Toby’s Genius Way of Making Friends

My husband and I are empty nesters. Once the lady kid was done with college, we downsized and built a much smaller house in a new community. Everyone has been very welcoming and we get together with neighbors frequently. Every Friday afternoon we have “ Yappy Hour” usually at our house as we have the biggest yard for the dogs to run around. Everyone brings their pups, sometimes we have a baby pool set up, a ball or two or three is always being tossed around. We have chairs set up under the trees and it always seems that an appetizer or two always appears…grilled wings, chips and salsa, bruschetta, etc. Sometimes, it carries over to dinner at someone’s house. It’s always casual, a great way relax, unwind and catch up with friends after a long week

Great tips Toby! I am gonna be the one who says that hoummus is not greek. :)

Now I’m by the phone ☎️ waiting for the text from Toby.

your kid is amazing!!! we all need to be a bit more like Toby. i love this so much.

One of our neighbors tells everyone on the street that when the twinkle lights are on in their side yard, anyone is welcome to hang out and have a drink! They are typically out every Friday night fall through spring (we live in Florida so outdoor-living seasons are opposite ha). It’s been the best way to get to know our neighbors!!

This is the sweetest read I’ve read so far this week! I love it! I’m going to take a few of Toby’s tips. I’m sure my husband Stephen will go bananas at first but then he’ll just get used to it!

Heah hear! My husband and I moved to a townhouse complex specifically because the design and orientation of the homes encouraged community. Many, many people have told us that it wouldn’t work for them as they seek more isolation and privacy, but it was the primary selling feature for us and for our neighbours, too – obviously a self-selecting group! We now have an open door (and in the summer, literally an open door) policy. We often find neighbourhood kids, dogs, and cats in our house. When we blow up the kiddie pool, families spill out of their houses to join – the kids splash while the adults soak our feet and have a drink. We are often outside playing with neighbours -toting breakfast in hand- before 8am. It is the most magical place, especially for raising kids “in a village.” We just love it. And the key, as Toby points out, it to be frequent and chill. Walking by while we cook pizza on the bbq? Have a slice. Visit for 20 minutes, no big deal. Frequency enables chill.

Any suggestions for empty nesters- our social group has devolved over the years ( school friends create an instant social group for parents sometimes, and since we got very busy with our high schoolers who are now in college, we see…no one). My husband and I are introverted, enjoy each other so much, but would love to mix it up a bit OCCASIONALLY with friend outings/get togethers. Suggestions welcome!

Once, in the 4th grade during recess, I told all the kids in my class that their parents had agreed to let them all come over to my house after school (this was a lie, but I really just wanted to hang out and did what I needed to do to make it happen). At the end of the day, 20 or so kids piled onto a schoolbus and all got off at the same stop- my stop. This was the early 90’s and my parents were very adamant about my independence, so I was letting myself into the house alone after school to do my homework while they were at work. I still have a vivid visual of my mom pulling into our driveway around 5:30pm and seeing 20 kids in dress up clothes, some riding around on rollerskates, others eating snacks, some climbing up the trees in my yard. It was, in all senses of the word, complete and utter chaos. My poor mom had to personally call everyone’s parents to let them know that they had all somehow ended up at my house and were not, in fact, missing or kidnapped. I still think this was one of the best ideas I’ve ever had and would love to re-create it someday.

I love this so much! I am Team Toby on this one. As a kid, I grew up on the most magical street where we all were in and out of each other’s homes and our block was really an extension of our family. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to recreate that. Every time I get wanderlust or want to pack up and move somewhere new, I think, we can’t give this all up. We live within walking distance of our most favorite humans and we all have an open door policy, and a drop-kids-off-anytime policy and a don’t-you-dare-clean-up-for-me policy. The best, most magical nights are those when we text at like 5pm and say “what’s happening tonight?” and we all gather and order food or whip something up and stay up late and wander home in the dark. I hope my kids grow up and feel like their childhood was magic. It feels like magic to me.

Over the last 8 years we developed a family friendship with an expat family from Barcelona. They opened our eyes to friendship, hosting, and expectations, etc. They literally never put an start or end time to weekend plans. Catalonians definitely know how to is have a good time, and 90% of the time it’s about lowering expectations and being open to new experiences. They just moved back to Barcelona and our life already feels emptier and quieter. They made made our lives infinitely better by sharing themselves with us!

Once we were trying (and failing) to make plans with some friends who were very busy with a toddler and a new baby on the way. After lots of texting back and forth where they mentioned heading to Costco I said, “Hey we need to go to Costco too. Wanna meet at Costco?”. They thought I was kidding but we ended up all meeting at Costco, shopping together and then eating soft serve in the parking lot. My friend said “I thought this was a weird suggestion but it was really fun”. I think when you are younger you’ll do anything with your friends- return a shirt to Target, go to the bank , pick up groceries-just to be together. I love having lower stakes, low planning hang outs even if I am now much older.

I am taking LOTS of notes. I want to be a theme-haver. Love, Toby!

i would sign up for the neurotransmitter cocktail or genetic modification needed to give me this toby level of friend confidence. wow.

Okay but – when are people cleaning their houses if not frantically, 30 minutes before guests arrive?

Having people over for wine & pizza or is my favorite! So casual and easy. I’ve even embraced paper plates. I’m a single mom to a toddler and this lets me host get togethers without any pressure. I buy the “fancy” ice cream sandwiches for dessert (which are always a hit!). It’s great! 0 cooking. 0 cleanup.

Go Toby! Also. How the eff is he 12?! I still can’t believe it. He seems like such a great kid, Jo! Both of yours do.

A few years ago a friend group happened to get together three Thursday’s in a row. We loved seeing each other so regularly we created “Thursday supper club.” It was a potluck dinner, mostly hosted at one house, VERY casual. There were about 15 people on the group text so the size of the gathering would really range week to week. There was no pressure if you were busy at work, or under the weather. It was SO fun to see your friends every week and really bonded us. Now we have kids and life is more complicated but we love to get together and share a meal and a laugh. I look back on the Thursday Supper Club times so fondly and would love to get the tradition back when all the babies are older. Maybe Sunday lunch club or something??

OMG the one time I, as a kid, spontaneously invited a friend back to my house to play after school I got in SO MUCH TROUBLE this post has really stressed me out, I’m sad for what my childhood wasn’t. Because we can feel more than one thing at once, this post also makes me really happy, it’s so cute and I love that Toby’s life is like this :D

I love this, and I’m so that person who loves informally planned, low-key get togethers. But, man I have friends who aren’t up for the spontaneous/are “too busy/too tired” all the time. It sucks when of course that’s true, but I’m just wanting to hang with you on my couch, eating food, occasionally chatting.
Nevertheless, I will persevere!

Family goals right there!! Thanks Toby for these tips!

Two favorite approaches:
1- invite friends to hang out not at your house! Park meet up, concert in the park, bars. No pressure to host and folks are usually free and just needed an instigator.

2- invite everyone we know to our place for a potluck style brunch or happy hour. It’s always a fun mix of folks, motivates us to tidy a little bit, and food is low pressure when everyone is involved.

This makes my heart ache and gives me the next thing to work on in therapy 😅. I was raised in a home where nothing was ever out of place and still feel deep shame when my house doesn’t match that standard. Plus, I’m solo parenting a tween and teen in a teeny tiny house after leaving an abusive marriage. For so long, I avoided having people come in my home because I didn’t want anyone to know what was happening. But now I long for the type of friendships shown here. I’ll keep pressing on to unwind my shame and pain so that I can build this kind of life!

I loved this, thank you. We have just moved to a different town and state (in Australia), so have zero friends near us and we can’t just do the impromptu thing. Would love to see some tips on how to meet new friends from scratch as an adult. Still nervous just to dive in and say hey I barely know you but do you want to have coffee.

I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to having people over and I SOOOO want to be relaxed and less of a freak about it as it definitely gets in my way of inviting people in.

A few weeks back, we unexpectedly had some good friends staying with us for the weekend. They wanted to see some other friends so my hubby invited the other friends (we had met once or twice before but didn’t know well) over for a BBQ to accommodate the friends who were staying with us. He is always saying he wants to entertain in our backyard and I fear I stifle that with my anxiety so he was seizing the opportunity (which was very sweet of him to do that for the friends).

I had some long standing plans for the day of the BBQ that I couldn’t change. It also meant, I wouldn’t be home at all to help with the prep or set up. My hubs does all the cooking so I wasn’t worried about that – but I typically do all the pre-cleaning and set-up. Our house guests kindly offered to help (which they did in spades). I had no choice but to completely put faith in hubs and friends that they would take care of things. I have to admit, it was a bit freeing to know there wasn’t much I could do in advance and whatever happened, happened.

By the time I got home, the table was set, the apps were out, everything was pretty much under control. My friend brought me a delicious margarita and I could just join in the conversations.

While there were a few things I may have done differently and I heard that my sense of “organization” varied from my friends (as they were digging through cupboards and drawers to find things), it all worked out great. The extra couple were quite lovely, I wasn’t my normal ball of nerves and it was a very fun bbq.

Need to take away a few lessons from all that!

I LOVE this and I LOVE theme! One time I was helping a friend move and we had a stripes theme, everyone wore stripes and it made it that much more fun and coordinated. I still want to try the toast party I read on COJ. Eat toast and make toasts. #goals!