Have You Seen This Viral Comic About Parenting Double Standards?

I do not have kids. A couple of years ago, I was out catching up with a male friend who has three little ones. Their mom works weekends, so it was just me, my friend, and the kids.

My friend was doing the heavy lifting of taking care of the kids – literally, by carrying them, and mentally, by being attentive. I was helping as best I could by carrying inanimate objects, holding hands, etc.

I was ASTONISHED at the dirty looks I got. People were openly judgmental about the situation the entire time we were out. And it wasn’t that I was doing nothing – it was just that I was doing less than he was. I wanted to put a sign on the table – not my kids! – so that people would stop staring. But what if I was their mom, and he was the primary caregiver and knew more about what they needed in that moment? What if I was their mom, but had a bad back and couldn’t lift? Or a migraine? Why do we have to judge the woman in this situation so harshly without any context? And why were most of the dirty looks coming from other women??

The afternoon stuck with me, that’s for sure.

The double standard really stuck with me, along with

This is a powerful comic that needs major attention and conversation on all levels! As a public school teacher, I see this a lot and was also guilty of it in my earlier years of teaching. Who is seen as ” irresponsible and absent parent” if they can’t be as involved in their child’s schooling vs who is seen as “working hard, taking care of the family” if they are not able to attend parent teacher conferences and other events. Many sectors in our society unfortunately reinforces this stereotype. We need major clean up to do!

This was forwarded this to me and found myself engrossed with both the cartoon and comments. I don’t see many perspectives from men/fathers/husbands here, so thought I’d offer up two thoughts.

From a societal level, I definitely see the double standards at play and have personally found myself falling victim to the unwarranted positive reinforcement shown in the cartoon. But I’d also add that society provides negative reinforcement to this double standard a the same time. Regardless of a father striving for the same goal, albeit through different means, often the way a wife parents will be seen by society as “better.” (Can provide examples, but won’t here for brevity’s sake). Or in the case of our cultural systems, the percentage of fathers granted custody after a divorce is significantly lower than that of mothers. It’s a very clear statement to fathers on society’s view of the quality of their parenting and how they go about it.

On the points around division of labor at home as a result of this double standard, I agree that collectively dads can get better. But while husbands can be aloof to the day-to-day parenting lists/tasks/etc, most of us do have an ingrained desire to take care of the woman that we married. And there seems to be a common theme amongst the comments that when communication does break through on how much this effects moms & wives personally, there does seem to be meaningful change. Was the case in our house. And while we’re not perfect there, we are a lot better – and happier.

I’m a stay at home dad in a hetero marriage. My wife is in the military and I gave up my career when she got stationed overseas so we could all stay together. We have two children. I would say I do 85% of housework and 75% child related activities. For the most part I find the way this subject is depicted to be true. From my personal experience I have never had anyone comment on what I do when I am out doing whatever with the kids. I have heard comments from people in our friend group, especially when we first arrived about me being a “house husband”. Guys like us have to deal with feelings of demasculation, feeling devalued, incompetent, among others. I cook every meal for us and I remember one woman asking how I haven’t burned the house down yet. So yes the double standard does exist, because the world doesn’t think that a man can be a competent home maker and a caring parent and when they do those things we get told we are playing house, or will never be able to do what a mom does. Apparently I lack something called mom magic.

When I first saw this comic, I was so struck by how true it is that it stuck with me and I found myself thinking about it a few days afterwards. I wanted to send it to my sister and some friends, but while I was while thinking about it, it occurred to me that there is also an unfair, dark side to this double standard for Fathers too. I am dating a Dad of two girls who has them 50% of the week and absolutely does his 50% share of parenting. He possibly does even more than 50% as his ex-wife expresses feeling more overwhelmed more frequently so he will take them to give her a break when she requests it and also handles the vast majority of doctor appts and school projects that require more involvement at home. He also coaches for both of their soccer teams and takes them to other extra activities that they express interest in trying when he has them. In addition, he keeps stricter rules at his house regarding sugar consumption and bedtimes despite how hard it is (made all the more difficult by the fact that they have more free reign at their Mom’s house.) It would be easier and less painful (lots of “we like Mama better” fights) if he just gave in, but he believes it’s what is best for them. Despite all this, he is almost never considered the “real” parent when push comes to shove. The school and teachers almost always default to contacting the kid’s mother rather than him first if anything occurs at school (for an injury, confusion over a pick up plan, school event information, and more.) There have been many occasions when he was left out of the loop all together despite his attempts at communicating to the school that he needed to be included equally. He has been asked what his percentage of custody he has sooo many times. I somehow doubt their mom has had to justify how often she has them even once to be considered as a legitimate parent. Socially, there is frequently assumptions made about what the girl’s Mom does for the girls rather than my boyfriend and extra credit given for the hardships that she faces that is not acknowledged or recognized for my boyfriend. Moms are naturally considered to be more self-sacrificing and nurturing, that yes, it is taken for granted, but also assumed. This idea of the Mother figure is deeply bred into our culture. I have seen how even the girls have internalized it despite the role their Dad plays in their life. They will frequently say things that undermine what their Dad does for them as not being as truly meaningful because he is “their Dad.” When they have made sentimental gifts at school/etc., they almost always go to their Mom rather than their Dad because “it’s for Mom’s” and “Dad’s don’t care as much.” I could honestly go on for a long time and give a lot more examples, but hopefully my point is coming across. Yes, Dad’s are frequently seen “as such great Dads” for doing less and it’s taken for granted that Mom’s should and will do more for their kids. In general, the expectations are higher for Moms they are judged more harshly as caretakers if they aren’t living up to them, but whatever they do, in general Dad’s are almost never really seen as being as equally important when it comes to caretaking and their sacrifices are never recognized with the same deep esteem. Seen this way, it’s actually very condescending to Dads when they are given so much praise for small things that Mom’s do everyday… and that many Dad’s do as well despite the perception otherwise. (To be clear, my boyfriend’s ex-wife is a good Mom to her kids. I am not in any way trying to say she isn’t by stating the facts that my boyfriend probably does more than 50% of the parenting if it had to be weighed out.) The standards need to change for the good of both parental roles.

Of course men say “MY relationship is equal and this is offensive!” Yeah, cuz you think you’re doing your fair share when you absolutely are not. Studies show that men will say they’re doing 50/50 of the housework and child care, but their wives say it’s more like 30/70, with them doing the lion’s share. So of course men aren’t going to listen to us when we point out the obvious. They rely on that double standard.

Agreed…and so glad to see it pointed out in such a visually-obvious way. (Here is the but…) But whether we like it or not, society has “assigned” rolls, and one of the nice things about men getting positive reinforcement for crossing over into typically female rolls, is that it will help to normalize, encourage and increase the involvement that needs to happen. Women are often rightly praised for breaking the glass ceiling and having leadership rolls in the work place. Likewise, we should praise men for taking and equal part in childcare and parenting too. One thing that needs to also change, like this comic points out, is that no-one should be judged or criticized for bringing home takeout or checking a text, lol.

Weighing in because this resonates so much with me despite not being a parent. Two main points that stand out to me.

(1) This double standard totally exists–but like most double standards, it’s really hard to talk about with the person on the other side! For instance, when we take our niece on outings, my husband gets praise and assistance, I don’t. But he sees people being “helpful when you have kids” (to him, he’s comparing how people treat him as a man without kids vs with a little kid). We’ve had similar things happen where someone has said or done something sexist or threatening to me, but been perfectly pleasant with him–he experiences a different reality, so he has to be willing to believe what I’m saying, despite it going against his experience in a situation or with a certain person. We’ve gotten into huge arguments around this because it feels so incredibly invalidating–but I think he is starting to realize that his experience is not universal (lol?).

(2) When I think about it, I’ve been groomed to become a parent since I was a kid myself–I had my first paid childcare experience at age 9 (at least one parent was still home but needed someone to keep a closer eye on really young kids while they were doing something else). I’ve logged hundreds if not thousands of hours taking care of other people’s children (and pets–not at all the same thing, but also beings that require mental and physical energy and care!). So, if we have children, even if he is committed to egalitarianism, he is many years behind in learning the practical skills and developing the habits of mind of parenting. On the one hand, yes, he’s capable at figuring stuff out just as much as I am, or responding to calls from school or doctor’s offices, etc.; on the other hand, there are things I’ve internalized and practiced for years, that he genuinely would need to learn from scratch. (For example, he recently tried to draw a bath for HIMSELF and struggled to make it an acceptable temperature… I can only imagine how he would fare with a fussy toddler.)

Of course, there are plenty of women who have not had extensive childcare experience prior to having kids… and I don’t think this should be an excuse for men… but I do think we’re at a point where we expect adult men to participate fully in parenting, but there is still a lot of imbalance in what kids are expected to do and given the opportunity to do. (Male babysitters are REALLY rare, y’all.) When I see my husband trying to do something like change his niece’s diaper or get the gunk out of our dog’s eyes, I see someone fumbling with a new and unfamiliar motion. It reminds me of myself when I try certain games or sports… being kind of awkward at first, even if I’m into it and want to do it right. Obviously there’s a lot more to parenting than muscle memory, and it may be true that teenage boys are often not that interested in taking care of babies, but how much of that is because of inherent ability or inclination and how much of that is cultural ideas and expectations?

Thank you for this article, and thank you to everyone else who commented. All my feelings of burn out, exhaustion, and societal pressure have been immensely validated. I do realize sometimes I’m to blame for my own burn out though – yes, my husband is a zombie in the mornings but he is more than capable of making his own coffee, packing his lunch, etc. While we SHOULD finds ways to help out our husbands/wives, when we do it out of OBLIGATION rather than LOVE, what’s the point? I’m SO over the expectation that I have to be June Cleaver AND still work, go to school, and someday when I have a kid, bear the brunt of parenthood as well. F that.

So true!

Reading through these comments and I just want to say that resentment and equal division of labor issues aren’t just hetero marriage issue. My wife and I have two children; she stays home full time (kids are in full time school) and I work full time but I still do all the mental load work.

In fact, as I was reading through comments she called me at work:
Wife: “what are we going to do about dinner?”
Me: (annoyed about being bothered with this question as she knows I don’t care what we eat for dinner) “I don’t know, please figure something out.”
Wife: “I want to work through items in the freezer.”
Me: “Great”
Wife: “But our microwave broke this morning”
Me: “Here’s an idea… go pick up a new one!”

I do all the kids scheduling, vacation planning, financial planning, bill paying, present buying, etc and work full time. She keeps house (thank goodness) and drives the kids around to all the things I scheduled. Lots of resentment over here. Definitely going to read Fair Play.

I think we tend to subdivide ‘types’ of mothers, too–and beyond the overworn, frayed, insultingly simplistic categories of working/stay-home. I once read a breakdown of this (back in the late 90s, when my kids were about 5 and 7) as 1) the peas-and-carrots mom, who gets the veggies on the plate, the socks paired in drawers, the dentist appointments scheduled on time, etc, and the 2) fairy-tent-magic-rock mom, who leans toward the dazzling ahead of the custodial. OBVIOUSLY, this is also far too binary and superficial, and parenting calls for both on a minute-over-minute basis, but I remember feeling rather validated in my preference for the magical. I also understood my own mother better through this lens. But I question: why do we do this to ourselves and each other? Why is there eternally a scorecard?

I came of age in the 70’s when women were told we could have it all. Sorry. I knew at the time we were sold a bill of goods, knowing that “all” would be at least two full-time jobs – one at home and one away from home- until societal norms caught up. Women in the work force became known as “working moms”; as if moms didn’t work anyway. Did anyone hear the phrase, “working dads”?
Fifty years later, women are still overwhelmed and feeling guilty about everything. With little societal support and still sexist cultural expectations, I see more years of frustration for families until parents encourage and teach the next generation to change these norms. It’s coming, but very slowly.

Where to begin with such first world problems….I’m a stay at home mom housewife and felt none of these…the author is projecting big time….

And if I’m lazy for not cooking 3 times a day oh well at least everyone is fed and happy!

“This trip back would be my sixth flight with Maddy, and I was getting better at it. I’ll admit that I had a lot of help—there is something about traveling as a single dad that gets you the immediate sympathy vote. A woman can be standing there with two toddlers, four suitcases, an infant, and a cat, and people are kind of like ‘Yeah, who gives a shit?’ But stick a guy in an airport with a baby and a backpack, and flight attendants and passersby will fall all over themselves to make his life easier.”

– from Matt Logelin’s book (widower/single father)

Yep, true. My husband and I live in a liberal area with lots of families in which both parents work. We split childcare duties roughly equally, which is great, but he gets more credit for his share of the work than I do, for sure. I cringe to think about the double standard in less progressive, more patriarchal, sexist society.

There’s a book, Women’s Ways of Knowing, written quite some time ago now. In the book, a woman describes that the first time she felt competent — and recognized for her competence — was as a mother. I think there are SO few areas where women are considered the de facto expert – particularly in spaces of power. I cannot walk into a hardware store, a bike shop, a car dealership, a bank, a conference and assume I will be taken seriously. I cannot teach a university lecture (my job), manage a department, get the a/c installed or buy a fridge, and be assumed by others to make good decisions in those spaces. It is only in my role as a mother where I am the go-to expert – the pediatrician speaks to ME and speaks past my HUSBAND. This is so shockingly, terribly rare.

This is to say that maybe part of the reason it is hard for women and men to share the load equally is (1) because women have craved this recognition for so long, and (2) because as the CEO (finally), you are judged by the actions of yourself and those to whom you delegate tasks.

Clearly I have been thinking about this post quite a bit over the past two days!

In the late 1950’s, my Grandma went to the grocery store alone, leaving the baby at home with my Grandad. He called the grocery store and HAD HER PAGED to tell her she needed to come home and change the baby’s dirty diaper. I am still so shocked by this story. My Grandma had a PhD in microbiology and help start a medical school, but she was also expected to have dinner on the table when my Grandad got home from work. I know a lot has changed since then but I feel as society evolves, we add more and more jobs to the societal expectations of women, while never taking anything away. It’s no wonder we are all losing our minds because the expectations are literally impossible to fulfill.

I’ve done this myself after seeing men parenting because it had been one, so rare, though increasingly no longer; and two, I felt the wild need to encourage any man who IS actively participating in parenting knowing how vital it is for his relationship to his own children but also for his wife.

On the flip side I am newly employed in a male dominated job – sales – and all the men but one have been super encouraging and are making quite an effort to ‘hear’ and make room for my input as well as share their skillsets. It is a small/mid-sized company of about a 1000 so this has been really gratifying. I think supporting each other in these ways IS vital for social balance, (men ARE doing something new to them and it is not rocket science but IS very difficult and requires a lot of skill), and maybe it is up to the husbands to recognize the load their wives are subjected to.

I think it is ALL about how essential communication of shared responsibilities with support and encouragement is to a successful family. Pretty sure most men have no idea how difficult parenting is other than how messy and stressful it can be. They do need encouragement to participate and learn.

When raising my kids as a single I was judged by both other moms and dads for NOT getting kids fast food. The pressure to compromise my children’s health so the other parents either wouldn’t feel guilty for giving their own kids fast food or think that they thought I was better than they were was enormous. The worst part is the kids lose – theirs for being raised on fast food; mine for being ostracized by their peers by an example being set by their parents

I think what this really points to is the EXPECTATION of men and how even an excellent man benefits mentally from low expectations. My husband is incredible, works full time and comes home and does his fair share of parenting and chores recognising that I was also ‘working’ during the day looking after our child. However, while I love and appreciate him for this – I do resent that he gets to benefit from society telling him how fantastic he is for doing his fair share. Taking our daughter to the park with his mates and having a beer -“awwww look at those amazing Dads”. Cooking us dinner and my Mom commenting that he is the “ultimate husband”. That is true and great but it really does is set him up for success every time! Anything he does is going to receive praise and gratitude, not just from me but from society. On the flip side, us mothers go about doing our fair share (or realistically, probably more) and we are left still wondering we are doing enough with no validation for any of our contributions. It’s odd and it definitely fed into a lot of my post partem anger issues!

I was raised by a single Dad. I’ll never, ever forget him telling us that when he went to set up our first bank accounts when we were kids, that the clerk was ASTONISHED that he knew our birthdays. OUR BIRTHDAYS. He couldn’t believe it. I’m a few months shy of 30, so this was only just in the 90’s!

Anyone have the charming experience of packing for a vacation? My husband smugly packs of backpack and announces that he is a minimalist. It’s up to me to pack my daughter’s long list of daily needs, not that he ever imagined doing so himself. For mother’s day this year, I just want to be a dad for a day.

The grocery store anecdote really hits home. My husband used to take our two kids to the grocery store on the weekends (pre-pandemic); I think he genuinely liked doing it, but also really relished in all of the “dad of the year”-type comments. In contrast, when I would take them (also while very pregnant with our third), I’d get all kinds of dirty looks as and so many unhelpful comments as I struggled to wrangle the kids and groceries around my heavily pregnant belly. Even writing about it now brings back flashes of hot shame, the clear message that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Women and mothers are amazing and doing such hard things every day. Where is the village that is supposed to lift us up?

What if you have no partner? You are both the good guy and the bad guy? Depending upon your child’s age, you may ALWAYS be the sole proprietor of “BAD GUY”. I am reading this from a triggered place because I am a full time single mother who works full time, as well. I guess in some ways I do not have these same troubles because there is only me and I do not have to manage the feelings felt when my partner is perceived as “more fun” or “more engaged”. I guess overall I crave more content and space for single parents, in similar situations to mine, where we feel seen.