Have a Delicious Weekend.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

This is such a good point, Lisa! I hadn’t thought about it that way in relation to Father’s Day commentary. I love that Mother’s Day has become more about celebrating all kinds of mothering in recent years, beyond biological motherhood, but this idea that having one day out of the year celebrating motherhood takes something away from people who don’t have positive associations with motherhood is a bit of a slippery slope, isn’t it? For comparison, I’m Jewish and don’t complain every year about the pervasiveness of Christmas everything starting in October every year just because it doesn’t pertain to me or may make me feel left out at times.

I learned it from Caitlin Moran. She’s a British Journalist who wrote the book “How to be a Woman”: “I have a rule of thumb that allows me to judge, when times is pressing and one needs to make a snap judgment, whether or not some sexist bullshit is afoot. Obviously, it’s not 100% infallible but by and large it definitely points you in the right direction and it’s asking this question; are the men doing it? Are the men worrying about this as well? Is this taking up the men’s time? Are the men told not to do this, as it’s letting the side down? Are the men having to write bloody books about this exasperating retarded, time-wasting, bullshit? Is this making Jeremy Clarkson feel insecure?

Almost always the answer is no. The boys are not being told they have to be a certain way, they are just getting on with stuff.”

It’s very helpful!

LOVE THIS and THANK YOU. I was thinking the EXACT same thing as I read the beautifully complex piece from Anne Lamott. I was like— YES to all this… BUT when has anyone ever said all this about Father’s Day?!?!? This stuff drives me crazy. It’s like— not only can’t women “have it all”, whatever the heck that means— but the moment we get ANYTHING we have to obsessively deconstruct why we got it, if we deserve it, what we should say about getting it— and what we should say about wanting to ever have it to begin with— and last but not least, offer a lengthy disclaimer for all the above.
To be honest, this is something I cherish about women (and of course it’s not the exclusive domain of women— there’s my disclaimer!). But just the fact that women have not had the upper hand (or any hand at all, oftentimes) in shaping the course of history, in building the foundations of “civilization” and its societal structures… So we are always at a vantage point for dismantling, and closely examining. ‘Cause we didn’t build the darn thing! Mostly, we’re just trying to hack it! Sometimes we get to build a little too. But anyway. Whenever you are not in the position of greatest power, you lack the privilege of “just” living you life in the “neutral” space of it being “just life”. It isn’t “just life” for women… so everything we say and do is by it’s very nature not “neutral”. We must explain ourselves, offer our apologies, disclaimers… and write very long comments on beautiful blogs like this. :)

Why it needs to be explained is because for so long we have defined mother by childbirth, which is limiting and inaccessible to many. Therefore, it requires an examination by the individual and collective as to what we are actually celebrating and what does it mean- “mother”? The American market ingrains in us an individualistic idea of motherhood and so often when we think of mother, we think of a single family unit. Lamott and others are using the opportunity to redefine mother in a more inclusive, generous, uplifting way and to shine light on how raising children is and should be the responsibility of the collective community. I absolutely think Father’s Day falls into this realm too and hope we can be leaders in expanding and opening those ideas too. E

Retail marketing is just the current, expert, AI-assisted method of exploiting women. Until women wake-up and recognize these strategies – and shut them down especially in the free-market – then we will continue to be diverted from what’s important to what those who generate marketing and social strategies want us to think about. That sector has been nearly exclusively been developed by men and what men think woman want to focus on.

And now, if we expect soul-less AI-defined marketing perpetrated by male, 25 year old computer engineers with no life wisdom but with gargantuan bank accounts and ego’s to match (because they must be doing something right – right? ? ) to be an improvement, than we deserve what we get.

Women who sorted out the social programming need to be writing and defining these social narratives IN the fields where they have the most impact: the marketplace and we do that by being honest with our families/partners about how we want to be honored. Personally I think men don’t have to deal with it on Father’s Day as much because they are already celebrated by their paychecks – they don’t need much further social acknowledgement of their value.

Want to celebrate the modern mom? Provide realistic paid maternity leave and childcare based on Europe’s sane and practical model. America and US business is openly hostile to those who choose to have children. Why do we just continuously accept it?

How many highly educated, well-connected, if not directly employed in legislation, women ARE there here in these comments, but also just out in the world having babies who just allow themselves and other less-fortunate women to be constrained by insanely misogynist and anti-family offices? THIS is the work the privileged among us need to be doing in whichever sectors we are employed. Because only the privileged can afford the risk and as well have connections to the decision-makers. DISRUPT now or be exploited for life.

I find this topic super upsetting as you can see but I want us as women to do better – I try my best every day but no one can do it alone. Join me, please.

*meant to say “American POLICY” and “office POLICY”
“Policy” must support life and well-being FIRST because that is the entire point of profitable business in the first place. Policy that ignores or defies this has lost the plot and must be re-adjusted to support success. Everyone knows by now that happy office environments are far more profitable.

@s
Sing it, sister ; D

We subsidize f*ing CORN for junk food but not childcare???

S: Very insightful comment. I am so lucky to live in Canada where for almost 2 decades now new parents have been given a full year paid maternity/paternity leave (The leave may be taken by the father instead). This applies to adoptive parental leaves, too.

I agree – I’ve been wondering about this too. It feels like one of those over-analyzing internet culture things. Mother’s Day can – and should – just be a day to say thanks to our moms/mother figures. Yet for the past couple of years I’ve noticed a trend in Mother’s Day apologetics, where every possible topic related to being a mom, not being a mom, etc., is brought out as a reason to not celebrate the day or, if one must, to do so with a subdued sense of guilt. It’s truly odd to me. I don’t have kids, don’t have a perfect relationship with my mom, but it’s a day. It’s a nice thing to acknowledge the incredible gift of life we all receive from our mothers.

I agree! Life is complicated, yes, but why must we also complicate saying “Happy Mother’s Day.” Jean, I laughed at “Mother’s Day apologetics.”

I agree and I’ve been thinking about this in the context of Father’s day. I’ve never seen these kinds of posts talking about men who wish they were fathers or people who’ve lost their father. I just became a mom this year (single mom by choice) and the road to get here was long and had a lot of sadness and acceptance of hard things and things not being how I wanted them to be. But I’m here and want to celebrate that.

Amen! It’s like not thanking the bus driver when you get off the bus. He or she may not be the best driver ever, but they are doing the work and should get some recognition.

I think we need more days to celebrate and remember. Life has always been complicated, but setting days apart to celebrate is better than being too afraid of doing the not perfect thing. Women carry most of the burden of raising children in every society on earth. For the love of all that is holy, brunch a card is the least we can do.

Yes!!!

I loved the piece and I love Mother’s day. I took it as friend’s tight squeeze on my hand when they know I am in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable.

It’s just an acknowledgement. It doesn’t mean mother’s day is gloomy or undeserved.

“Mother’s Day does not need to be such a gloomy holiday!” – well, no, but for some people it is. After I lost my mom 11 years ago, when I was 18, I found mother’s day to be so hard. In particular, all those emails from various companies in my inbox asking me what I was going to get for my mom for mother’s day.

There is a reason Anne Lamott said at the beginning that it was ‘ONLY for those of you who dread the holiday, dread having strangers, cashiers and waiters exclaim cheerfully, mindlessly, “Happy Mother’s Day!” when it is a day that, for whatever reason, makes you feel deeply sad. ‘. As someone who is not yet a mother but is the daughter of a dead mom, mother’s day does make me deeply sad, but I also am still able to feel joyful for the mothers I know who receive joy and care on that day. It doesn’t have to be one or the other – some of us are allowed to feel awful just like you’re allowed to feel joyful and neither of us should feel guilty for feeling either way.

I am a mom, and I did not find it utter bullshit at all. I think it is a dumb marketing push cloaked in sentimentality. As much as I appreciate the female body and ability to create life, that is for sure not the messaging around mother’s day. I am perfectly happy making my own choices about loving and appreciating my own body, my mother, my son, my family, and all of the others who have provided support to my parenting along the way. I don’t need Hallmark to tell me who to be as a human being, or to try to get me to buy more stuff as a gift, and I don’t need others to approve of, endorse, micromanage, or dictate my relationship with my mother. If your mother is unseen and that bothers you then change that up why don’t you, maybe do so on more than one day a year. Mother’s day has turned into an obnoxious national homework assignment forced on people who did not sign up for the class.

Pretty sure she also said at the very start – if you love Mothers Day, stop reading right now. Not for everyone.

I just don’t get why Jo and others fell all over it, like it’s wonderful to demean mothering? To compare the complexity of that relationship to wire monkey mothering? No one was equipped for it adequately, but if you stuck with it, you learned how to mother. My 5 year olds asked why we celebrate mothers. For starters, everyone came from a mother, period. How is that not mind-blowing?

She also said, I know I shouldn’t do this, I know people respond negatively to this but…. Which is typically a sign you should just not. I did actually stop reading then, until I saw the comments saying how brilliant the writing was. Hence the confusion in what was so brave about erasing the day.

It’s sad you feel pressure to celebrate a day that means so little to you. Celebrating the day, whether it’s national donut day, or little league opening day is a simple joy. To feel such bitterness about a day?!? Homework is not mandatory, especially for a class you aren’t taking. If the pill is bitter, spit it out. I certainly feel no obligation to celebrate or be celebrated in any particular way. Every year I get better about asking for what I need. But I’ve put in the actual blood, sweat, and tears and I’d like 1 day a year for a little recognition from my family. Moms never get shit. They always put themselves last, so I will drink a bottle of champagne and have my meals all cooked by someone else, for one day Emily! Having to consistently listen to people, especially other women, even the high priestesses of feminism like Anne Lamott knock down the value, the labor, the work, the sacrifices, of mothering rather than extolling the virtues is just so patriarchal. C’mon now.

I’m not on Facebook either but was able to read it. Just click on the “not now” button when it asks you to log-in.

Thank you.

haha Laura I felt the same way!

I had mixed thoughts on this post. On one hand, I appreciated her narrative about women in their 30’s and 40’s being screwed regarding body image and could highly relate to it. On the other hand, she clearly has a much more conventionally attractive figure and body type than the average 40-something (or really, the average woman at any age), so I find the idea of her being “brave” hard by posting pics that aren’t air brushed hard to swallow. She has the type of body, no airbrushing needed, that I dieted myself silly as a teen and young adult trying unsuccessfully to attain. That makes me think, “God, if I posted pics of myself in a swimsuit online, would strangers tell me I was “brave,” or would they just tell me I was disgusting, because my body looks so much less socially acceptable than this?” I have a few friends who have similarly conventionally “great” figures to Emily’s and also struggle with body image issues, and I don’t want to negate the real harm that those feelings present. But at the same time, when my size two friend talks about her cellulite, I’m going to take it a little personally, you know? I guess I’m just saying, without any judgment as to the author’s intent, holding up a curvy size six woman as “brave” is just taking us backwards.

I think the point is that we all have varying views of our bodies. Our bodies may look great to the rest of the world, but to us look not so great. I think your comment is a good reminder that we are our own harshest critic! But it also doesn’t mean that our feelings about ourselves aren’t valid, even if others disagree.

We eat salad out of a bowl in our house. Just had a Cesar salad, steak and baked potatoes with corn on the cob tonight.

I do agree. Something’s just taste better in combination, especially cold salads with rich contrasts.

LOL!