How to Rekindle Your Sex Drive, And Other Reader Questions

We’ve featured 18 reader questions in the past, and we’d love to do it again. Here are three more, including delicious desserts in NYC and three ways to feel like a sexual being…

Q. “I used to enjoy sex, but my libido died sometime during the pandemic. I’m single, but I don’t feel desire for anyone. Honestly, if you told me I had to spend the rest of my life celibate, I’d be…fine? How can I get my sex drive back? Do I even care?” — Amy

A. Hi, Amy. So, you aren’t feeling like a sexual being right now, and that’s fine! Everyone’s sex drive ebbs and flows. But the fact that you asked this question makes me feel like you might be interested in getting back to a sexier spot, so here are three steps, if you’re in the mood:

1) First off, connect with your body. Sometimes in life, you end up feeling like a head on top of a human-shaped object that doesn’t really have anything to do with you. So, take a long shower and notice the warm water on your skin; take a brisk walk until your cheeks grow rosy and windswept. Pull on something that makes you feel good — maybe a silky shirt or jeans that hug your curves.

2) Watching a sexy TV series can also put you in a sexy mindset. In my twenties, I tore through Gray’s Anatomy and found myself feeling really, really, really turned on, like, all the time. I actually wrote about it for Glamour: “I walk to work in the morning and check out guys on the street. Not in a doesn’t-he-look-cute-in-that-scarf kind of way, but in a that-guy-is-so-hot-I-want-to-drag-him-back-to-bed kind of way… My sex drive is on fire.” You might try Normal People or Feel Good or Insecure or Bridgerton. (I would also recommend this Instagram.)

3) Finally, orgasms beget orgasms. The more you have, the more you want. To that end, I loooooove Pom, a flexible, waterproof vibrator with five intensities and patterns; as well as Eva, a game-changing, hands-free vibrator you can use solo or with a partner. Also, this sex oil feels (very) good. We mentioned this to Dame, and they are offering Cup of Jo readers 15% off any first order with code CUPOFJO15. I discovered vibrators in my twenties and I will never again live without one.

Hope this helps, Amy. CoJ readers, please share if you have more advice or have been in the same spot. (We all have!)

My friend Linus telling me about eating dirt cake

Q. “I live far from my grandkids. Are there games you can recommend for FaceTime/Zoom calls? What are good conversation starters that keep little ones engaged, apart from what did you do today?” — Leslie

A. Yes! And I agree with you: “What did you do today” can be wildly overwhelming to a little dude, who lives firmly in the present and to whom a regular day feels like a lifetime. My go-to phone conversation with kids is: “Can I ask you three questions?” (a rhetoric device I learned during my law school days to structure the conversation and hold people’s attention). And then get very specific with your questions, since those are so much easier to answer than open-ended ones. For example: Did you have any dessert today? Can I see how high you can jump? (With slightly older kids, can I see how fast you can run / can I see you do a gymnastics or dance move / etc.) What is your favorite animal? How old are you, and when is your birthday? What movie do you like to watch? Is it snowy or sunny? I can make a funny sound, can you? Do you miss me because I miss you so much!!!!!

And for games, we like Skribbl.io, which is basically online Pictionary. When I was isolating with Covid, the boys and I played it a bunch on Zoom, and it was fun and engaging. I’m curious to hear more, if CoJ readers have ideas.

Q. What are your favorite dessert spots in NYC? You mentioned dessert dates with friends, and I’m coming to the city soon. — Eve

A. Good question! If you’re a cake person, take the train straight to Cobble Hill, Brooklyn, for Bar Bete’s yellow cake with a giant swoop of salted chocolate frosting. Don Angie in the West Village serves a Fior di Latte Mochi, which is mochi stretched around fior di latte gelato, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with salt. If you’re craving chocolate (or need a great gift), you can’t go wrong with Stick With Me Sweets, a tiny chocolate shop in Nolita. Finally, I texted our food columnist Jenny Rosenstrach, who immediately shot back: “The Cereal Milk Soft Serve with Corn Flakes at Milk Bar!” Luckily, they have locations all over the city.

Thoughts? Do you agree with these? Or would you give different answers? Any other questions you’re mulling over these days? We’d love to hear…

P.S. More reader questions, and 12 reader comments on sex.

(Top photo by Nuria Seguí/Stocksy. Cake photo by Infatuation.)

Tags: reader questions

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Varina(@varina)

March 22, 2022 10:49am 10:49 am

A really great option for connecting with grandkids from afar – reading together! We discovered the Caribu app during the pandemic, and had a weekly standing reading date. The app shows the same book on each screen, and the kids can “turn” the page. In addition to prompting conversations, it furthered a love of reading.

AND it was founded and run by a female entrepreneur (full disclosure – a classmate of mine from grad school!).

Melinda

March 22, 2022 4:35am 4:35 am

Joanna, I think you said recently that a post was in the works on your experience with antidepressants. I’ve just started after 16 months of PPA and they are making a tremendous difference in addition other lifestyle interventions like exercise and therapy. I would love to hear your (and other readers’) experiences.

Joanna Goddard(@joanna)

Author

Reply to Melinda

March 22, 2022 7:40am 7:40 am

Yes! I swear by mine. They have been life changing for me, as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. The post is coming! Xoxo

Kay

March 21, 2022 8:11pm 8:11 pm

Dessert in NYC- Al Sham Bakery in Astoria Queens has the best Egyptian desserts ever- you must get their baklava (my favorite is the walnut), both types of knafeh- everything is so good. It’s not a sit down spot soyou have to take it to go.
Dominique Ansel- everything
Venieros Patisserie in the East Village- for nostalgic purposes but also they have delicious cannolis
Indian sweet shops in Jackson Heights, Queens- get gulab jamun, burfi, ras malai with a cup of hot masala or Kashmiri chai
Morgenstern or Ample Hills Creamery for delicious ice cream
Russ and Daughters or Breads Bakery for chocolate babka

Susana Barrientos

March 21, 2022 5:24pm 5:24 pm

This is regarding the Libido question. I think a lot of times we do a disservice to women by suggesting to create a mood for themselves or buy toys. We should also encourage her to get her hormones checked. She could be in perimenopause. If her lack of libido is because of a hormone imbalance or a decline in hormones no amount of warm showers, cute lingerie or toys are going to bring that back.

Ruth

March 21, 2022 12:43pm 12:43 pm

I got into contemporary romance this year which is so fun! Read anything by Jasmine Guillory, Tessa Bailey, Helen Huang, Rosie Danan, Denise Williams, Christina Lauren, Emily Henry, Alexis Daria, Rachel Lynne Solomon, and Ali Hazelwood. Also, LOVE Dame – the Pom is AMAZING! Can definitely be used solo or on you by a partner and it’s FABULOUS.

Joanna

March 21, 2022 3:09am 3:09 am

For the libido question. Take a shower, use your favourite shower gel, scrub… Rub in some lovely body lotion and put on sexy underwear. Take out your camera and take pictures of yourself as if these were meant for someone your really fancy. Scroll through the pictures. Take time to admire your body and its beauty. Then have the most amazing self-love session ever. Keep the pictures in a safe place and go back to them from time to time :)

B B

March 20, 2022 5:07pm 5:07 pm

I’m a happily married woman of 42, for all intent and purpose; with a great connection to my husband in all but one area-we haven’t had sex in nearly 15 years (we’ve been exclusive together all that time, and married for 11 of them) , not with each other, or other people. I’ve completely lost any ‘muscle memory’ of what it takes/entails; I am disgusted by the idea, and yet, can’t shake the feeling that it can’t be healthy to go without for this long-longer. As I said earlier, as a couple we are content, but unquestionably, there are urges that we both experience, and can’t act on. Is there hope, at all..?

Mollie

Reply to B B

March 21, 2022 9:26am 9:26 am

I’m really curious about this. Have you and your husband discussed the fact that you don’t have sex? Did you ever have sex with each other? I have no advice other than to possibly seek some therapy. I think we all grew up in a very sex-negative culture and it can feel easy to turn that part of ourselves off- even though sex really does make life (and relationships!) better. Wishing you well and glad to hear that you are content as a couple!

xpk

Reply to B B

March 21, 2022 11:32am 11:32 am

I feel you on this. My husband and I went through a dry spell for several years (although not as long as 15 years) with no sex, but eventually we did start having sex again. I went to a therapist on my own and he also came to a session with me. And I talked to my ob/gyn about it too. I can’t say there was any ONE thing that made it all better – it took a lot of time and effort. Sending hugs!

Julia

Reply to B B

March 24, 2022 2:37am 2:37 am

B B –

There is no right amount of sex to be having. Having no sex is perfectly healthy if both parties are physically and emotionally satisfied. It sounds, though, like you and your husband do physically desire sex, at least every now and again. Though I am no sex therapist or doctor, the best place to start problem-solving is probably to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about the nature of your urges and, conversely, feelings of disgust. Where are those coming from? If you would like to have more sex with each other, are there things you can do to facilitate it? Including, perhaps, setting aside time to try masturbating to figure out what you each like (and then trying with each other); wearing an outfit the other particularly likes; watching a steamy movie together; practicing positive self-talk if negative body image is making sex hard. Etc. But, there are other totally fine alternatives, too. Perhaps at the end of the day neither of you really needs sex; that’s completely fine, healthy, and acceptable. Or, perhaps you enjoy your marriage, but are only interested in sex with other people. Maybe you discuss an ethical non-monogamy arrangement. Also totally fine and healthy, so long as both partners are able to communicate healthily about their needs and respect each other’s. Your relationship is yours and your husband’s to shape; there is no right way to do it, just the one that works for you both.

C. S.

March 20, 2022 11:33am 11:33 am

I definitely understand the desire for a healthy sex drive. But I also think it’s okay to give ourselves permission to not want sex as often as we think we should. I was getting pretty down on myself for having what I perceived to be a low sex drive. I really only want sex around the time that I’m ovulating, and I felt ashamed of that because it didn’t seem like enough. Then it dawned on me how incredibly natural and normal that is. Maybe that’s how female animals are in the wild! I started embracing my own natural rhythm, and now I no longer feel like there is anything wrong with me. Maybe this would be helpful to someone else.

Emma

Reply to C. S.

March 23, 2022 3:57pm 3:57 pm

“I started embracing my own natural rhythm, and now I no longer feel like there is anything wrong with me” – so powerful! I think the pressure we put on ourselves (not to mention what we see on TV/in movies) leads to so much guilt and shame around wanting sex too much or not needing it as often. I miss my libido from my early twenties and thirties but I’m in a great, healthy, communicative relationship + on SSRIs for the first time in my life and I’m trying to give myself grace if I just don’t feel like it. We have enough stress going on in the world, I love the approach of taking the pressure off.

Lea

March 20, 2022 10:22am 10:22 am

Not so much sex drive per se, but would love some advice on how to feel sexier/more sensual in general? I’ve put on some pandemic pounds, nothing fits right in my wardrobe, and I just don’t feel attractive or desirable or sexy at the moment. Doesn’t help I’m struggling in a new job so not feeling confident in general too!

Hannah

Reply to Lea

March 21, 2022 10:49am 10:49 am

Lea, I feel exactly the same. Out of shape and unattractive and can’t shake it. Had my birthday last week and I’ve made a promise to myself to prioritise some self-care in a bid to boost my confidence. Hope you can do the same for yourself X

Arianne

Reply to Lea

March 21, 2022 3:57pm 3:57 pm

I would highly recommend investing the time and resources in finding some clothes you love that fit! I thought I was unhappy because of the way my body has changed… when in fact I was really just physically and socially uncomfortable because my pants were too tight. Your body is great the way it is, it will change over the course of your life, and you are worthy of looking and feeling good no matter your size!

Angie

Reply to Lea

March 21, 2022 7:33pm 7:33 pm

I would recommend movement. Going for a simple walk each day, you come back feeling great…no matter how slow or fast you moved. Movement, in my experience, causes an amazing ripple effect…mental health improves, body love increases, connection with others gets sparked, and sometimes you feel like eating for nourishment and sometimes not. It’s so simple, that it can be overlooked.

Shauna

March 19, 2022 8:30pm 8:30 pm

For the zoom acitivities with littles, we live far from all grandparents and have a 2- and 4-year old. We have a Portal and so do Portal stories on occasion, but we find the most effective strategy for this young has been to get the kids set up doing an activity they haven’t got to do for a while (we rotate our toys, so we pull out something ‘new’ that they haven’t seen for a few weeks/months) and they play with that enthusiastically while grandparents engage with them about the activity. The best ones so far have been food games/toys bc they kids will make something and then offer it to the grandparents to eat.

For sex drive, I prefer books to television – lets me go slow and more easily revisit parts that peak my interest, and skim other parts. For fantasy with some steamy scenes, I just finished A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah Maas and enjoyed it a lot – good story as well, more sex scenes in the second book compared to the first.

Katy

March 19, 2022 2:39pm 2:39 pm

Just opening up the whiteboard on Zoom and drawing is a great way to engage kids and get them to talk too!

Katy

March 19, 2022 2:37pm 2:37 pm

Fun games to play over Zoom:
Uno: https://play.unofreak.com
Guess Who: https://www.crazygames.com/game/guess-who-multiplayer
Battleship: http://en.battleship-game.org
and online jigsaw puzzles are magic for getting kids to talk – it’s like riding in the car, something about the shared activity and not having to make eye contact just gets them to open up more. I like this site because you can make them anywhere from 35 to 1000 pieces: https://jigsawpuzzles.io

Can you tell I did online counseling with kids during year one of Covid? :)

Erika

March 19, 2022 1:47pm 1:47 pm

I LOL’d with the Instagram suggestion to the first question.

I second Normal People and Bridgerton and would also like to add– read some romantic novels. I started reading the Bridgerton books in 2021 after seeing the series and have gone through about 80 romantic novels since then which I think are PERFECT for the time were living in.. they are kind of ridiculous, some are comical, most are complicated so they keep you interested, all are hot AND every story ends in happily ever after. I would start with Julia Quinn and then move on to Lisa Kleypas whom I love. I used to look down upon romance novels and can’t believe I wasted so much time thinking everything I read had to be openly intellectual or self-improving (I was actually surprised how much historical information and research goes into these btw!) Thanks to Eva Chen who was the first person I’ve ever seen online to mention the genre! xx

M B

March 19, 2022 4:04am 4:04 am

Caribu is a great app for kids and grandparents, a video call with stories and activities for them to do together. The Facebook Portal is also great for interactive stories and special effects, and the size and picture are big enough that the kids don’t fight over who gets to hold it.

My book club recently read The Idea of You – sexy with an engaging story

Lee

March 18, 2022 9:23pm 9:23 pm

Would love to hear advice on getting your hormones back in check.
Two children later- my hormones are so out of whack that I have lost all sex drive. I went from a high drive most of my adult life to zero towards anyone or anything.
Any great doctor recommendations that anyone has had success with ???

C D

Reply to Lee

March 19, 2022 4:04pm 4:04 pm

I did hormone panel with EquiLife – the test comes with a 30 minute health coaching call. Felt like a good place to start – maybe it will feel like a good first step for you?

Megan

Reply to Lee

March 20, 2022 1:00pm 1:00 pm

Not exactly related but late last year, out of nowhere, I just stopped. sleeping (I’m in my early forties). It was so, so hard. Drugs didn’t help, and my sleep hygiene was already excellent. I noticed that my period also was off kilter, but my tests didn’t show perimenopause. My friend recommended acupuncture and I happily tried it and OMG after just four sessions my period was back to normal and I was sleeping. It essentially re-set my nervous system. I went to someone who specialized in women/hormones. . .seek one out and good luck!

Jodi H

Reply to Lee

March 21, 2022 2:19pm 2:19 pm

Dr. Dawn Frankwick is absolutely amazing and an expert in hormones. She recently moved to Florida. Google her, she does telemedicine but doesn’t take insurance. She’s saved me a couple times in my life.

Rozanne

March 18, 2022 8:51pm 8:51 pm

Hi !
My favorite cake in NYC is the crepes cake at Lady M!
And I highly recommend the game « would you rather… (be invisible or be able to fly?) with kids !

Christine

Reply to Rozanne

March 19, 2022 8:34am 8:34 am

Second the crepe cake reco! The first time I had it was at a French friend’s 40th birthday party where the only two consumables were crepe cake and (seemingly) infinite champagne. I’ll never forget the party or the cake.

Dee

March 18, 2022 6:30pm 6:30 pm

Does anyone have advice for how to deal with the terribly icky feelings that come after breaking up with somebody? I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and it was fun but he was coming on STRONG and it was beginning to really stress me out, and I knew it wasn’t right for me. I just ended it, but feel so terrible because I know he really likes me and has had a lot of trauma in his past and so many nice qualities. I just feel so, so guilty and icky, even though I know I did the right thing. Any words of wisdom? xx

Bron

Reply to Dee

March 19, 2022 5:07am 5:07 am

I’m sorry you’re finding it hard, Dee. Break ups are tough, no matter the reason. Just know that this isn’t your hurt to soothe, and trust that he will have others in his life to be the balm this time.

Brianna

Reply to Dee

March 19, 2022 1:55pm 1:55 pm

Oh Dee!

That can be so tough and tricky.
First- trust your gut. If this ick was enough to bring a conclusion to this relationship, then it was how it is meant to be. You made the right decision. Care for yourself and remember that feeling that told you it wasn’t right- it’s taking care of you.

Second- it can be tough to break things off with people who have had it hard on the past. One thing that brings me great solace is knowing that your healthy relationship, and bringing things to a respectful conclusion can help rewire and show your old partner how it is to have things come to a conclusion that isn’t based off of manipulation or pain, but rather a needed distancing that respects the self and the other person. It shows how to transition without lashing out- and iterations of that are important in everyone’s life.

Ultimately, I hope you are kind to yourself.

Loren

Reply to Dee

March 20, 2022 11:07am 11:07 am

I wonder if that icky feeling stems from being conditioned to regard a man’s feelings and well being as more important than your own. Women are subtly and overtly trained to be nice to men at any cost to themselves. Such a great opportunity to examine your own beliefs around this.

Rae

Reply to Dee

March 20, 2022 8:54pm 8:54 pm

Dee, I am so sorry you are feeling poorly after doing something that is ultimately kind. I can definitely relate and I still cringe thinking back on one breakup in particular. Can you focus on the “flip side” (of sorts) of your feelings of guilt and ick? He was brave to try and connect with you despite past trauma and the fact that you ended things, rather than ghosting, means he’ll be more likely to connect with someone else soon. You were true to your own feelings and needs by ending things and respected him by not leading him on. I know for me, that ick feeling comes when there is a big gap between how vulnerable and invested I have been with a guy and he has been with me. It is an uncomfortable responsibility and it seems you handled it really well.

Mollie

Reply to Dee

March 21, 2022 9:34am 9:34 am

I try to remember that I am not in charge of other people’s feelings! I am in charge of being honest and taking care of myself and my own feelings. You needed to set a boundary to be as kind and as honest as possible. You did the right thing. Be kind to yourself. It’s always hard to set boundaries!

Alexandra

March 18, 2022 5:02pm 5:02 pm

Another fun game (with an unfortunate name): Bomb Party!
https://jklm.fun/

Jessica

March 18, 2022 3:14pm 3:14 pm

For tv series that help you get in a sexy mood, might I suggest Outlander? Did it for me.

Also, don’t discount the power of a good old fashioned romance novel. They get a bad wrap but like any genre, there are good ones and bad ones, you just have to figure out what you look and find a good author. Fir a more modern take, I really enjoyed The Boss by Jenny Trout. This was her attempting to turn the concept of 50 Shades of Grey into something that was a much better read, and clear of the problems with the source material. I found The Boss to be very sexy and enjoyable.

Erika

Reply to Jessica

March 18, 2022 9:25pm 9:25 pm

Upvote for Outlander. Sheesh. 🔥

Caitlin Scott

March 18, 2022 1:39pm 1:39 pm

I read this yesterday and thought about it all day, especially the part about how to restart your sex drive. It occurred to me that CoJ’s response to this question is deeply…kind. I just have to call this out for being akin to the response of a compassionate, smart, nonjudgemental best friend. It made me feel, I don’t know, cradled, haha! And I know all three bits of advice are spot on, because I’ve experienced that lack of sex drive too, and it can indeed be reversed by all the things you mentioned. So kind.

Caitlyn

March 18, 2022 12:18pm 12:18 pm

I play a lot of Jackbox games on Zoom with my friends’ kids. It’s a lot of fun for both the kids and adults. I also sometimes play with adults only.

For my favorite NYC dessert I would go with a slice (or whole pie) of black bottom almond chess pie from Peetee’s Pies. Although you really cannot go wrong with any of their pies.

Elizabethkatt

March 18, 2022 12:10pm 12:10 pm

During the pandemic my MIL started reading books to my daughter for an hour via zoom twice a week so my husband and I could get a break. Sometimes they spend the whole time reading, but sometimes they don’t read at all and just talk about everything under the sun. It is always so cute to overhear their conversations. I love that they have that time to hang out one-on-one.

Emma O

Reply to Elizabethkatt

March 19, 2022 7:02am 7:02 am

Yes. My amazing friend – when the schools were all closed here – invited all the kids in her life to zoom storytime once a week. Some weeks there were 10 or 12 kids, some weeks 2 or 4. She’d read a story then any kid who wantedto had their turn to read/tell/share a story. It was awesome. The kids loved it.

Leah

March 18, 2022 12:02pm 12:02 pm

Best NYC Dessert: Dominique Ansel is the REAL deal. Sure, the cronuts are delicious, but everything else is amazing and inventive.
Same with Laudree- the macarons are amazing but their other pastries are bar-none.
Gelato Gentile in Brooklyn.
Pie from Four and twenty Blackbirds.
Fat Witch Bakery for brownies (the cherry one is great).

Honestly even the “touristy” things are amazing.

celeste

March 18, 2022 11:18am 11:18 am

Putting mochi on the bucket list to try.

Sheila

March 18, 2022 11:05am 11:05 am

Jo, not a normal comment but I wanted to mention that the website display has been really wonky on my mobile lately (I’d estimate at least 3 days, but maybe it started as long as a week ago?). Mobile displays are rarely perfect, but I mean that it’s changed. The string of text for comments goes off the side of the page – and I can’t simply scroll to the right or pinch my screen to zoom out (tried, doesn’t work). I’ve also gotten like 18 pop-up ads at the bottom of my screen in the first 3 minutes on the site, rather than the usual, idk, 5 ads? I hope this info is useful if/when you’re troubleshooting!

Maybe other readers can comment if they’re experiencing the same thing?

Joanna Goddard(@joanna)

Author

Reply to Sheila

March 18, 2022 11:15am 11:15 am

so helpful to hear, thank you!!

Betsy

Reply to Sheila

March 18, 2022 11:34am 11:34 am

Same! Have to rotate my screen and even then the comments are really distorted.

Joanna Goddard(@joanna)

Author

Reply to Betsy

March 18, 2022 11:45am 11:45 am

on it! we have been making some column width changes this week, and they must have made mobile wonky. just emailed our developer, please stay tuned! xoxo

Nana

Reply to Sheila

March 18, 2022 11:47am 11:47 am

I’m having the same issues! Comments are so wide, I need to rotate my phone to landscape so that I can even click on “Reply”. Also, the title of articles look weird: the title is rendered above the author name and publication date (kind of overlapping).
I was wondering if it was only happening for me, since I’m not using a standard browser (DuckDuckGo). But maybe it’s a general issue…

Claire

Reply to Sheila

March 18, 2022 1:05pm 1:05 pm

I’ve also noticed when writing comments that if it’s more than 2-3 lines long, I can’t scroll up to reread what I’ve written. I have to use the arrow key to go up/down. I don’t remember that happening before.

AMK

Reply to Sheila

March 18, 2022 5:34pm 5:34 pm

I wish there was a “provide feedback on our website “ section on the site where people can provide direct feedback vs the constant feedback in the coveted comment section…

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