Why My Husband and I Gave Our Daughter My Last Name

A lot of people don’t know that you can put whatever you want on the birth certificate. My significant other and I chose to give our children a completely new last name, neither of ours. People are typically shocked, but we’ve never had an issue with the schools somehow.

When I got married, I chose to take my husband’s last name, because I am not particularly close to my father. For me, it felt much better to have the name of the man I chose to spend my life with, rather than the name of the man to whom I happened to be born.

LOVE this.

I wanted to do this too, and it was very much on the table. In the end, we realized we each strongly desired that link with our child, so our child’s surname is Hisname Myname (no hyphen because we don’t like it, order decided by the sound). So he’s channeling Daniel Day Lewis or Helena Bonham Carter.

But I completely agree we’ve created a conundrum for his potential future with a partner. Names would pile up exponentially if succeeding generations followed our lead.

We picked my husbands name for our daughter. Not because it’s the default, but because we knew the chance sthat my motherhood would ever be questioned would be sooo much smaller than his fatherhood would have been if he had a different name than our kid. Also, my partner is Latino in a European country, we felt that it would make it even more likely that people would mistake him for the stepdad/mother’s boyfriend. (And even though our daughter is the spitting image of het father, but blonde, people are always telling me how much she looks like me. She doesn’t.)

Neither my husband nor I changed our names when we married. Our sons both have my last name. But they also have two middle names. So first name, first middle name, father’s last name as middle name, my last name.

We figured that as long as most Americans are giving kids the father’s last name (in cishet relationships), we want to do the mothers last name. Doing our part to push against patriarchal norms.

I love the idea of choosing the right surname for your child – or for yourself! I consider myself a strong woman and feminist but never felt particularly tied to my maiden name. My identity in no way was connected to my last name. My husband’s name is easy to pronounce and as a doctor, I knew the name would be said out loud often. I chose to take his last name because I liked it better. It is also an Irish name, and I was particularly close with my Irish grandmother so felt like a nod to her in some way. What an amazing thing to have the choice!

I’m curious what thoughts readers have about giving a child the exact same name as their father. We are expecting a baby boy and my husband is the third. There doesn’t seem to be any significant reason why this has been the trend in his family and I really don’t want our son to be the fourth. I want him to have his own unique name and possibly have part of my surname incorporated into it (I kept my last name when we married).

I totally agree with you. Why is my partner name more important than mine. We do all the hard work, why should two minutes of work get the prize.

To tell the truth, I completely understand your position and decision because it is absolutely justified. I really like your way of thinking because it is so modern and not typical at the same time. I think that people should learn to think not one-sidedly and think outside the box what your story confirms. I think that we need to be free and go beyond the usual without being afraid of condemnations because only this can make us happier. I would like to say that you are a very conscious and wise person and I really like your words that the history of your husband does not matter more than yours. Of course, women have a special and unbreakable bond with their child and they make such a great contribution to him before his birthday. I think that any mother deserves not less, but even more than the father that her child should bear her surname.

I have to say I have mixed feelings about this post ~ In Portugal, the kids usually have 4 names: Main name, second name, Mother’s name and finally Father’s name. To symbolize the union of the family. In my family, however, the women never took on their husbands’ names, no matter who they married they kept their names. I have no idea why that is but I like it. I married a South Korean man and I also didn’t take his name, but I feel happy that if we ever have kids, they will have both of our names and tbh I think that the kid having the father’s name last is just as great as having the mother’s name. While I understand the need for society to change I feel conflicted that men and women are nowadays “competing” for this type of thing, or that women feel the need to prove they have done more by adding their names last. I think it’s also important to understand that having the father’s name last gave women and kids protection, and even though it came from patriarchal traditions, it was that way for a reason. Nowadays we don’t have that need for protection from a man or his family and I completely support the usage of the name of the woman last. But let’s not forget the true reason things were done, and let’s stop vilifying the past or even comparing our achievements with our spouses. While you carried the baby, your husband made sure to care for everything else and most likely gave you support and so many other things, etc. Everyone is contributing in their own way, and with what they can give. You didn’t give your last name because you are a feminist, you gave your name because you wanted to.

I recall sending my brother articles, and him saying ‘I’d take the woman’s surname’, but alas, his fiancee seeks the simpler 9 letter ‘anglo’ surname, to her more french name with a D’.

For me, I’ve vacillated on what I’d do. I hate always spelling my surname which is as it sounds (to me!). However, after 2 years dating and being a step mum, I’m actually super keen to take the kids (and their dad’s) last name. I’ll never be their bio mum, and that’s OK, but I’d love society to make an assumption that I’m Mrs Smith (for example). And his ex wife regrets taking his name, so she’ll likely return to her equally simple maiden name in time – but even if she doesn’t, we’re family, and I’d like to share the surname,

This hits home for me in a major way.
When I was 8 years old, my mother officially divorced by dad (they had been separated for about 5 years prior). A few months after the divorce I remember looking at her name on a school form and asking her why she still had my dad’s last name. She was stunned by my question and asked whether or not it would bother me if she changed it back to her maiden name. I remember feeling a burst of anger and saying absolutely not! Please change it back it is who you are. It meant a lot to me that there was a distinction between my married mom who was angry and sad and striving for a happier life and my divorced mom who owned her power and was striving for a happier life. She changed her name back. When I got married I also married a really cool guy who didn’t feel threatened by my keeping my name (which btw IS my dad’s last name and that’s ok).

My son has my husband’s last name (while he doesn’t mind my keeping his name for some reason his kids not having his name really didn’t sit well with him. I blame the Cuban patriarchal society we were raised in).

I’ve been thinking about it so much lately and feel it is only fair to add it so we will be changing his name to both of ours to honor me as a mother and I will not make this mistake with the second.

Having kid number two in a matter of days. First child has my last name as their middle name and my husband’s as their surname. Kid number two will have my husband’s last name as their middle name and my last name as their surname. It works for us!

When we had our kids, now 20-somethings, we decided a boy would have my husband’s last name, a girl mine. As it happened we had one of each. Though we’ve gotten every reaction, from “I wish we’d done that” to “that’s weird”, we’ve never regretted it and I think the kids are proud of it. Very surprised it’s not more common in this day and age. Thanks for the essay.

My 3 brothers and I have my mother’s last name. My 2 children have my last name. I have a stronger connection to my last name then my husband and we agree that I grew them, I birthed them, I am their primary caregiver so why wouldn’t they have my name?

I legally kept my last name following marriage, but I socially and professionally, I use a hyphenate of both of our names. Our daughter’s surname is a hyphenate of both of our names. If she decides to slough one off for any reason, she’ll be free to do so! Naming is a beautiful thing and there is no one right way. I appreciate that the writer of this article is announcing something that differs from the norm. We can do what we want and trailblazers are always welcome and brave!!

This is so interesting. I have just done the opposite of this. Our community, in the southern part of India (Kerala) has a tradition of using the mother’s family name as the child’s surname. Since I did not feel very connected to my mother’s family, I gave our child my husband’s first name as their surname! I guess what matters most is the connection they feel and not the name

I willingly took my husband’s…mine started with Hor being the complete first syllable. I love my family, but in our language that is not a sound I liked!

My husband’s middle name is his mother’s maiden name. He is the 2nd of 4 boys.

I met a woman whose family didn’t treat her well, she changed her last name to Yarrow. She belongs to the earth.

I have enjoyed reading this piece as well as the comments. It is so timely!

I did not take my husband’s name when we got married. I am currently pregnant with our first child. We have not settled on last name for the baby, it’s early yet, and we haven’t really discussed names much. I am leaning towards my last name, it’s more interesting than my husband’s, because I want to, etc etc. The potential hitch is that I have a hyphenated last name. It is, however an alliterative hyphenated name with a good cadence, long but not “a mouth-full”.

I am not interested in doing a different hyphen (ie one of mine and his), but I wonder about passing on a hyphenated name. It hasn’t always need easy growing up with one, but also it’s my identity and there are other things so much more annoying than correcting someone about my name. I know in the end it’s our choice to make, and we will decide together. I just don’t see in all these comments, anyone in the exact situation here.

When I got married I did change my last name to my husbands because that’s what I wanted, but, I felt like I did not want to lose my last name either ( I was told at SS that hyphenating it would be too long). What I did instead was change my middle name to my maiden name. My children have their father’s, and now my, last name but they are very aware and interested in learning about where my maiden name came from, since it is an unusual last name.

My child has my wife’s family name. I support this, of course (for the reasons mentioned by the author), but do find it difficult. My parents are very disappointed. It’s sad that there is no win-win here. In my country you cannot use both names for a child and even if you could, as the author points out, the name coming second may not be used in practice and gets dropped in the next generation.

It was never a question that I would keep my own name when I got married. My mom kept hers and it just felt natural to do so. Plus it’s the name I identify with the most in my life. I’m not a “Insert Husband’s Last Name here” I’m a “My Last Name”.

On the note of my future child, I definitely want them to have my last name. My husband and I are not particularly close with his family and I don’t think they should have the honor of having the same last name as my child.