Finally! The Thing That Helped My Kids’ Separation Anxiety

I used the pizza trick on myself (in my early 30s lol) before a job interview a few months ago. I felt anxiety before leaving the car to go in and I told myself “It’s just a thing you’re doing before you get to go to the art shop and pick up new supplies.” It helped me not hyper-fixate on the task at hand (which makes me even more nervous) and let me see how it fit into the day, that the day and life is more than that one moment despite feeling otherwise. Yay learning coping skills later in life!

What a great topic! Thanks for all the tips. Our family of 4 is traveling abroad to spend time with my parents. It’s our first time visiting and we are staying 4.5 months. My husband will only stay for a month. My 2.5 years old daughter will be out of daycare and her current routine. Any suggestions on how to prepare her for an extended separation from one parent in a new environment?

Focusing on the reunion is just such a great tip.

My two year old is currently happy enough to go off to nursery – even though somedays he presents a different agenda for our day in a heart-breakingly sweet and hopeful fashion. Some cuddles and talking and he’s usually good to go.

But this hasn’t always been the case and he may have yet another week or so of dropoff tears in his future. I’ve come to realise that his reasons for tears are all rooted in separation anxiety but have different reasons behind each time. He could be going through something developmentally. Something at nursery may have changed and he’s having trouble coping. Here are some approaches I’ve found to help:
1. When he was 1 time was just this impossible concept for him. So I would talk him through his day: First you have breakfast, then you sit in a circle with your friends and play the feelings game. Then you have fruit! Yummy! Etc… all the way to “And after tea… MUMMY!”
2. Then when he turned 2 he had this huge overwhelming separation anxiety attack. Sleeping ON me, clinging all the time, crying if I’m out of sight separation anxiety. Nothing would get him through that except time and being attached to me. But I doubled down on talking him through his routine and making sure I was never ever late so he’d never worry. His nursery also made me a book for him with pictures of him going through his day so we could talk about it and when he realised he could tell me things, even mostly non-verbally, that really helped!
3. Then came the 2.5 year control-issues-tantrums. Having him pack his backpack to bring with him and pick his outfits, plan what we’d do after nursery has all really really helped.

Now for whatever year three brings. Gambatte!

Thank you!! I’m in the thick of this with my almost 2 year old right now and I will try this tomorrow!

Omg want more of Anton and Toby conversation!!!!

Any advice for helping a child who doesn’t want parents to go downstairs when he’s in bed upstairs? He does great with school. But oof, bedtime!

just here to say that I moved my college sophomore daughter into her apartment this august and she cried all day. in fact, I came home from work the night before she was moving to find her curled up in my bed crying. it was difficult to leave her when she was feeling so sad. of course two days later she was totally fine. by the way–her apartment is 20 min away from our home. her freshman year in the dorms went the same way–I took her out to dinner after moving her in and she had been crying all day–the waitress asked where she was moving from–and couldn’t help but smile when my daughter told her she was from here. it’s not just toddlers that face separation anxiety. haha

I love this! We had a very similar realization! My son adores my parents and sees them several days a week. He would still sometimes cry when it was time for me to leave. I started asking him to pick something from home (I was going home to work) that I could bring back for him. Sometimes it was snack. Sometimes it was a toy. Sometimes it was something very weird. But, it focused his attention on my return and gave him some control. Almost always helped!

If your child’s school has a playground, visiting on weekends or in the evening can be a great way to create a positive association with the school. This is particularly helpful to do the summer before kindergarten!

I was actually googling “daughter cries every day at drop-off,” so am so happy for this topic! I’m excited to try out so many ideas here. Something that (maybe?) has helped me is just maintaining a predictable routine with my daughter–i.e., goodbye/goodnight means that. No more water or whatever. I want to show her I know we’ll both be okay, love each other through our days, and reunite soon.

I teach PreK – 3-5yr olds – at a small, private school. We’re a Reggio Inspired classroom and put a lot of time into building solid, connected relationships with children and families. I love so many of the ideas shared here! Thoughtful, careful, and honest ways to support your children and some I’ll pass on to parents.

The guidance I offer parents is this – This is one time you have to keep your own feelings undercover. Present yourself as confident, that you know your child is in the right place, firm and loving. Don’t say good-bye until you’re actually leaving and leave once you do say good-bye – no matter what. Create a ritual that works for your family – Are you going to come in and read 1 book? Come in and stay for 5 minutes? Give a hug and kiss at the door? In my classroom there’s lots of support for children who are sad. We don’t try to talk kids out of their feelings. We acknowledge feelings, hold them on our laps, and keep our vibe calm. We have a whole tool box of tried and true methods for loving children through their sorrow.

Once when I was the helping Mom (we had two per class) at pre-school, one of the little boys was having a terrible time separating— all tears and sniffles — and I asked: “If I sketch a Ninja Turtle on the easel, could you paint it in for me?” (This was 30 some years ago when Ninja Turtles were IT.) Almost instantly, Mom got pushed out the door so we could get started.

Also used to take my great nephew once a week. He was always teary at the front door but by the time we reached the kitchen (a VERY short walk) he was distracted by the breakfast choices (pancakes usually won out).

I think in both cases, the IDEA of separating was much worse than actually being separated. And if you can distract the child just a bit, he/she will be fine. BTW, if anyone’s wondering — I wasn’t very successful distracting my own children. Probably my separation anxiety was a bit worse than theirs.

Have y’all been listening to/reading Dr. Becky Kennedy’s new book/podcast “Good Inside”? She posted last week about separation and how it’s always beneficial to frame it as when you will be together next and what you are going to do, just like you are saying in this post. I have started saying bye to everyone like this. To my son: see you after school and cross country practice. Looking forward to have tacos with you tonight for Taco Tuesday. Then we started talking about tacos and not about how he didn’t want to run after school. Game changer.

Found ourselves with a tough drop off spell after moving classrooms this year. After a few weeks of truly brutal drop offs, we made a plan together to set a five minute timer when we got to school, then when it goes off, kiddo presses stop and we walk together to the waving window, I give him a raisin (weird treat, I know!) and leave. It worked the first time and we’re still at it almost a year later. Was such a lesson to me that sometimes all they need is a little more structure and predictability so they can feel relaxed and safe!

I love this idea! Will definitely keep in my back pocket. Another thing we’ve done with great success– use her stuffed animals to act out her school day the night before. One animal is the teacher, some are school friends, and 2 matching animals are me and my daughter, Gemma. Her favorite part is when the mommy animal says goodbye and she chucks her out of the “school” :-) She can still see the mommy is there, just not inside the school with Gem and friends. It helped her wrap her mind around the separation concept and giver her some control!

Our previous daycare had a trick where the kids would literally push their parents out the door. I think the fact that it put them in control, and the humor that they were big and strong enough to push mom/dad really worked for us!

I got the idea from Big Little Feelings to write my toddler “notes.” They’re usually stick figure drawings of our family with hearts and maybe one sentence. She keeps them in her backpack and can look at them anytime she feels sad. When she says “I don’t want to go to school,” I respond with “I know, it’s hard when I leave you. What can you do if you feel sad?” and she replies with a smile, “Look at my note!!”

Having recently discovered this exact same trick with my two year old I’ve been reflecting on how it is also quite often what I need too! My partner likes to go out and socialise a lot more than me and I can tend to take it as a rejection. Planning to do something nice together afterwards really helps me. Turns out me and my kid are more alike than I realised!

Definitely has worked for us, with the promise of playground, library, grocery store, you name it! Recently my three year old has also started giving me small toys, asking me to bring them to her at pick up–I think it’s her way of assuring that I’ll be there and that there is this link holding us together throughout the day. I don’t mind having a few toy animals in my bag at the office either!

Any tips for younger babies starting daycare? I have an 11m old starting next week and I’m in bits! 😭

Yes! I recently used this same strategy to help my son get through a piano recital. He was terrified about the idea of performing, so I told him this was no big deal, just a stop we were making on our way to get pizza afterwards — one of a couple errands, really. It totally worked! As he was walking up to the stage, I heard him muttering to himself “It’s just a quick stop before pizza; it’s just a quick stop before pizza.”

Going through this currently with my soon to be 3 yr old. Some days she does great, but this morning was especially rough. She just keeps asking for “one more kiss and hug” (how can I deny her???) and saying, “I need you!” 🥺 Going to try this trick tomorrow!

Something that has been working well with my toddler (3) as she switched to a big girl bed and is starting to have night time separation issues is planning to meet in our dreams. Her dreams is something we’ve been speaking about for a while, both when she’s going to bed (asking her what she plans to dream about) and also when she wakes up (what did you dream about)? It can be revisiting a real experience or an imaginary one. Now, I’ll ask her where we should meet or suggest an activity we will do together in our dreams and then we both need to go to our beds so we can fall asleep and get to our dreams! Of course, bedtime can still be a struggle but I do find it comforts her.
@ourmamavillage is also a great follow for this kind of content and advice, I really appreciate Jess’s perspective on separation with little kids!

When I was a teacher, I found that getting a yes from a sad child was the way to counter the separation process. It could be a request for help – could you perhaps come and give me a hand with x? I wonder if you would carry this for me/open the door/help me put this away? Once there is a positive response, it seems to wipe the negativity of the situation. The fact that I often sounded like a Victorian matron – never underestimate the subjunctive or the conditional verb form when seeking a degree of compliance – seemed to fascinate them or distract them enough to change the mood. And sharpening pencils. The magic of that little task with the electric whizzing sharpener.

I dealt with this problem so acutely, and like Joanna, couldn’t find a picture book that helped, so I actually just wrote one myself! It’s called Asher the Dino: Mommy Goes to Work. Sorry for the self-promotion, but it seems on point. Hoping it can help some other kiddos and moms in the same situation! :)