The Secret to a Great Dinner With Friends

Love this policy. When dining at tables with more people, I always feel like I fall in the conversation crack around the middle of the table and don’t feel really included in either side of the table.

I’m late to the game commenting on this post, but I have a different perspective. As an introvert, I would prefer either 4 or over 6. I like to break off and have a one on one or two on one conversation at one end of the table. I get easily overwhelmed by being involved in conversation with more than 4 people at once. But ideally I prefer a dinner with less than 4 people. My partner + one other person is perfect IMO!

i was at a bachelorette party this weekend with 15 (!) other girls (16 of us total). i couldn’t stop thinking about this theory and how many separate conversations were going on at any one time. it was awful, but also made me think about how this theory can be used for things other than dinner parties (like.. bachelorette parties, or other social gatherings).
ok back to decompressing from this weekend.

I am just amazed that you are able to get 4-6 people’s schedules to mesh so you can together at a time. Ha!

I like to do two kind of dinners. The first is to invite 2 other couples for a nice dinner full of conversation. The other dinner is when all the leaves are in the table and 10-12 are crowded around it. If it’s a group of people who don’t know each other well, I use place cards and try to sprinkle the introverts evenly among the extroverts; this gives the introverts people to listen to and the extroverts other extroverts to talk to and everyone is happy. I tend to do the smaller groups more often b/c they are logistically easier.

For a restaurant or a formal “dinner party” at home, I agree 6 is best. But we regularly have 12-20 at home (we can seat 12 at our table and 24 in our dining room with a trestle). There are 5 of us at home, so two other families for Shabbat and we are over a dozen! Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Years ago I went on a 14 day trip with a group of 10 friends. We went out to dinner every night, a few times at the same restaurants twice. It was the same exact people for14 days, but some nights were super fun and some were not. At some point we noticed that the nights we were seated at round tables were MUCH more fun than the nights we were seated at rectangular tables! So a larger group might work better at a round table where everyone has an equal shot to participate in the same conversation.

Totally, 100% agree ! So many times I have felt left-out in bigger dinner groups. 4-6 everyone can take part in one conversation and can laugh at the same jokes at the same time.

I just moved to a house with a much smaller dining room and am so excited it will only comfortably seat 4, 6 would be cozy. My last table sat 8,10 if needed. My in-laws make a party of 8 and it stresses me the eff out to cook for, entertain, try to have conversations with, and clean up after more than 6. There are now 3 kids plus the 8 adults and I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to know I’ll never have to host a holiday or gettogether again. (Don’t tell my mother-in-law!)

Fully support the 4 to 6 movement :)

There’s an ancient saying about this! A good dinner party includes neither less than the Graces (3) nor more than the Muses (9). I prefer six my own self, though, so I’m with you!

100% agree with this. Anything over 6 is a party and I have different expectations and expend different energy – I’m not bringing out the good wine and I’m making a dish that feeds a crowd. Don’t get me wrong – parties are fun and I enjoy them, but what I learned during lockdown was how much I prefer the close company and conversations with my 4-6 people.

My friends group does a weekly four person dinner in the summer. It really is the perfect number as it always feels refreshing and not overwhelming. We all get to really chat and catch up. I feel like for larger parties which can be fun too you just need to have the mindset that you will have to recharge after (I might be projecting as an introvert). Also for bigger parties I vote scrap the dinner format and have endless hearty snacks/appetizers that allow you to mingle or do a BBQ.

Do you include kids in that number or do you mean 4-6 adults plus kids?!

Really small site update feedback: your Read Mores are hitting later in the intro now (so we’re getting the big reveal from the second sentence now). I’ve always noticed how well you all write those first line hooks, so it would be a shame to lose the click-throughs! I read via Feedly and am now getting ‘First sentence… Most of second sentence, Read more’ (whereas previously your Read Mores tended to hit at about that first ellipsis)

YES YES YESSSSSS!!!! My ideal is 4; possibly 6 at a round table. NOTHING is worse than the giant birthday dinner where you realize there are like 4 different conversations going on and you are next to people you don’t particularly enjoy talking to. Also of note, splitting the check equally when you only had one glass of wine (or are pregnant and drinking no wine) and there were somehow 7 bottles ordered, and then having to either be “that girl” who complains about it to the person that clearly just wanted the 4x at restaurants on her Amex OR suffer in silence as you accept the $130 pp Venmo request.

The more the merrier. I love our big family (total 12 with daughters, spouses, grandkids!) and also tons of friends restaurant meals and at home get togethers. It’s something we missed too much during the pandemic.. It just makes getting together feel more like a party to us than a more sedate smaller group. Your new design is crisp and bold but am I the only one the off kilter “f” bothers? I’m sure it’s meant to be playful & fun but I’d rather see it next to it’s friend the “o”. LOL!

And a round table…

I have never agreed more with anything written on the internet in my entire life. Preach and keep fighting the good fight! :)

I like this rule but I also sometimes love the energy of a big, crowded large-group dinner party. One of my “happy places” is visualizing sitting around a big table with 10ish friends laughing and drinking wine and thinking “I’m so lucky to have these people as my friends!”

I think I’d propose sticking with the 4-6 rule at restaurants though, keeping larger groups to parties at home.

If you want to have a calm, quiet dinner with polite conversation, sure 6 might be the max. But if you’re like my family or friends, letting things get a little rowdy makes for an even more memorable and fun meal. I’m one of 9 kids and family dinners are absolute chaos but I really believe that feeding a crowd is the best-case scenario. Dropping all pretense and letting go of some of the voice volume and turn-taking rules ensures that conversation is free-flowing and the group doesn’t fracture into sub-conversations. It also allows the introverts in the group to enjoy the spectacle and chime in when they want without the pressure of feeling like they have to keep the conversation alive. Let the hams be hams and the natural listeners sit back and take it in. It takes a big table and some advance planning (reserve the party room, don’t shove tables together!) but I love those kind of meals where the food is the least interesting thing going on. Starting things off with a game or a story that gets everyone involved sets a fun tone (My family loves would you rather questions, and we answer with a vote!). The more the merrier, and that’s a hill I’ll die on!

Controversial opinion: group dinners at a restaurant should never ever include children. If I’m going out to eat with my wife and my daughter that is fine, but I always hate meals out with other families. I agree about keeping the group small. Also, forgive me but I don’t believe in sharing meals.

During pandemic we definitely discovered the joy of the 4 to 6, since that was the max recommended for short outside gatherings. Now we’re assessing all our friends and who to pull together into six-person groups that would “gel”…it’s fun!

We attended one 8-person backyard dinner during the pandemic, and (especially with the 6-foot social distancing) it was hell! It was basically 2 separate dinners of four and I left feeling frazzled. . .

thanks for a genuine laugh out loud chuckle with this post and that funny video!
you both make great points for “four to six people” la la la

I agree but I still love my 8 person table! There’s something about being able to host a large group of people for a formal dinner or pizza. I figure you can have a joint conversation after dinner when you move over to the living room. I also feel it depends on the group. If everyone’s familiar with each other or more introverted, I don’t think they’d mind forming their own conversation with the people around them and might actually prefer it! I am an introvert so I am speaking from personal experience, haha.

Love Cup of Jo!

Haha I love this! And I have a feeling it’s going to remove a whole lot of stress/time spent fretting over invite lists from my life! 4-6, this is the rule now… thanks!