and therefore have had babysitters and nannies since my 15yo was 2 months old. So, other than weeklong vacations here and there, until the pandemic shut offices and schools I had never in their lives spent so much concentrated time with them. And it’s been such a blessing. It’s changed me as a mom forever.

Pre pandemic, I always knew I was an extrovert- getting energy from planning get togethers/ impromptu hangouts and long, rambling conversations with friends and family. BUT, in the last few months, I’ve realized my extroversion extends past friends and family- I loooove interacting with literally anyone- short chats with the barista at my local coffee shop, discussions about the weather with neighbours when I’m out for a walk, and I even had a really enjoyable, hour long phone conversation with a rep from my bank last week when my credit card had been compromised (most pleasant instance of fraud ever?!). Post-vaccine, I’m definitely going to be one of those people who strikes up conversations with strangers on public transit- and I can’t wait!

I learned that when you’re working from home, leggings can in fact be pants.

I learnt that I had a depression for quite some time, because round May it slowly disappeared and wow – something really really heavy lifted from my chest. I didn‘t need to tell myself life is good, it just was. Not in a maniac way, but a quiet contentedness in the morning (I am still a nighttime worrier and bad sleeper – well it takes time), stuff gets done easier, I can be happy on my own without busyness to fill up my day and my constantly worried mind. 2020 has been, after all this crazy stuff that happened before and drove me into a burnout (and yes, depression), an easy, joyful year.
My therapist (whom I have been seeing for 2 years) told me right at the beginning I was depressed, but I didn‘t believe him, because I had been in this functioning depression for so long that it had become my new normal, and my brother has episodes of severe, suicidal depression.
I learnt that yes, you can take the easy road, because life is not a fight but an experience.
I learnt that therapy pays off, and takes longer than you think, and that‘s ok. I learnt it was ok not to be ok – and its ok to be ok. Sometimes I struggle to be openly happy in a time where everyone is so miserable, and so much on my happiness is based on my privileges (job, no kids, introvert, nice flat, health, access to healthcare, and for once neither me nor anyone in my family is in the hospital). Sometimes, as you can see in the last remarks, still
some bitterness comes up when similarly privileged people complain, because I think – well I have known worse. But I keep that in my head, and listen to my friends complains and fears, because I know how bad it was to be depressed, to feel hopeless, or worse numb, to be complaining when I at some level new that it was probably irrational.
So to everybody out there who still is in a depression – I hope that it will change, that the invisible heavy burden that has been so normal, will go away, that the tight and anxious heart will open up again, and you will feel more yourself again (with joy and pain). Those are hard times, but also life is like that. In retrospect, I think I should have been more open to aknowledge the crappy times in my life – like the suicidal episodes of my brother, or my health issues instead of trying to lead a „happy“ life „despite everything“. Endure a probably shorter time of misery than a constant numbness and a wrecked body who is still in recovery mode.

This year taught me how to let go at work. Being the only member of the team not furloughed, I felt like I was carrying a great weight until, one day, I woke up and I couldn’t anymore.
It was a short, sharp lesson in my limits and I’ve been putting it into practice ever since. The weight has gone and some changes for the better have been made.

I’ve learned that I am not in control of my emotions. I have been overwhelmed and irritable for days, then suddenly found myself content again, without any observable change. I am learning to accept my emotions rather than change them.

I also have learned that, when things are hardest, cuddling with a loved one, a sweet cup of Sleepytime tea, and finding a way to be kind to someone is the best recipe for accessing my inner strength.