I Feel Grief Over My Best Friend’s Pregnancy

Just want to say I love all the comments on here, so many of you sharing their joy and heartache when it comes to friends and friendships. Is it just me or do tv shows and movies also make us believe that your one friend in high school will just be there forever and that you’re a failure if you don’t have friends from childhood anymore? It’s not just romantic love that is portrayed rather one dimensionally I feel. Reality is much more complex than depicted in the media but also, and I love the comments in particular that mention this, infinitely more rich and layered as well.

I’m relating to this on so many levels, but where it’s different is that I’m going through fertility treatment and it’s unlikely to work. Last year all five of my girlfriends were pregnant. We are a group of six girls and being the only one without a baby has been so hard. Most of us live in different cities/countries and I feel like the only messages in our group chat are baby related. I love them to bits and I adore babies and kids, but I feel like non of them get me and understand how hard it is to constantly be supportive of them. I feel like I will lose them as friends cause I know I can’t be there for them as much as they can be for each other. I’m trying my hardest to read the advice and understand how it is to have a baby, but I feel conscious of everything I am saying. I’m hoping that adoption won’t take too many years and that they hopefully will be there for me then and I haven’t lost them

This applies also to siblings, I currently feel the same mix of emotions for my brother who is to become a dad in a few months. Our bond is anyway not strong and we are both expats in different countries rarely seeing each other. While I was sincerely happy for him when he told me the big news, I also have this uneasy feeling that he will grow even more apart and use the parenthood as an excuse, maybe unintentionally, not to be there for me emotionally. Thank you for this article, it was eye opening that you labeled this feeling as grief.

As the childless friend, I have come to terms with the fact that like all relationships, my friendships will too shift and reshape. Even though I realize I may have to make a bit more effort to preserve those important bonds now, I’ve vowed to be there for my friends and their children, because these children are extensions of my friends, and I would like to try and create some beautiful memories with them too. I am the living reminder of who my friends were when they were younger and carefree, before they became mothers, I remember what they liked and how charming and precious they were even back then. Despite any changes, they will still need my presence and my sanity as much as I need theirs. The good ones are always worth making effort for.

I so appreciate this post and the comments! I had such a similar feeling when a good friend of mine was about to have her first baby. I had been through a traumatic situation right before the baby was born, and leaned on my friend’s support so much. I was also single and very sad about it, and mourned the loss of my friendship (or at least the change) during most of her pregnancy. But then, I was surprised to find the new normal after baby was not a loss. It was different, but it wasn’t a loss. I folded her laundry and washed her dishes and held her baby while she and her husband took much-needed naps. I showed up at her door over and over and offered (insisted) that I help her, and she let me in when she was embarrassed by the mess of her house and her lack of sleep. What I found out later is that we’d both been secretly scared of the changes. But we also were determined not to make them self-fulfilling prophecies. She told me recently that some other new mom friends were talking about the sadness of feeling isolated and alone after they had kids. She said, “I didn’t feel that, and it was because of you.” Her daughter is two now, and we still work through this rhythm with a busy toddler. Our friendship is even stronger after being through dark places together and holding each other through it. I hope you get to experience this, too!

This hits so close! I remember when my friends started moving away and living their lives I felt kinda lost. It forced me to really come out of my shell and seek other friendships. Even though they’re not a quick ride a way, it’s always like things never changed when we’re together. For that, I am greatful!

Appreciate the vulnerability with this piece.
KWG

My closest friend and I met when we were five. We are now nearing 40 and we call each other “best friend” regardless of how juvenile that sounds. She is my absolute best friend. We only went to school together for a year or two as kids, and despite having different middle, high school and college experiences, we remained close all those years. The drama at school never affected us. We had different social circles. We always celebrated Halloween together until we were in college. We visited each other. We were there, on the phone, just listening. She got married much earlier than I did, and had kids nearly ten years before I had my first. We never judged one another, or feigned to be the expert in anything. When I was pregnant with my first and she her third, she went through the ups and downs of pregnancy with me as if it was her first time, too.

We live in different parts of the US: geographically and culturally. And yet, we call each other all the time, update one another on the little things (what’s for dinner?) and the big things. I would call her my sister but that doesn’t quite describe this kind of friendship and love. I’m so grateful we’ve had one another on this life journey.

Thanks for posting. This one made me cry.

I instantly welled up, what an incredible friendship you share. I am your friend in this situation, and I am also one of the first of my friends to have child. I relish my time with friends even more as they remind me that I am still myself and it is possible to have conversations that aren’t baby related. Also because the friendship is solidfied and strong there is no need to put on a ‘show’ when you are together. In those early days one of my best friends came round, bought me lunch and watched tv with me while baby slept on her for a while and it was so good, and we could quietly catch up.

Wow, this is timely for me. A good friend of mine is currently pregnant and I am struggling with the feeling that she is putting no effort into our friendship at all to the extent that I’m not sure I can still count her as a friend. I don’t expect anything really, no hangouts, gifts, cards, etc. but simply even just the *feeling* that she cares which I don’t currently have. I have a lot more capacity for flexibility when I know emotionally that the bond is strong. When I think about it she’s been pulling away since before she got pregnant so I’m not even sure it’s directly related. But it is difficult to constantly support someone when I feel this level of distance between us. Unfortunately I think that life changes can demonstrate clearly who is able to show up for others and deepen their friendships and relationships regardless of circumstance, and who is not. The first distancing between myself and this friend happened when she got married, and I felt like she really was all-consumed by that and treated me and my own (equally long! and very serious!) relationship with condescension. Meanwhile, I’ve had other friends (with whom I felt less close!) get married with 0 change to the relationship. I guess some friendships will go the distance and others will not.

Loving these comments and the commentary on how the choices me make bring us together or pull us apart.

I feel like this is hitting home as I am currently holding my 2 month old, I am so afraid of my friendships changing. I feel as the first of my close friends to have a baby that I will be the one rejected from them. I feel like I’m working overtime trying to maintain my friendships as if I didn’t have a baby and it makes my experience as a new mom feel invisible. I am afraid that becoming a mother I won’t just lose my identity but my friendships as well.

I am married with no children by choice. All my friendships changed or evaporated when I became the last friend with no kids. I honestly don’t mind because our foundational love for each other is still there. Were I in an emergency, all of them would show up for me and I for them. I have closer friendships now with other people who are also childless. Plus, I don’t understand anything about milestones! It’s sort of embarrassing. Having to ask my mom-friends to explain childrearing to me in an effort to have conversation felt… not great. Life is a wave! Friends come and go. I try to hold space for it all with love and tenderness.

One of my dearest friends, the one whose life has always paralleled mine, decided long ago not to have children. When I was pregnant, We both worried a little that this huge life change would interrupt the serendipity and ease we’ve always had in our friendship, especially since so many of my other friends were pregnant at the same time. Would I find a bond with them I couldn’t with her?

I am sure there are all kinds of answers to that question for different people in different situations, but for us, that friendship has continued to be an anchor precisely because we are in different situations. She was the one I could be honest with about how traumatic my birth experience was without worrying it would scare her about her own. She loves and welcomes my child into her life, but because her life doesn’t revolve around either my kid or her own, she gives me an anchor and reminder of who I am besides a mom. It’s so nice to get off the child-focused treadmill in my mind and have conversations about all the things that have always made me who I am! And like others have pointed out, a lot of the foundational feelings of motherhood like navigating identity and sharing responsibilities with your partner and figuring out work life balance are not exclusive to parenting (although it does help that my friend is a sheep farmer so we could commiserate about the challenges of milking together).

I AM close with other parent friends who I can talk about sleep schedules with, but it is such a gift to have a non-parent friend!

I’m a bit late to the comments but this made me think of a recent post from Culture Study, a substack I subscribed to after it was recommended here! “How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents”

https://annehelen.substack.com/p/how-to-show-up-for-your-friends-without

What has helped me in the past is to make a plan. Similar to other major life changes (e.g. a couple who must be long distance for a while), it helps to have a plan for engagement that takes into account the possible challenges (e.g. time difference). With one of my mom friends I have a standing weekly zoom call (although we both have changed the time on occasion, the call always happens). Another good idea, especially in the early weeks of newborn life is to have a set time or times for visitors to drop by each week – a time that makes sense for the new parent and friend. Be honest with your friend (whether you’re the parent or the childless friend) about your fears for your relationship and make a plan. All relationships take effort. While it might not seem like it to you both at different points, you need each other more (not less) during a major life transition, so find a way to make it work.

Even after reading many of these comments I have trouble understanding why anyone would feel bad about their friend‘s great news. Why don‘t you simply feel happy for them and accept that, yes, things will change, but they‘ll still love you just the same? Be along for the ride, that‘s what friends are for.

This comment section is so good, even the spiky bits. What I find most interesting are those saying they feel that they and their lives are viewed as “less than” because they are child free. It’s a reminder that so often in life things really do look entirely different depending on your perspective. I’ve been a childless woman, a woman trying to conceive, a woman miscarrying, a pregnant woman, and (as of a year ago) a mother, and I have never felt as completely uninteresting and invisible to society as I do in the latter role. I don’t see the holding up of motherhood that other posters mention; I see the sentimentalisation of it but, ultimately, from those not experiencing it, a complete disinterest, sometimes dismissal, sometimes disdain. I am keenly aware that it is very difficult to talk about motherhood in a way which holds any real interest for others (I know because I feel it myself, even though I’m experiencing it). I’m keenly aware that I can’t talk about my son without other people switching off and mentally depositing me into “dull mum zone”. Given that my entire daily life currently revolves around him, and it would be laughable to pretend otherwise, this can be very insecurity inducing in social interactions. Being a mother is the most emotionally and physically ASTOUNDINGLY difficult thing I have ever experienced, and the fact that the world at large doesn’t want to hear about that – considers it tedious and self centred, even – is amazingly isolating.

I don’t think any of this, though, is a problem between women or between people with and without children. It’s a patriarchal problem through and through, maybe also a capitalism problem, and it induces an unholy rage in me towards both those institutions. I care about my childfree friends more than ever since having a baby, I value them more than ever, I try to be as honest and open as I can with them and I want to know everything that’s going on with them in turn. I hope that wider stereotypes and assumptions about our respective states, and the vast potential for hurt and misunderstanding those bring, don’t ever come between us.

This is so interesting. Although it’s taboo I really appreciate the author’s honesty, and I encourage her to talk about it with her friend. When I got pregnant I knew my friendships would change, but it’s surprised me who has become closer and who has lost touch. Some of that is simple logistics – there’s less time to go around and what time there is available is of different quality. But some of it was about who I became as a mother (and then a mother during a pandemic …), And who my friends evolved into. One of my friends is CFBC, very globetrotter, I assumed we might drift – but we have remained close. It’s different of course and we don’t get enough time together but she meets me where I am, shows interest in my kid, and our nights out together are so precious. Another, I thought we’d stay close, but we didn’t, I’m not sure why as I was not brave enough to raise it with her, but I feel as if the ways I’d changed were not acceptable to them. All I can say is it’s important to keep talking, and for the friend without kids, to remember that everything passes and changes, go with the flow and see where it leads. Your friend 2 months postpartum is different from 2 years to 5 years to 14 years. That’s always the case actually even when not a parent, but parenthood destroys the illusion of control. Like any transition this can weaken the bond, or strengthen it, you can’t know, but you can show care.

Something I’ve struggled with well into adulthood is that no knows what they’re doing. I keep waiting to feel like a competent adult; confident, knowledgeable, secure in choice, firm in my boundaries. Alas, I still got shaken up, thrown for a loop, misstep, misspeak, lose track of time, double book, forget. Thank goodness for friends. The temporary wartime ones and the soul mate ones, the good time friends and the long time friends. They are all important and I am grateful to them all.

Changes in relationships are not unique to motherhood. People change when they get married, when they get new jobs, more money, different hobbies, move away, get new friends, get older, get healthy. It’s truly dependent on the quality of the friendship that determines whether or not the relationship survives. I’ve had friends call me every single day because motherhood is lonely and isolating. I’ve had a friend fall off the face of the earth while she was getting her MBA, and another that I only heard from on birthdays and holidays until her son was potty trained because she was burnt the F out. There was nothing wrong with any of their choices or the way they adjusted to them. Because I love them I lead with empathy and because I know them I usually know what to expect in terms of their capacity and their coping styles. Life is hard, HARD for all of us. Getting what you want is just as hard as not getting what you want. It’s not a contest, and we all know what we win when we play stupid games. We are not in charge of how our friends adjust to their lives, the cards they’ve chosen or the ones they’ve been dealt.

I will say that there is a physicality to motherhood that we can be deeply unprepared for and unsupported in. There’s also still so much shame in that, that we whisper universal truths to each like dirty secrets, trauma bonded over sweaty crotches and desensitized nipples. I haven’t even seen a passing mention to postpartum depression or anxiety. I had never even heard of PPA until I was diagnosed and only now with therapy and medication am I finally starting to be able to relax. Am I just now re-emerging into certain spaces and activities? Yes, but I wasn’t blissed out somewhere ignoring you while folding onesies in a rocking chair. I was screaming in the car late at night and crying on the bathroom floor. I was hospitalized for for postpartum preeclampsia, I was coming to terms with the end of my fertility, I was weeping in the lactation office when I was told my breast weren’t going to make milk, I was dying a little every time my son was trying to get to my breast and refusing a bottle but I had nothing to offer him. I was feeling defective and useless. I was avoiding mirrors because I didn’t recognize myself in them. I was adjusting to a new life, in a new body, and a new schedule, and a new brain that infuriatingly prioritized crying over reading. I was trying to make sure my marriage wasn’t imploded by a seven pound blob, I was googling colic to death, I was touched out and sleep training, and allergy testing, and rid my house of nuts, and and and! And, I was too embarrassed and exhausted by my struggles to share them with people. You’ll have to forgive me for missing. Let it be known that no one, has missed me, more than me.

Can I just say I LOVE the conversations and sharings we are having here, and feel so grateful for this community? It is truly a miracle in the online world. Thank you coj, thank you ladies.# Here for the comments! :)

I have a question for the group. Since becoming a mom, I have made a much more conscious effort to be off my phone when I am with my kids. I work odd house, and I am the primary caretaker on weekdays. This means that I often wait until after bedtime to return texts, and calls often have to be scheduled. If I respond to all my texts, it often takes up any time I have left t night before I sleep. So, I sometimes answer a few and then push the others to a different day. But then I feel like I get caught in a loop of being bad at responding to people. Anyone have a good solution for this? (I should add that I usually work for several hours very early in the morning before the kids wake up).

This is a really interesting topic. I keep wanting to comment and then deleting because it’s such a layered issue. What I do think is, sometimes it’s best to have more expectations for yourself than of others. If you consistently show up the way you want to, the people who are meant to be in your life will be, and it will become so clear that others aren’t meant to be at all. Life shifts and that’s okay; be your own consistency.

Whoa, this comment thread. The perceived judgement in these is a lot.

In my experience, friendships change or end for all sorts of reasons. I am childfree and have not had any friendships end due to children directly. What I have had friendships end over is the imbalance of showing support and care – and that happens at all life stages.

Maybe I weeded out the fairweather friends earlier than most, but life changes and what made sense as a friendship at one life stage, won’t at another. And while that hurts, it’s ok.

Speaking just for myself as a child-free (by choice? Ambivalence?) woman in her 30s, the times I’ve felt sad or even generally uncomfortable when friends got pregnant and became parents were 100% about me and how I felt about my life. It was hard to acknowledge then, but looking back I can see that I would feel unsure of my choices and insecure about where I was in life anytime a friend seemed to “progress” (for better or for worse, I think this is how society views parenthood).

It didn’t even extend to just parenthood. When a friend got engaged or married, when a friend bought a house (a big deal in CA, not just lately but always it seems), when a friend traveled a lot and posted all about it on social media, all those things made me insecure and unsure of my own life. I wouldn’t even call it jealousy, just the fear of being “left behind.” But sure, there was probably some jealousy mixed in too.

Nowadays, after a lot of therapy and working on myself, I’m much more confident in my life, what I want, and my choices. I’ve found this has allowed me the space to feel only true, pure joy for friends going through big, positive life changes. I’ve been able to have more empathy and be more forgiving, and I’ve learned to better communicate my expectations and desires. We are all doing the best we can with where we’re at.

I think a lot of friendships are born out of sameness. We both live on the same block. We both are in the same dorm. We both are single at the same time or have the same job or major etc etc etc. And it can be such a jarring shift to enter further into adulthood and have someone who used to feel just like you be on a radically different path. I don’t think saying you need to grieve something is putting any blame on the friend going down a different path. But it will be different and maybe not in ways you like. I’ve found friendship consistently the most complicated relationships to manage throughout my adult life. My best friend had a baby 3 weeks ago. And I still love her and the baby and our friendship. But I’m in this totally different place, where my long term boyfriend just told me he doesn’t know if he wants to have kids with me or not. And where I’m facing the fact that I might not have kids at all if this relationship doesn’t end up lasting. And none of this is my new-mom friend’s fault AT ALL. But do I miss feeling like we were on the same level and totally understanding each other? Yeah I do miss that. And I do need to grieve for that past stage in our friendship, otherwise I think I’ll just be repressing so many feelings that it will make our friendship moving forward impossible.

If it makes you feel any better, I’m a mom, and hardly any of my mom friends have any time to hang out anymore. The ones who work outside home say they’re busy and the same goes for the ones who are work at/from home. This has been the case since day 1 and it’s been trending ever since (some of their kids are now going to colleges). I learnt to not keep my eggs in one basket and invest in reciprocal relationships who put some effort to have quality time for friends. Remember, work is love made visible.