Let’s do this! Have a wonderful weekend. xo
Katia Wish is a dreamer, side hustler and divorced mom recording the joys and challenges of parenting. Her first zine is Adventures in Single Mothering. Katia also writes children’s books and teaches illustration at the college level, currently at Massachusetts College of Art and Design. You can follow her on Instagram, if you’d like. Welcome to CoJ, Katia!
P.S. 9 women on their divorces, and you’re doing a great job.
My parents separated when I was 20 and divorced when I was 22, so my experience as a “child of divorce” was so different than my friends whose parents split when they were young. My mother has been very candid with me about how impossible that situation was, I wish I could go back in time and be there for her instead of being the brokenhearted and depressed college student who couldn’t handle her family splitting up.
It’s lovely reading about people who are able to co-parent respectfully and with the kids’ welfare as the top priority. My father was incapable of it and completely failed my little brother, who was 12 at the time. None of us speak to him now.
As a fellow adult child of divorce, I just want to say I see you. I can only speak from my own experience, but I honestly think it can be harder in many ways as an adult when your parents split up because, as you said, it feels like your whole family splitting up (or in my case, falling apart and scattering to the wind). It’s never easy, no matter how old you are, and I think adult children of divorce often get left out of the conversation.
Joanna, would you consider writing a post about your experience as a child going through a divorce? It would be so helpful for those of us facing this situation, only hearing how awful it is for the children. Thank you for considering it.
Second this. Would also love to hear from your lovely, thoughtful mom, whose perspective I always treasure.
yes!!! will get to work on this.
Just to add in my own experience. I was a child whose parents stayed together when they should not have. I witnessed unhealthy behavior patterns that I then repeated in my own adult relationships that didn’t serve me. I am now separated from someone that I should never have married, but I try to be kind to myself and think, I made that decision with the information I had about myself at the time. That marriage was not successful for many reasons, and now at 42, I am separated and co-parenting two kids. It is hard, my ex is an extremely challenging person to coparent with and I often feel alone in parenting. It is hard for my kids to go back and forth, but I have to believe that the fact that in my home they have a happy parent who models respect, kindness and healthy communication for them will offset everything else at the end of the day. I think if I had stayed in the marriage and home where the relationship was super unhealthy and their mom was not her authentic self in the end it would have been worse for them. I am privileged to have had a job to support myself and the kids and that made it so much easier to separate. Also a big extended family to help support us as well. I think that everybody’s situation is different and there are so many variables that go into making these decisions that we could all extend some kindness and grace to each other. Every family makes the best decision for themselves and there are many formations of family that don’t involve two parent homes and that is ok.
I don’t mean this to sound harsh, I am genuinely curious… Do people not think about these possible scenarios before having children? Some people must, as the birth rate in many countries is declining, for a multitude of reasons, but when I read most of the content related to parenting (not just on CoJ) it sounds like people didn’t expect parenting to be so hard, or never considered that they might get a divorce. I am a child of divorce (5 total if you count both of my parents!) and thought a lot about having children and ultimately decided not to. Not just because of my childhood, also climate change, the economy, healthcare, the list goes on. I now find myself a step parent in a pretty awful co-parenting situation, to the point that I physically stay in a different location most of the times when my husband has his son. I also have 2 dogs, and love them dearly, but can’t compare them to a child. They are SO MUCH EASIER. I agree that we need more content about divorce/coparenting/parenting, etc. Many people seem to wear rose colored glasses about wanting to have babies and gloss over the ins and outs of the next 20 years of their lives, not to mention the entire lives of the humans they are choosing to create. I love my parents and I know they love me, but I also think they made a lot of selfish choices and called me things like “mature”, “responsible”, “well adjusted”, etc. to make themselves feel better or have less guilt. Thankfully there was no abuse in my situation, but as an empath and sensitive human overall I certainly wasn’t resilient. I dealt with it because I had no other option and got my own apartment at 19 (as soon as was financially possible for me).
Courtney, while I know everyone is different, I think a lot of people do think it will be hard, but then the reality is so much harder than they imagined. I’m guessing some of this is that it’s hard to accurately predict how you’ll handle something you’ve never done… AND, not for nothing, but the timespan a lot of people spend raising their kids is the onset of middle age, which I personally think is a very hard time of life that a younger person can’t see coming. So there’s two hardships that a person doesn’t really know how to anticipate happening at once.
Courtney, I really don’t mean to come off as rude, but couldn’t you say the same thing for yourself? You say you thought long and hard about having kids, but then you married (or are dating?) a man with partial custody of his son. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it doesn’t say great things to me that you supposedly went into this situation with eyes open but are now making it a point to avoid the child who did nothing to ask for this. Is it possible that things were harder than you expected, even if you thought you knew what you were getting into? Perhaps it’s like that for other women, too.
+1 to Micha’s comment below, and:
While trying to be sensitive not to dump on you, this comment/curiosity hurt a bit. I am both a single mom and now a stepmom and it’s difficult but I don’t want a medal or to complain, I just WANT TO BE SEEN! The way to shepherd our kids through this is to do the hard work, and I am. But it’s nice to have a place to vent and share and be represented. That rose-colored glasses view comes from sites that ONLY show the picture perfect side.
Secondly, just because something may be hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. Earning a graduate degrees, training for a marathon, and caring for an elderly parent is hard, but we celebrate people who take that on. Why the judgment on parents? I think society has this all backwards. Having a child isn’t selfish, you’re not (or shouldn’t be) having a child just for yourself. You’re contributing to society and continuing the species!! I’m raising and co-raising 3 girls. I fully respect people that choose not to have kids. I think more people should intentionally decide if they want to raise a human, because not every is equipped for it. And sometimes to those people I want to say “You’re welcome. You’re welcome that I’m one of the people taking this on so you don’t have to and yet there will still be humans around when you’re older (well, maybe, because of climate change, etc.).”
Thank you for this post!! As a new-ish stepmom, I’d love to see more positive co-parenting content!
Yes please!!! I’m a stepmom and turned to Cup of Jo last year when I was struggling. I was so happy to see the “On Being a Stepmom” post, but as I read the comments, expecting the kind and compassionate corner of the internet they usually provide, I was so disappointed to find comment after comment about how terrible a reader’s own stepmother was. Is there no place where stepmothers are not evil and self-centered? I just returned to that post and see more recent comments are supportive, and would love a new post on positive co-parenting.
We clearly need a new article/comment discussion about coparenting, healthy divorce, staying vs leaving “for the kids” and what that means to different people, etc. The people have things to say!
thank you for featuring a single mom. I can so relate :)
Glennon did a podcast recently about things to leave behind in 2022, and so many of them were related to this idea of taking on less of the household burden. I know the cultural pull is strong, but there are things we can do: one brilliant idea they had was to stop being the problem solver when a spouse or child reports a problem to you- “I can’t find my shoes/what’s for dinner/something’s wrong with the car” – take a minute and think about your response: do you take it on? Or do you say something like “yikes…what should we do?” Or “mmmkay can you take that on I’m working on x”
I’ll never forget a trip I took with some girlfriends when our kids were little- on the plane, my friend’s husband called because there was some problem and she talked him through the entire solution. Then she complained about how she has to do everything. Girl- put your phone (or yourself!) on airplane mode. Encourage them to try to solve it themselves, assume competence, thank or praise them when they do. Bonus- you’re letting your kids and spouse be better problem solvers!
Is it possible to reply to replies? I’d like to point out to Becca it wasn’t meant as an attack against her :-) but i have met people who are pretty insistent that having a dog is on par with having a child. I can’t negate the sentiment of loving one’s pet wholeheartedly, but I still have an involuntarily, “wait, what? no” reaction and now I’ve put my finger on why that is.
This is so refreshing! Thanks for sharing
It sounds hard to be the kid in these situations, and constantly switching back and forth between homes. I wonder if it’s possible for the child/children to remain in one location, and the parents to be the ones doing the switching. I know a divorced couple that bought houses right next to each and it seemed like a good arrangement for the kids.
My parents were divorced, and you fall into a rhythm similar to the rhythm of going to school every day. You know the schedule, both homes feel like home to you, you feel very loved. That was my experience at least!
I’m a married parent and grew up with married parents so I understand seeing that family form as the most secure and comfortable. I am also a long time teacher. I have had students who had one home,two homes, three homes, grandparents as caretakers, aunties, one parent, an older sibling as a caretaker…Families take so very many forms and helping children feel safe, secure, and loved can be achieved in many different ways.
Thank you Joanna! My daughter is only 2, so she’ll never know differently, but I’m always worried that we’re ruining her childhood somehow. Your comment gives me so much hope.
I grew up with divorced parents and the constant switching back and forth and honestly, it was hard! I felt like we spent so much time in the car, I was always accidentally leaving something at the other house, and the place where I didn’t spend as much time thanks to the custody arrangements never felt as much like my “home” as the other place (even with parents who loved us fiercely and were doing their best). I feel like the “bird’s nest” model seems to be getting more popular – I know a family who does this and it seems to be working well – and I wish my family could have done it growing up (but I know it brings its own real challenges for the parents).
My parents divorced when I was 8 and I’ve never felt as if I’d come from a broken home. Both parents made an effort to live near one another and have always gotten along and supported one another. Also, always spoke positively about one another which I believe had a huge impact.
+1 to Chris and Sam. As a life-long dog owner (and parent of two humans), I agree. Outside of love and, I guess, the need to be responsible, there’s really no comparison here…and I also found it off-putting.
Just saying a friendly “Hi, I see you!” to all the other co-parenting moms and dads out there. I have found that a rather tricky and often painful aspect of co-parenting is navigating the assumptions about it that are made by well-meaning people who have no first-hand experience of what it’s actually like.
Many such assumptions are on display in the comments here: I see comments assuming that co-parenting commodifies kids, that it would be worse for a child than growing up watching a miserable/abusive marriage, that it’s like sharing a dog with your ex, that it’s what you are doing if your spouse takes your kid skiing one weekend. Wow, that’s quite a lot of … to be kind I’ll phrase it as “being poorly informed” … on display.
Again, other parents in this odd club, I see you. I am taking deeeeeep breaths in solidarity with you, high-fiving you in spirit about the times things go well and sending you a few extra hugs to store up for the hard days.
Thank you
I do apologize if mentioning that I was looking forward to a weekend to myself while my family goes skiing was insensitive. It was meant to be light-hearted in response to the comic about a mom having some time to do what she wants. Something many of us, married or not, wish we could do more of.
But also please don’t write about people having the wrong assumptions by making… assumptions. I am the product of divorce and know very well the struggles and nuance of co-parenting.
This is a lovely heartfelt comic. Everyone finds their best way through. Not all ways are the same x
I’m so happy to see Katia’s work here!
Our culture is so #$@#ed that mothers need to be divorced to have any real semblance of themselves. As a woman with with an intense kid AND an intense dog, the reality we’ve collectively created makes me want to scream. Our parents had so much more freedom as parents and professionals. We’ve all heard the stat that working women now spend 1:1 more time with their kids than SAHMs did with kids in our era. My partner and I are muscling through until he sells his business and hope we don’t crack before then, but as with every hetero relationship I know, I do more with our house, kid and dog than he does.
All the divorced mothers I know are happier because they have a life. Are the kids happier? We’ll never know.
That sounds so hard, Jules. Maybe you can send your partner videos from @thatdarnchat on IG, or get a copy of Fair Play. Both have helped friends of mine who are THIS CLOSE to losing their minds – like, genuinely – because they carry the burden of the shared domestic sphere.
this isn’t the case all around, though. i am a mother of two young kids (3 and 6) and have always had a life outside of being a mom. my husband and i have a partnership where things are truly equitable. i have evenings to go to happy hours with friends, i get my workouts in daily which is important to me, i read lots of books, go on girls trips with friends…and my close friendships have the same partnerships where things are equal for the large majority of the time.
Jules, I hear you! In almost every couple I know, the wife does SO MUCH MORE labor in almost every way (physical, emotional, mental load, childcare, career, social planning, etc) — and these are smart dynamic feminists with loving husbands. It’s just so expected in the culture in so many ways — even well-meaning men and women grow up with it and internalize it themselves, and then society consistently supports it (like when the school and doctor always call the mom first; or the mom gets the weird look when the kid doesn’t bring a gift to the birthday party; or the dad gets multiple accolades from strangers when grocery shopping with the kid while the mom gets ignored; etc.) I could go on and on. It is a HUGE problem. Happy for those who don’t feel it personally but it feels so pervasive to me!
ABN – I’m speaking also from a feminist perspective and a cultural perspective not just my tiny little bubble. I still see friends, do a few “girls” trips a year, nights out, etc. I am also a co-founder in a fast-growing startup. Yet I still look around and think our culture is stacked against women and mothers.
That includes current parenting culture, work culture and “you’re on your own” culture that has made it very difficult for all parents but particularly mothers to have the freedom they once had unless they have family within drop in distance or a lot of help.
I’m probably older than you so I remember a time when parents and children had more freedom as well as broader community ties.
Happy for you though.
I was just, you know – being vulnerable.
Happy for you
I’m in the same/similar situation as ABN where I have two young children and am married – my husband and I truly split responsibilities 50/50. This is an honest question, not a jab, okay? Why isn’t this a conversation you’re having with your partner or spouse? I think (could be wrong) ABN was saying like, this isn’t the case all around so perhaps it’s possible in your household, too? It’s a no-brainer in our house that things are evenly split, we went into marriage and having children with the understanding that these are OUR kids and we both put in the same amount of effort physically, emotionally, etc. It was a very distinct conversation, but I don’t think it’s too late?!
Jules, I agree with you and I’ve thought about this a lot. I think what we’re seeing for a lot of families is the effects of the broadening wealth gap. Apparently the middle class was its largest in the 1950s, and has been shrinking since, and along with that many families are either feeling the pressures of being pushed to a lower class position than they grew up in or are feeling the pressure of desperately trying to move up in social position during this broadening time.
For my husband and I, it has been really tough. He works so much harder than his parents did, I work so much harder than my parents did. We love our children very much and are doing our best for them, and yet I am always doing more, all the time, and over time, this wears me down.
Our solution has been to spend as much as we can on extra childcare, just to muscle through. Kudos to you for keeping the dog!
I’m married to my baby-daddy but he’s taking our son skiing this weekend and I could not be more thrilled to have the weekend to myself!
Love this! We do week on / week off and it I am so grateful for the different rhythms.
I have been co-parenting for 3 years, and honestly I think it might be the best form of parenting. I have my six-year-old son one week on/one wee off, and the “on” weeks I find I can be my best possible parent – patient, easy going, fun – because on the “off” weeks I can fully recharge and do the things I need and want to for myself. It’s also creates a near-equitable division of labour between my son’s father and me, which feels nearly impossible is a typically-gendered parenting relationship. I guess I’d be hard-pressed to say it’s actually better than a standard nuclear family set up… but I definitely think it’s its own form of great. For anyone who is hesitating on a divorce or separation because of what it will mean to only parent half-time, I’m here to tell you: go for it! It can be great on the other side.
I wish that this comment made me feel better. It sounds like you and your former partner likely remain aligned on parenting and/or your communication hasn’t totally disintegrated. I’m hesitating, not only because of the irreplaceable lost time, but because I’m fearful of what their time without me would be like. I wish that people with thornier coparenting relationships were more open about it, but I understand why they’re (usually) not.
Anon — sending you love and grace for a difficult time. Everyone’s situation is different and it can be isolating to feel like other people have it “figured out.” But know that there are others out there dealing with thorny, trying, difficult situations, even if they’re hesitant to be open about it. You sound like a thoughtful person and I am sure you are a great parent and will get through this tough time with resilience. <3
Maryann -thank you for the encouraging perspective :)
Hey Anon – I would love to connect with you about this. My ex was emotionally abusive and I worried a lot about what my son’s experience without me would be. My therapist helped me understand that children and resilient and that one happy, well-functioning parent was better than two stuck in discord. I still worry, at times, about how my ex is parenting, but I confront that concern head-on with my son by making sure he understands what love and support look like so that he can manage any additional stress in his father’s home. Every situation is so different, so maybe this still won’t apply to you… but even my situation is probably thornier than I made out. :-)
Hey anon.. coming at this from a different perspective as a bonus loving adult to my partner’s son who we only see every other weekend. Probably one of the thorniest co-parenting situations I know of (in that.. it’s not co-parenting at all, it’s parallel parenting taken to the extreme and probably veering into parental alienation). But we love kiddo and we do our best with the time we have. All to say I also often feel extremely alone and alienated and wondering if other people struggle too – you’re not alone!
YES! I was so scared of leaving my failed marriage because I was afraid I’d lose half of my daughter’s childhood. But it’s not like that at all! – On mom-days I pick her up at 3, and do no more work the rest of the day (usually). On dad-days, I work late, go out with friends, date, go to the gym, go to talks and events and generally become a better, more interesting human. I swear my time with her has not dropped, and the time I do have with her is SO JOYFUL and present. It wasn’t like that when we were all in one house.
Would her life be easier in a happy nuclear family? Yes. Was that an option available to her? No.
(Do I worry about her when she is with her dad? Yes. Did I worry about her relationship with her dad – and the relationship I was modeling for her – when we were married? Yes.)
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/08/opinion/married-divorce-parent.html
So very moved by the comments here, thank you. Maryann – your situation holds echoes of mine, and I’m especially grateful for your response. I have wonderful family and friends, but I have found the search for a therapist to be difficult and I’ve struggled to find first person narratives (online, books) that really speak to me. I’ve come to feel that marriage (troubled especially, troubled with very small children x2) is something we just don’t really talk about with much honesty or nuance, which makes your candor (and that of the others on this thread) all the more precious. True and heartfelt thanks 💗
Anon – I am right there with you. Scared to death to not live with my kids. One of my kids has special needs and I have very little support in the home from his dad. What I want most of all is help not separation but it feels like no one else understands because we live in this culture where schlepping kids back and forth has been normalized (no judgement to those for whom this works, just please don’t normalize it for those of us who struggle with such decisions). On top of it, my body and my soul went through so much to have my kids (including lots of miscarriages) and having to give them up for part of the time feels dishonoring to my struggle. Would love more stories like mine and advice.
Anon and anonotoo,
For a different perspective, I’ll add mine. I left an extremely emotionally abusive situation where I thought the kids were both experiencing some emotional abuse and witnessing things that normalized dysfunctional relationship and misogynist treatment of women/non-binary people. I thought leaving would be terribly hard, dreaded the missed time with my children that is already so scant and precious in life, and worried about their experience in a new family formation and my ability to protect them. Still, I thought the arrangement would be for the better.
Now, 6 months into the separation and coparenting with my former abuser (there was no recourse for trying for full custody), and if given the chance to do it all over again, I would never leave. I would endure years of emotional abuse and learn to “manage” him and the situation better, understanding the tradeoffs and sadness in that (and I’ve already experienced cancer and other health effects that I believe are related in some way to years of that relationship’s effects on the body). The grief at losing that time with my children and having to send them to stay with someone I don’t trust, as well as the retraumatizing nature of coparenting with my former abuser, feel like the culmination of the worst decisions of my life. I knew how to endure the situation there, and at least I could be with my kids and have my intact family, with all its flaws. I’m making the best of the time when I don’t see them, fortifying my friendships, doing self care, getting stuff done around the house and to prepare to be present and in the moment when I do see them, but I also feel like *no one* talks about this kind of regret and instead we have the most exposure to things like the comments here saying it’s the best arrangement possible, or the recent NY Times article saying 50/50 parenting is better for mothers and is actually the arrangement that can support more even division of labor and all their dreams and time to work on themselves and have a social life, etc. I would give so much to be able to go back in time and make a different choice, emotional (and at times bordering on physical) abuse and all. I would learn more, protect my kids as best I could, and mediate the rage of their narcissistic abusive dad. I think it could have been ok, whereas this separation and all the fallout is anything but (and I don’t actually think it’s better for them either, even though my older child, in a moment of trying to soothe my regrets – which I never want him to have to feel or emotionally caretake but which he picked up on anyway – said I should have left sooner and his dad would have kept hurting me). My kids are a tween and a toddler (in case that gives you a sense related to your situations) and the more scant time with both of them and especially the littler one haunts me and wakes me up with hypervigilance and wells of longing and sadness in the middle of the night. I would suggest seeking professional support to make the decision if you haven’t already, and considering whether the awful calculus of staying until the kids are older (I would have tried staying until the youngest graduated high school – 17 years from now – even with all the potential consequences and loss of my chance to have a healthy romantic relationship and partnership in my lifetime) might be something that, however common and however discouraged for women selling out their lives, you might want to consider. Again, if I had known the realities of this life, even with the added meal prep time and exercise time and hanging out with my friends time and making art on my own time and travel and hot baths etc etc – I would never pick this again. It really depends on your situation though, what you can tolerate, and how prickly or abusive things are. If I had stayed and had a cancer recurrence or metastasis, would I have wondered if it was related to enduring toxic relationship, familial, and home conditions? Probably.
Lena: This comment hurts me on such a deep level. I wish there was legal recourse and protection for you and your children. My advice to others; consult an attorney. Would you have full custody? If no or unknown, be careful. I have heard this before: “My partner is abusive/unstable (to me) but they are such as good parent!!!” Even if this were true, if, for example, being in a relationship with someone brings out the abusive side of this person and they are truly not abusive as a parent then what happens when the unstable/abusive person gets in another relationship? Your child will see that side come out all over again. It’s certainly something to consider. You may be better off being an estranged spouse than a divorced one.
@Lena, I’m saying this with kindness, as someone who was in your kids’ boat when I was younger – even if it feels like the wrong choice for you, do you think that it could be the right choice for them? In my experience, even though we still had forced contact, there were upsides – we didn’t have to see or hear our parent being abused (the kids generally do know), we did get a break from the unpredictable moods of one parent, and we did get to see what healthy interpersonal relationships looked like. Hope that you can give yourself grace with this choice. It sounds like an impossibly hard decision, but that you chose it based upon what you thought would be best for your kids and yourself.
Lena – thank you for sharing your story. It solidifies the fact that these situations are highly personal – there are no two alike. And that’s why I don’t like these absolutist statements that it’s the best for kids or the woman etc. My ex reads things like this and justifies his actions with those arguments. In our case, there was no abuse and no fighting – he had an affair and wanted his life to be different. But enough about me. I came back to say that as a mom of a tween and a toddler also, my heart broke as I read your story. Revel in your strength! I’m confident it will pay off.
@Bri your comment is really kind—thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that it works out better for them, but right now I’m not sure. My older child dreads going to the other house, but is too scared to tell his dad that and when I mention it or ask that a third party mediate the situation so that my child can express preferences without pressure or feeling put in impossible positions between his parents, his dad refuses to consider it and says the kids are being turned against him. All the same, their dad seems to have settled down his outbursts and tendencies for the moment, is rushing to introduce a stepparent already, and they may just end up being exposed to another unhealthy relationship very soon if he continues his patterns. If he doesn’t, why couldn’t we have all just stayed together? I’m just not convinced this is a more stable or healthy arrangement for them, though I very much appreciate the upsides you listed and hope with all my heart those can come to be true and support their well being in this situation. I’d love to ask more about your experience, though not sure it’s my place. Thank you so much again.
I’ll also add per Anon’s comment that the coparenting situation has been so fraught it is it’s own kind of hell (though top priority for me is cloaking that from the kids so they never feel caught between or like they have to choose loyalties in any way). Lying, poor and risky choices related to the kids, inconsistent communication, and total denial of the abuse history and trauma that caused for everyone that is still playing out in the kids’ mental health issues that I am finding them support for. I felt I could mediate the kids’ exposure to their dad’s aggressive moments much more when I was there, and never know when those may show up again.
As a former “resilient kid”, I’d like to formally ask adults to stop saying, “kids are resilient.”
Kids are resilient because they have to be to stay alive, and because they’re new to life and don’t know any better. It doesn’t mean there won’t be long-term damage and lasting consequences due to being subjected to abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, neglect, or any other kind).
My mother left my father because he had addiction issues and was abusive to her. She assumed that he would neither use drugs in our presence, nor abuse us himself–she was wrong on both counts. As young kids, my sister and I assumed that our mom must be okay with the way dad was with us, because she let us go stay with him; she assumed we’d tell her if anything was “wrong”.
We didn’t–partly because we didn’t know any better, but also partly because we loved and were loyal to our dad, despite how awful things were (and we didn’t want to get dad “in trouble”).
Anyone who leaves an abusive partner: please keep an extra close watch on your kids if they still spend time with your abusive ex. Don’t dismiss any out of character behavioral changes, don’t be afraid to ask hard question, and DON’T be afraid to get them into therapy. I wish my sister and I had been given that kind of consideration.
@Lisa Rubisch hugs to you. As a teacher, I agree. Kids are resilient but that resilience can’t last forever and the circumstances will catch up.
Wow! I never knew how much I needed this thread. Anon, Lena, Lisa – you guys rock-thank you for sharing. Lena, especially. I am in a long marriage with a highly disturbed person (don’t want to use the term narcissist, I actually think he is super scarred from sever childhood neglect) but our marriage is just non existent and really awful and there is ton of emotional abuse and I walk on eggshells constantly and I dream of separation and what it would look like and the idea of not being there for the kids is cutting me in half and makes me breathless and unable to sleep. I too had cancers and I 100% believe they were related to my complete and constant anxiety and broken nervous system.
HE IS A GREAT DAD. he is an amazing dad.
and so I keep going.
it is the hardest, most lonely journey I have been on.
I have 10 more years before kids leave the house.
I pray to God and I am not religious, to give me strength everyday.
I hate articles that gloss over everything and make these wide sweeping statement how kids are resilient, or that 50/50 is great b/c of bubble bath time for the mom. It only works for the people who it works for. It is rarely the case how wonderful 50/50 is for all parties involved, especially the kids.
OMG haha this really hits. I don’t usually get weekends without my kid, but her dad is taking her this weekend and my list goes something like: clean oven, clean fish tank, grocery store, workout, call Dad, laundry, new Pamela Anderson doc, finish my 4 books, replace curtains in laundry room… somehow dating has not appeared on this list in a while. I feel ok with it. ha! Happy Weekend everyone!
Awesome
Comic!!!
I LOVE your book Jet the Cat (Is Not a Cat)
I’m co-parenting a dog with my ex. So not quite a child in most people’s eyes, but she’s a baby to us.
He has her 1 day a week when I have to go into the office and the occasional weekend night. On nights when she’s gone I go from feeling free (I can take a bath in peace! Try on clothes without her chewing on my sweaters! Mop the floor without her barking!) to feeling lonely (where’s my little shadow? I miss my cuddle buddy! Who’s going to share this turkey sandwich with me?)
Oh my god Becca, I so relate to this all you’re describing. Co-parenting two dogs with my ex husband
I think one of the reasons parents to children find the parallel hard to swallow is because of the use parenting. I used to own a dog and I fully appreciate the commitment of walking it, taking care of it, the expense of it (by it I mean the endeavour, not referring to the dog as it) and the care and absolutely immense love that goes into it. But now that I have a child, I can’t look back on when we had a dog and recall myself ever referring to it as parenting. Dogs can be such important members of our family, but my theory as to why parents have a knee jerk reaction to the comparison is that the stressor are just not the same. As much as I adored my dog, I didn’t lie awake wondering if I’d said the right thing to her in a certain situation. Or if I was setting the right example. Whether I should see a child psychiatrist because she’s not eating. Whether I need to talk to my mother-in-law about the problematic language she uses concerning diet culture in front of the kids. Whether I need to get better fitting gloves, whether I should contact the mother of the child who stole my kids lunchbox…the list is relentless. And we live our kids to the moon and back, but I think it’s the sheer all encompassing nature of parenting that makes the comparison feel a little bit…what’s the word…insensitive. I’m fully aware the intention to be insensitive is never there, but that’s how I sometimes receive it. Not because we doubt you can love your dog just as intensely. Sure, loving your child is a unique experience, but loving a dog is also an equally valid experience and I’ve realised it’s not really about that line of comparison, it’s the other…stuff. Sorry, I had the realisation in the moment and felt the urge to share. Not trying to step on anyone’s toes! I loved my dog with all my heart too!
Gonna have to agree with Chris here. I (really) love my pet, but I’m not parenting my cat….unless I’m also parenting my houseplants, every child I volunteer at my kid’s school with, the hummingbirds in my yard whose feeder I carefully fill, and also my car, which needs some gentle talking to during a difficult merge or when I haven’t done an oil change in a while. To be 100% honest, the idea that caring for a pet is equal to parenting an alive human child is….borderline alarming to me.
yes, chris! yes.
Definitely just meant this as a light hearted joke. The comic made me think of the weekends away from my dog as a newly divorced person. I do not thinking parenting a child is the same as having a dog. Just thought it was funny!
@Becca I could tell it was lighthearted, for sure. In no way did you make a statement comparing raising a child and owning a dog. Let’s all take a breath, people!
Sending you and your dog lots of love <3 <3 <3.
@Chris- agreed! And i think another key issue is that until they’re older, kids can’t stay at home by themselves. If you have a dog at home, and friends invite you for dinner, you can just decide to go. But with kids, coordinating childcare is a process, even if it’s just confirming that your partner will be back on time for when you need to leave. With children, you have to coordinate your grown-up life (gym, social, or events) around their care, in a way you don’t usually have to for your dog. For a trip, yes. But with kids, the childcare coverage is a step in so many decisions.
That’s what I would pick last too! Viva la BodyPump!
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