How Did You Know You Were Ready to Have a Baby?

Cup of Jo has been running for 13 years (!), so we’ve decided that every week, we’ll be highlighting a popular post from the past. Here’s one of our favorites, originally published on May 11, 2015…

One of the most frequently asked questions I get is “How did you know when you were ready to have a baby?” I’m very happy to share my answer, of course, and over the past few months, I asked 11 other women to weigh in, as well. Their answers were fascinating (and so different!)…

Ignorance is Bliss

For me, the initial decision-making process was clear. My whole life I knew I wanted children. I played with dolls, babysat for years and cooed after every child that passed me by. After meeting Alex, I felt even more sure about starting a family sooner than later.

Even though none of our friends had kids yet, my arms would literally ache for the weight of a baby. It was a surprisingly physical, visceral feeling. We agreed to try for a baby after we got married, and once we got home from our honeymoon, lo and behold I discovered I was pregnant.

While my decision to have a child was clear, I was still blown away by what a huge life change motherhood was, and I faced ups and downs that came with having a child. I adore parenting, but funnily enough, it’s only in hindsight did I realize what a big decision it actually was.
— Joanna

Starting Young

I always wanted to be a young mother. My mom had me when she was 34 and she died when she was 52. I realized that if she had had me younger, I would have had more years with her. I wanted to give my kids the longest time possible to have a mom. So at the ripe old age of 23 I gave birth to my daughter, and at 25 I had twin boys. My dreams of being a young mom came true. I just hope my kids still want me around when I’m a grumpy 98-year-old.
— Sharon

Accidental Baby

Our son was a total surprise. I call him my juice cleanse baby. At the time, we were using a diaphragm for protection. I did my first juice cleanse (this was many years ago now) when they were all the rage. Well, I lost 12 pounds — I didn’t realize that would affect how the diaphragm fit, but, it did! So, I didn’t have the challenges of deciding to have a child, but I did struggle with motherhood. I love my son and was so humbled to become a mother but I hadn’t been emotionally prepared for everything I was giving up (alone time, time with my husband, casual morning sex) and I didn’t realize the energy and willpower it takes to juggle a career and a child, and just the general ongoing sacrifice of myself for my family that comprises being a mother. It took me a long time to find my own way through those woods.
— Audrey

One Mormon Experience

I was 25 when my first daughter was born. It’s common in the Mormon culture to have kids really young. Financial stability isn’t always a factor, it’s often assumed everything will work out fine. My husband was still in law school; we didn’t question whether we were prepared or not.

My mom had us young; I was the oldest of five, and, growing up, family was the forefront of everything in our Mormon community. Although I love that, the way girls are raised can sometimes be unbalanced. My parents would always talk about their excitement for me to be a mom, but they’d never say to me, we’re so excited to see what you’ll do with your college degree. It wasn’t pressure, it was an assumption; it was just what you do.

I don’t want to make assumptions for my daughter, and I’m always trying to plant seeds, like saying, IF you want to be a mom someday, or IF you want to be a doctor someday. I want her to have a different mindset. I want her to feel open to every possibility and know there is joy in all of it.

When it came to having kids, I honestly didn’t think about it. It’s so silly to admit that, it makes me feel kind of foolish! My friend recently joked, “I put so much more thought into which stroller to buy than whether or not to have a kid.” I’m happy with the way everything has shaken out, but its funny to imagine what our lives would be like if we hadn’t had kids so young.
— Linsey

Deciding to Adopt

Before I even met my husband, I knew I wanted to adopt. I didn’t feel a deep desire to be pregnant, but I felt deeply that I would be a loving mom to a child “who is already here,” as I used to say to my friends. My husband is adopted, so when we started talking about having a family, he was very open to the idea. When it turned out that I had some medical issues that would have made pregnancy tricky, even dangerous, he was one hundred percent pro. When I asked him “How do you feel about being the adopted father of an adopted child?”, he got this very tender look in his eyes and said, “I’ll know how to explain it to her.”

I have many friends who’ve adopted, and each one is a beautiful story, but ours was uniquely fast. We had had one preliminary “how does this work?” conversation with an adoption attorney, but we were busy in our lives and thought we’d wait six months or a year before starting the paperwork and all the other requirements.

Then one day, out of the blue, our adoption attorney called and said, “I have a situation with a birth mom. She’s six-months pregnant and the couple that was going to take her baby found another baby. Would you like to be considered?” We looked at each other over the phone for a moment. It wasn’t our timing. We were still living in my tiny apartment. But we had no reason to say no.

A few days later our attorney called us back with a trill in her voice. “The birth mom picked you!” she shouted. I felt like my heart was bursting out of my chest. Miracle, miracle, miracle, I kept saying to myself.

For the next month, we did nothing but paperwork, or so it seemed. Finances, background checks, original birth certificates, testimonials from friends, bank records, tax returns and meetings with a social worker. I said it was like going to work for the CIA combined with buying a house. At the same time, our birth mom found out her baby would be arriving early. We were in a race against the clock to get our paperwork done before the baby was scheduled to be induced.

We made it by one day. We were in the hospital when our daughter was born. We were holding her within hours. It had been seven weeks since that phone call from our attorney. Seven weeks from no baby to being a mom.

We are so grateful to the birth mom. She made the hard decision to put her daughter up for adoption. I never forget that. And I love my little girl so much. She is a joy to us every day.
— Anne

An Intellectual Decision

I was the baby of the family and didn’t babysit, either. So I never grew up with the feeling that I had to have kids. I just figured after I got married I would one day have the urge. So I waited, and waited… no urge.

As my mid-thirties approached, my husband and I realized that our choice to have kids would be more of a intellectual decision instead of an emotional decision. We felt stable financially, were enjoying staying home on Saturday nights, and basically said, “Why not?” I was worried my lack of urge would make it hard to adapt to being a mom, but I loved my son deeply from the second I met him and have never regretted our decision. I always say I wasn’t ready to have kids, but I readied myself.
— Lanie

‘There’s No Perfect Time’

My husband and I knew we wanted to have kids. When we were nearing 30, my husband suggested we get started. I said, “But things are so good the way they are,” and he replied, “There’s no perfect time to have a baby.” That resonated with me.

There was always some career or life reason why the timing wasn’t ideal, but I realized in retrospect that that would forever be the case, even with our second or third baby. I don’t think everyone has that alarm bell inside that says, “Today is the day.”

Of course the moment our children joined us, our lives made room for them. That’s just the way it is. I think as humans we get apprehensive about change, but then we adapt to it so much that we can’t imagine what life was like before.
— Samantha

A Long-Term Vision

My partner and I asked ourselves what we wanted our lives to be like in 10, 15 or 20 years and we tried to make the decision based on that vision. We decided we wanted to be a part of a bustling, interdependent, multigenerational community of adults and kids, and we wanted to go to soccer games and graduations. So it wasn’t as much a matter of “am I ready to be horribly sleep-deprived; will I find that awesome?” as it was “the life we want to have when we are 50, ideally, has kids in it.”

I think that if we assume that when you are “ready” it means that the adjustment to a with-kids lifestyle will be fairly easy and natural and we won’t regret it, then almost no one is ever ready. It’s sensible to feel ambivalent about that disruption, and a certain pragmatic ambivalence doesn’t mean you’re not ready.

It’s also such a stark decision. It’s not like deciding to go to grad school and knowing that if you hate it you can drop out. Once you have a kid, you have him or her forever. So I think a lot of this question is about trying to predict regret. If I have kids, will I regret it sometimes? If I don’t have kids, will I regret it sometimes? And for most people, the answer to both questions is probably yes. There’s not really a self-awareness quiz that will help us never to feel wistful about the whatever path we didn’t take.
— Emily

Just One Kid

While working at Elle Magazine, I heard so many women talk about the ups and downs of parenthood. So I was able to think and think and think about it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a child. But I wasn’t sure that I didn’t want a child. I was 50/50, completely ambivalent. My whole thing was I wanted to be totally sold on it before getting into it. I wanted to want it.

But, a fertility counselor I once interviewed for a story told me you don’t actually ever want to get to the point where you want a child more than anything else in the world, since usually when women get to that point it’s because they can’t have one. Another doctor I interviewed suggested that instead of thinking “yes” or “no” on kids, it might help to think, “one kid” or “more than one kid.” She pointed out that one kid would provide the joy of parenting in a less intense way than multiple kids and that many of the things I was worried about might not be a factor with one child — my career, my relationship, my finances.

That’s was first time someone mentioned one child as a compromise. So we had a child.

Now I struggle all the time with how to tell people what it feels like to have a child. Before I had decided to have a child, I would get very frustrated when people would say super optimistic things, like, “Once you have one you’ll love them SO much.” I would roll my eyes. But I struggle now because it IS such a wonderful thing. How can I tell people that without sounding like an brainwashed, annoying person who is overly besotted with her baby? But, it’s so awesome. Every single day I feel so happy, like 100% happy, that we had a child. That’s why I never write about it or address the topic of motherhood with a tone of “and we lived happily ever.” It just sounds so ugh. But I’m so, so, so glad we did it.
— Corrie

Deciding ‘No’

Even as a child, motherhood was never something I pictured myself doing. Pretending to be a mother was a role I found boring compared to other games, like pretending to be a spy, a dancer or a teacher. There was so much world to explore beyond the relatively small domestic realm of raising children, I thought. When I got older, I never enjoyed babysitting, either.

I noticed that I wasn’t captivated by the everyday aspects of parenting people envision when they yearn for a child, either — dressing and undressing a baby, bath time, bedtime, playing in the park. I’ve always felt that focusing on those things would involve missing out on intellectual stimulation and that I would resent the repetitiveness, endless housework and other demands that come with being a mom.

Articulating why I don’t want children has been a long, thoughtful process for me because I have been asked to justify it so many times. People sometimes take issue when you say that you don’t want children, so I always felt I had to come up with brash or witty responses to being attacked for expressing this preference, ranging from “I don’t like babies” (for the shock effect) to “There’s so much else I want to do in my life” to “I would have kids if I could have a wife and be a father.” I don’t think I would have encountered the same level of skepticism, curiosity or even hostility about my decision not to have children if I were a man.

People often think of a life without children as empty, but the only times I feel my life is empty are when I am creatively blocked or when I am not able to spend enough time with friends and family whom I love. Quiet and order are important to me. I need both to be able to think and read and write.

When many of my friends started having children, I became more aware of the fact that some day, as I got older, my option to have kids would definitively end. And being in a committed relationship has made me stop and think through my decision once more. But ultimately, my partner and I are both committed to our work, to travel and to having our lives be open to opportunity.
— Meg

A Busy Calendar

A lot of the decision was just finding a quiet stretch in our schedules. After our wedding, we waited a couple of months to take our Italian honeymoon and I knew I didn’t want to be pregnant and miss out on the wine and the cheese and the cured meats. Then, in the year that followed, a seemingly endless string of life circumstances intervened: we had five more weddings we wanted to fully celebrate; I quit my job; we moved apartments; I started my freelance career, making life more hectic and uncertain.

We felt like it made the most sense to wait until we had settled into our marriage and our careers and the mad rush of trips and weddings slowed. I ended up getting pregnant RIGHT after my best friend’s wedding — at the same time she did.
— Stephanie

Hoping Every Month

I was quite sure I did not want a child throughout my twenties. I had a strong gut feeling that I didn’t want someone to need me that much. I had always adored kids, but I wanted my freedom and having a family just wasn’t calling me!

Then something changed for me around age 32. It wasn’t a lightning bolt, it was a slow shift. I decided to take some time to get my cycles in order and see if I could work on general fertility for a while. I dove into the book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and adjusted how I ate and took care of myself.

I started to welcome the idea of a child and let it sit with me. I started talking about it more with my sweetheart. I started to feel more emotionally connected to our idea of a family of three and we felt more sure it was something we were hoping for and not just wondering about.

By the time I turned 35, we were hoping to be pregnant every single month. It was a long journey for us, which took many twists and turns, but we finally found out I was pregnant about six weeks before my 39th birthday. I am now 30 weeks along and due this summer. We are not at the end of our story by any means, and I feel lucky to be where I am every single day. I’ll always remember and respect how long everything took.

My only real piece of advice about figuring out if you are “ready” is to take your time. So many of us rush around all day long and take that same approach with the big decisions in our lives. People always say life moves quickly, but I disagree. I think life moves slowly if you are paying attention. There is so much for us to take from and learn from every single day. If you pay attention, you will know if and when you are ready and even the pondering becomes an important part of the journey. I wish everyone a good and fulfilling path toward their own families, no matter what they look like!
— MAV

Thank you so much to these women for sharing their personal stories. What about you? Are you weighing the decision right now? If you have a child, how did you know you were ready? I am so curious to hear…

P.S. How many kids do you hope to have (we’re torn!), and would you ever decide not to have kids?

(Top photo by Ruth Orkin; bottom photo of Toby as a newborn. A few names have been changed for people’s privacy.)

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Mallory

February 11, 2023 6:44am 6:44 am

I had a deeply traumatic childhood and spent most of my adult life certain I would never marry or have children because those seemed to be the things that brought my parents the most unhappiness. I also thought I would never be able to break generational cycles of trauma and was terrified of inflicting the same childhood I’d had on some poor innocent who didn’t ask for it. But after years of therapy and personal healing, I met and married a wonderful man and we finished grad school and moved to a great city and started jobs that gave us financial stability and bought a house and then…I was 36 years old when I looked around and thought, yes. I can do this. And I want to do this. We are self-aware, caring, loving people who are resilient and capable–it just took a while to get there.

Elise

July 18, 2022 4:34pm 4:34 pm

I always assumed I would have kids, and there was a period in my early adulthood when I was taking classes in counseling and child development where I was really excited to have children. But, the closer I’ve gotten to it being a possibility (getting married, then being a few years in to marriage) it just seemed less and less appealing. Someone else mentioned having older friends who had babies first- that’s definitely the case for me as well. I’ve witnessed many of my close friends become parents, and I think that being exposed to the day-to-day of their lives helped me realize that it’s not for me. I love kids – all my nieces and nephews and 2nd cousins and so on, but I love coming home to just my husband and talking about grown up things or stupid things, or nothing at all. Our family feels complete with two.

December 6, 2021 11:17pm 11:17 pm

I am immensely glad to see a child free perspective here as well.

I have known since I was 5 that I don’t want children, and the pandemic solidified that for me. I scheduled sterilization surgery this year and at the age of 26 am now blissfully sterile. It’s an immense relief for me to be able to say that!

I very much enjoy the perspectives of mothers, and I enjoy seeing the different ways our lives have progressed, but sometimes it’s a bit difficult to not feel left out of the discussion.

Kaya Wells

November 12, 2021 11:35am 11:35 am

Thank you for this post. Very inspiring and meaningful to me!

Susana Barrientos

September 8, 2021 3:33pm 3:33 pm

I realize I wanted one when my period was late two years ago. I felt ready and realizing I could be pregnant was starting to feel exciting even though I had never really given it much thought before. I knew my boyfriend really wanted one. The first night we met that was all we talked about is having kids. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be negative. Another week goes by and still no period. I was really hoping that the pregnancy test was a false negative and my boyfriend started to get really excited. I had never had a late period before so I wasnt sure what to expect. I went to the doctor soon after this and it turns out I am menopausal at the of 36. My hormones drastically dropped and I was also diagnosed with lupus. It has been a year now and I am still privately mourning the three weeks I thought I was pregnant because that is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant since IVF is way too expensive for us. Egg donation ivf is the only option for us now if it wasnt so expensive but it breaks my heart to think I will never have a biological child. My boyfriend still struggles with the weeks we thought we were pregnant.

Kasia

July 8, 2021 6:20am 6:20 am

I needed this so much, thank you. I’m trying to make my own decision and it’s so useful and supportive to learn different perspectives. <3 I think there's very little said about ambivalent feelings and adjusting to the idea of motherhood. Along with other posts, this is all really helful, thank you!

Claudia

March 15, 2021 5:06am 5:06 am

Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been pressurising myself to make a decision about when to start a family and it has been causing me a lot of anxiety recently because I don’t feel convinced it’s the right choice, or that I’m ready. The stories here were so varied and, in particular, the women who reassured that feeling ambivalence is normal were views I hadn’t seen reflected anywhere else online but have gone a long way to put me at ease.

Mohit Negi

March 7, 2021 5:11am 5:11 am

Having a child is a decision that comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to be consistent and patient at the same time. You can be prepared but not wholly ready to have babies. There is no rule for parenting that you can think of before experiencing it. I liked the article very much how it describes the experiences of real people. I also have a similar piece of article that talks about the ways to that can help you decide if you’re ready to have babies. You can check the article here –
https://golovehero.com/are-you-ready-to-have-babies/

Yvonne

July 20, 2020 1:59am 1:59 am

I had my son when I was 19. He wasn’t planned, but he was definitely wanted. You see, I had a miscarriage when I was 2.5 months pregnant at school on the second day of my senior year of high school. It was devastating. Emotionally, I felt so alone. So when I found out I was pregnant with Drew, I was elated. I knew he would love me unconditionally and because I was still suffering from my miscarriage, I can honestly say Drew is my saving grace. However, being young and immature, I ended up getting pregnant 1.5 months after having Drew. Jessie was born August 1987 – a month early. So for two and half months, they are the same age. Neither of them were planned, but they are both very loved. We had Matt seven years later and now we are blessed with four grandchildren. In hindsight, I wish I had waited until I finished college, but then again, I was young enough to run around with my babies and not be judged (most people thought I was the older sister or babysitter) and now, I am young enough to be able to enjoy my four grandchildren. There is no right time, but preparation is everything.

Abby Kelley

May 21, 2020 11:34am 11:34 am

I LOVED this article. My husband and I are in our early twenties, have been married for a couple years, I will be starting my career as a nurse in a month and my husband is well into his apprenticeship. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom, was always somewhat proud of my maternal instinct. I’ve been eagerly waiting to try for kids since my wedding night, even though I was still in school. Luckily, my husband is a smart man, and he encouraged me to wait until I was bringing home a nurse’s salary and away from the stress of school. We agreed to start trying in July, with plans to move into our own home in January. I’ve been having increasingly ambivalent feelings the closer we get to “trying time”. Most of the articles I have found focus on “if you like this, don’t have a baby” or “if you don’t think you can handle this, don’t have a baby” and they just sound so judgmental. This article opened my eyes to the self- reflection needed because, each of these stories are unique and so different. Because each of these women are wonderfully unique and different, just like me. So thank you, for giving me something to really think about with this process.

Ali

May 9, 2020 1:23pm 1:23 pm

Thank you for curating these beautiful stories. My husband and I decided to start trying recently. Previous to that decision I felt so ready and excited to go for it. But now that it’s actually happening I am suddenly feeling an overwhelming fear that I’m not making the right decision. It helps so much to get a peak into other women’s experiences. Thank you

Gisell Lagunas

April 22, 2020 1:49am 1:49 am

I’m so grateful that I found this post, as a woman we all feel the need to be a mother at some point but the truth is we are never ready. At least I wasn’t. Many people prepare for the baby’s arrival with diapers, bibs, bottles, wipes and all of the essentials, but no one really knows what it feels like to be a mother until you are one! I found out I was pregnant when I was 18. I was recently out of high school, and I was barely going to start trying to find my way. Having this baby was well desired but the time came to me by surprise! I honestly never thought I was going to be a mother by 19, and I got so many ugly stares and glances. Everyone I knew was basically judging me and not thinking I was able to be a responsible mother. But here we are, 10 months later. I don’t know how my husband and I manage to be both parents and full time working individuals. Its crazy. We never really know when it is a good time to have a baby, and no one is really prepared. All I know is that my baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me, it is true love at first sight. My son means everything to me and even though the timing was not perfect, he surely is.

Reply to Gisell Lagunas

December 6, 2021 11:09pm 11:09 pm

I understand what you’re saying, but no, not all of us have felt the desire to be a mother. I’ve known since 5 years old I don’t want children; I’ve had permanent sterilization surgery at 26 to ensure this.

Skylar

February 9, 2020 10:26am 10:26 am

Thank you so, so much for this post. My husband and I both don’t feel ready to have kids yet and keep thinking maybe in 2-3 years. Maybe by then haha. But I know I want to be a mom someday and that my husband will make such an amazing Dad. Meanwhile I’m surrounded by all my friends from growing up who are now on kid number 3 or 4! It’s just weird how everyone’s life stages are all over the place. Anyways, this was just really nice to read and to relate to people who didn’t have kids right off the bat and who wanted to feel “ready”.

February 6, 2020 4:34pm 4:34 pm

I loved reading this post and the comments as this is something I ponder frequently. I’m still fairly young (25) and both my husband and I always took it for granted that “of course we want kids one day.” Interestingly, many of the friends/acquaintances I’ve made in the past couple years are slightly older and already have multiple children, and it’s actually made me…almost fearful of having kids. All of them love their children dearly and are great mothers, but I have gotten a serious dose of motherhood reality being around them. They all seem constantly overwhelmed and exhausted and urge me to wait to have kids. I think the idea of losing my sense of identity and freedom is paralyzing, yet like Emily, when I picture myself at age 50, kids are part of that vision. I guess we’ll see what the next couple years bring!

Sally

February 6, 2020 11:33am 11:33 am

The decision to have a child seemed easy, almost a “given.” It was the decision to have a second child which was difficult for me. In hindsight, I dreaded the postpartum depression and the feeling of being so alone. The depression had gone undetected, however. We had a second child. My labor was a cause for PTSD then we moved thousands of miles from family (pre-internet). The depression returned with a roar but still went undiagnosed. I think the trajectory of our entire family was changed by postpartum depression and its aftermath.

Jenny

February 6, 2020 10:52am 10:52 am

This will be an unpopular opinion, but I’m actually glad I don’t have kids. I think I knew very early on that I never wanted them, and despite being told all the usual “you’ll change your mind when you’re older” and “it’s different when it’s your own kid”, I never felt differently about it. I did have a few twinges when I first met my husband and fully expected that I would be hit with the maternal urge somewhere in my 30s, but it just never happened.

At the same time, I was privileged enough to bear witness to my siblings’ parenthood journeys, and the exposure to everything parenting entails, warts and all, firmly convinced me that that just wasn’t the path for me. I was also lucky enough to never feel pressured by either my own family or my in-laws, and after the initial Post-wedding enquiries as to whether we were going to start a family, nobody tried to hassle us about it.

The honest truth is that when I asked myself the question of who I’d be having a kid for, the answer was my husband, my MIL, even my siblings so that they’d get to dote on him or her — everyone but me. And given the amount of sacrifices raising a child entails, plus the sheer unending amount of work everyone agrees parenting requires, it just wasn’t a trade off I wanted to make. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but our time here is short and I can’t spend my life living for everyone else but myself.

Hilde

February 6, 2020 9:23am 9:23 am

I always knew I wanted to become a mum. From the age of 12 the desire was strong within me. I wanted a family of my own. Then it took me forever to meet my husband. I was single throughout my twenties and felt miserable about it. Finally, I met the love of my life on Tinder. Four years later we have a two year old and a one year old. So much work, but so worth it. I love being absolutely necessary for Three other human beings.

Julie

February 6, 2020 12:22am 12:22 am

Never wanted a kid. NEVER. ZERO interest. My childhood was not ideal. I equated childhood with misery. I didn’t like being a kid. I didn’t like kids. Did not want to mess up a kid. My grandparents raised me mostly. I was very hands-on as each declined in health and died. Sitting beside my Granny on her near-deathbed, the phrase “The golden cord is about to be cut,” kept ringing in my mind. Unconditional love was leaving my life. The moment I heard she passed, I shocked myself by blurting out “I should have had three kids!” (don’t ask me why THREE). But the ship had sailed. I consciously was not “ready” nor interested. But unconsciously I was. 8 months later I was pregnant in my early 40s with no intervention. I honestly thought it was early menopause when my period stopped. Having my son has been the most healing thing in my life. It also healed relationship with my mother, who I’d barely spoken to for 20 years. My grandma always wanted me to have a baby and to reconcile with my mom. She was a very, very good woman, very religious (Catholic) and very spiritual. I truly believe she made this happen.

A.M.

February 5, 2020 7:40pm 7:40 pm

This is embarrassing, maybe, but totally true: I remember stuffing a small sweatshirt under my shirt to look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see what I would look like with a pregnant belly. This was almost ten years ago, and I realize now how my longing for children needed a physical outlet, a way to somehow try on motherhood in order to make sense of it all. Until then, everything had been theoretical, debating “what ifs” and trying to figure out timing. But alone, in my room, and looking back at my reflection, is when I know it truly became real to me that I wanted to take that next step to motherhood.

Yulia

Reply to A.M.

February 19, 2020 10:31am 10:31 am

This feels like such a beautiful moment. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Kristian Olson

February 5, 2020 4:36pm 4:36 pm

I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes about two months before our marriage. My diabetic educator and doctors all said to wait at least a year before getting pregnant for a lot of health reasons. Once we did want to have kids, it included a timeline to talk to doctors about how tightly controlled my blood sugar levels needed to be and get them there. So… while it was a decision based emotional and logistical needs the same as all couples, there was a lot of health monitoring that went into our decision too, and I know this is true for a lot of people with chronic illness.

Anna

February 5, 2020 10:12am 10:12 am

I don’t understand people HATING children, but I don’t have a problem with people saying they dislike children. Children *are* whole people, but they’re not fully developed people and there are certain commonalities about them: they often have poor impulse control and a different understanding of social norms and boundaries. There are adults who can have these same traits! But no matter how well-behaved or pleasant an individual kid might be, it’s always incumbent on adults to monitor their own behavior, activities, and reactions more than they’d have to in an interaction with another adult. Being with children often means restricting yourself to kid-friendly activities and language. Many kids have much to offer in return for that, but I can understand not wanting to perform that role and therefore disliking the company of children. There’s room to generally dislike kids and not be a jerk about it.

Jenny

Reply to Anna

February 6, 2020 9:45am 9:45 am

This!! You’ve articulated what I was thinking almost down to the letter. Kids have nearly zero impulse control and often behave/say/do things rashly/childishly by virtue of being, well, a child, and some adults might find that hard to deal with. Connecting or even interacting with little kids requires a specific mindset On the adult’s part. Some come by it naturally and others have to work at it, but those who aren’t keen to make that emotional investment shouldn’t be shamed over it. To each their own, I say.

I would add though that perhaps one reason some people don’t like kids — and this is going to open a HUGE can of worms — Is because some parents just aren’t bothered to teach their kids right from wrong and just allow them to literally run roughshod over everything and everyone, and then when/if other ppl try to gently correct their darling offspring, or just highlight the problematic behaviour to the parents, they get super defensive and huffy and offended. I’m not talking about the occasional tantrum or meltdown in supermarkets, I’m talking little hellions who willfully destroy things/torture pets/make other kids cry repeatedly. These are the parents who give others who’re just trying their best a bad name. In these situations it’s often difficult for the child-free adult to be honest about why they don’t like kids — they can’t very well say they just don’t like THOSE kids coz they’re bratty without ending the relationship — so they may just default to saying they don’t like kids in general, to spare the parents’ feelings.

In my case my dysfunctional upbringing caused me to feel powerless around kids. My parents watched neighbourhood kids until their parents came home from work for a side income, and for some demented reason my dad got it into his head to encourage one of the little girls they were minding to physically assault me. Yes she was a toddler and I was a tween, but my dad encouraged her to pinch or slap me and then insisted that I just sit there and take it and not retaliate, or else he would get in on the action! Eventually I would just get up to leave but being as the house was small, the little brat would just follow me until I managed to shut a door in her face. And if she cried or pitched a fit my dad would yell at me to come out to endure it all over again!! His sick justification was that she was so tiny, how badly could it hurt when she hit me? The answer was maybe not much physically but psychologically it was extremely traumatic, because he insisted on taking away my choice and bodily autonomy. For a long time after that I hated all little kids. I already hated him for his abusiveness but it took me a long time for me to realize that I could and should direct the way I wanted any interaction with little kids to go. But my traumatized inner tween drove me to avoid all kids for a long time after that experience.

All of that to say, maybe cut the people saying they dislike kids some slack. You don’t know what their experience with kids might have been like.

Shannon Mahaney

February 5, 2020 9:54am 9:54 am

Love this post! I’m pregnant with my first child and it took a long time for me to get in the right headspace to decide to have one. I turned 30 last year and that was a turning point for me. I had established my career, been married to my husband for 5 years and we just purchased a home a few years prior. In the fall we decided the time was right. I just felt so good about my decision even when those two little pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test.

Liz

February 5, 2020 9:25am 9:25 am

Just found out that I am expecting twins – so a very timely post indeed! I’m equal parts thrilled and terrified :)

Robin

Reply to Liz

February 5, 2020 4:13pm 4:13 pm

Congratulations! How exciting. Imagine the fun you have in store!

Grace

February 5, 2020 12:40am 12:40 am

Just had to mention I was also raised by Mormons and while it’s true that stereotypically women get married and have babies young, my parents NEVER expect/expected me to get married or have children. My parents definitely never made assumptions for me! Thanks mom and dad! :)

Lindsay Haws

Reply to Grace

February 18, 2020 3:23pm 3:23 pm

same!!

Christine

February 4, 2020 10:00pm 10:00 pm

I’ve always loved kids so much and was SO excited to have them. I married my husband at age 25 but knew that I wanted to wait until I was 30 to start a family. I wanted to travel, finish graduate school, establish myself a little bit career wise, explore my passions, and have time to be young and dumb, if I wanted to. I had my first baby days before my 30th birthday and am so happy that we waited. In a world where tomorrow is never certain, and you’re only young once, I wanted to life a full life before starting a life with kids.

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