My Friend Jason’s Best Breakup Advice

Thank you.

Thanks for this insightful comment…. I very much feel the same way.

Hi, Allison – I think I know the one you’re talking about! I thought the sentiment was so lovely to think about. I saw it on @katejbaer ‘s Instagram, reposted from the @writers Instagram – but likely the same one. (It was posted to @writers on 8/7/21 but I think it’s unaccredited?) Here it is since I don’t know how to link to the exact post:

My PIN number to this day is my second grade best friend’s birthday. There are people I don’t talk to anymore whose families are still in my prayers. There are shirts I wear to bed from exes of 8 years ago who are married now with kids. And I haven’t found a macaroni salad recipe better than my college boyfriend’s mom’s. Our lives are made up of so many people and when people become parts of our lives, some parts remain long after they leave. And in the same exact way, it’s comforting to know there are so many lives you’re still a part of that you have no idea about.

Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been there too. I’ve learned that these relationships that don’t quite fit the mold of “spouse” or “partner” are sometimes the hardest to come back from once they end. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone. Sending you hugs.

Wow, other than me never having been married, I can deeply relate to this comment. I’ve been dating someone off and on since June, and am contemplating ending it for the exact same reasons you articulated here. It’s always reassuring to hear about situations that are so similar to the one you’re going through at any given moment.

Thank you so much for your comment. Currently doing that re-learning myself and it’s a steep slope to climb.

I’ve never felt so seen by a CoJ comment in my life. Thank you for putting into words what I haven’t been able to. I’m also ‘on to my shit’ but am navigating, for the first time, how to rewire my brain. Giving you (and myself) a hug.

Oh gosh, so grateful for this one.

LC, I’m 2 days into a breakup (hi, I’m with you, it SUCKS). But what I am sharing comes from a breakup I experienced 2 and a half years ago that also really sucked. I actually invited him over to sleep in my (what used to be our shared) bed. Because I missed him. And you know what, I hated it. He gave me the ick. It wasn’t the same. I told him to be gone by the time I woke up lol. It helped me not want him anymore because something had changed.

But I will say, he broke up with me in the most unkind way (I won’t get into the details). So I was heartbroken but also had good reason to hate him.

With this very new ex, Im just going the lots of pillows in the bed route and not inviting him over even though I crave him. He was also unkind in our breakup (he lives 20 mins away, our relationship lasted two years, he broke up with me semi-out of the blue over the phone, no discussion about dissatisfaction prior, no discussion to be had after the bomb was dropped, and after he hung up, he was “busy working” and wouldn’t answer my texts or take my calls). So, he’s a no for me.

It’s a hard decision to make and could possible make you feel TERRIBLE. But if it’s coming from a place of knowing yourself and what you need to move on, then do what you feel is right. If it’s going to get you all twisted up, get a massage or some pillows, once you’re asleep you won’t know the difference.

Sending you love and strength

I’ve done this before and honestly, while it didn’t feel empowering per se it also didn’t feel bad and was kind of nice and also a balm. I think it depends on the type of person you are, the type of person your ex is, and how dysfunctional your relationship is/was, if at all. If any part of your relationship was toxic, don’t do it. If your ex is a pretty nice person and if you’re feeling mostly pretty grounded and feel comfortable compartmentalizing a little bit, I say go for it. The winter can be just like, dark and cold and it can be nice to have a warm familiar person to cuddle with – even if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I’ve also had some very healing, honest, cathartic conversations in these types of situations where you both express your appreciation for each other and get some final things off of your chest, even though the relationship has ended. Your gut will start to tell you very quickly if you feel comforted in a productive way or something bad like uneasy and empty, so just listen to your gut!! xxx

Just think how ironic, and harmful, it is to turn to the person who hurt you for comfort.

I’m in a trial separation from my husband of 17 years, and I don’t have advice about whether to follow your instinct about inviting your ex over, but I have also found the sudden lack of physical touch (especially in a pandemic) is so hard. Two things I have found that helped a tiny bit are: take a hot water bottle to bed that has a cloth or knitted cover, the weight and heat of it are comforting if you are lonely. And the other thing which is a bit odd, but I find helps, it tying a soft scarf around around my torso/ribcage – the pressure kind of feels like a hug and relaxes my nervous system a bit.

Weighted blanket and a vibrator, honey. A therapist if you need it. You will draw out the agony by having contact with him. It is not empowering to avoid dealing with the inevitable feelings, they will just be waiting for you.

It sounds like you ended the relationship (It’s not 100% clear). If you did break up with him, you need to consider his feelings, too. If you keep asking him over because you are craving physical affection, but you no longer want to be with him, it really is using him. He needs to deal with the loss and heartbreak, and calling him will lead him to believe you still have feelings. It is not a kind way to treat someone. Would you want someone to treat you that way after a break up? No matter how you frame it or justify it to yourself, it is leading the other person on and prolonging their suffering.

Either way, regardless of who broke up with whom… my grandma used to say about getting back with an ex “Sequels are rarely good”. And she was right. I did the kind of reconnection that you describe with my ex after breaking up and it was truly a huge mistake I wish I could take back, even as I think of the incident now (years later).

To summarize: Move on.

All the bast and good luck!

Wow, touched by the thoughtful and kind-hearted advice I knew I’d find in the CoJ community. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to share their insights, I really appreciate it. I haven’t invited him over, in fact feeling more and more that it’s not right (for either of us!), and will do my best to remain strong, not give into temptation and seek the wisdom of those around me! Much love to everyone xoxox

Sounds like you wrote the book, not him, so go ahead and be grateful to yourself, not him. Congratulations!

I love this, Tihana! So excited for you… and well done! Came to these comments looking for a sliver of comfort and glad I read this x

Your note about the comfort about loving someone with all your heart and knowing that you can do it again struck a cord with me.

I have been on many dates with men, and I always felt strange afterwards, and was actively anxious they would text me back.

A couple of months ago, I started talking to this girl. I had a difficult experience coming out as bisexual to my family a few years prior, and my mother still insists she “doesn’t remember” me coming out to her. I love clothes, makeup, the whole gamut, and my mother felt that meant I had to be straight and I started to believe her.

I set up a date with this girl and I was so excited. The day before, she texted me saying she had recently started dating someone exclusively. I was so upset, despite having never met this girl, a stark contrast to how I felt with men. And yet, while I was upset, I was also deeply relieved that I cared, that I was capable of heartbreak. I am still figuring my identity out, but I found that experience of heartbreak, however small it was, to be healing.

This is exquisite. Thank you for sharing.

No, you are not the only ones. I feel the same way about my husband. He makes me feel safe. And I feel grateful everyday to have him in my life.

I’ve been cheated on by everyone I’ve ever dated (and married, actually). My husband was unfaithful about 8 years ago and while I THOUGHT he made me feel safer, I’ve had to rethink that. What has happened, through counseling and a lot of hard work is that I am learning to trust and he is learning to be trustworthy. I’m not planning on leaving this marriage, but when I reflect on the feeling of safety, it’s crucial not only to feel safe but be safe – physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally and to have a partner who is willing to work at being a trustworthy person.

Most definitely! My husband does make me feel safer in lots of different ways. I use to be so scared of thunderstorms but after we got married I realized when he was home and it was storming I felt comforted and didn’t pay much attention to the storm outside. In bigger ways he makes me feel safer if he’s walking down the street with me – him always on the outside. And emotionally I feel safe confiding in him with how I feel about things when I don’t even want to admit them to myself. I think having your significant other making you feel safe is a great connection to have.

I am single but just wanted to chime in here and add that feeling safe is a big need for me in any relationship. I think that someone cannot truly be themselves unless they are able to feel safe.
I have experienced some not-great doctors and teachers over time, and in contrast the ones that are really great always leave me thinking “I feel safe.”

That’s interesting you pointed this out Bobby because I noted Jo’s use of the word “safer” too. For me, the feeling of safety comes from the emotional consistency and dependability of my partner, but I think what’s interesting about the word safe is that it can mean so many things for different people! In my case, I seek emotional safety because that’s what I lacked growing up, but for others I could absolutely see the desire for physical or even financial safety. I think finding safety in a partner is like finding shelter from a storm that you previously endured.

I definitely appreciate feeling safe in my relationship. I also really appreciate feeling comfortable being myself, which I think of as a little different but related. I’d say it’s a must for me!

My husband not only makes me feel safe, he makes me feel calm. Of course, I had butterflies when we first started dating, but how I knew he was the one for me was that he made me feel calm, steady, and strong. His support and love created an environment where I felt physically and emotionally safe. He accepts every part of me, making it safer for me to do the same.

And on a similar note, as a divorce attorney, some of the nastiest divorces I’ve worked on involved couples who were together because the relationship felt dangerous or thrilling. They perceived safety as boring, and as a result their relationship only knew one speed, which meant their divorce also only knew one speed. That doesn’t mean a relationship can’t grow and develop into a safe, healthy, mature (and lasting) relationship, but it has led me to the conclusion that relationships that only burn bright often don’t burn for long.

Thank you, it’s really good!

Thank you, Jim Jam. I’m four days post-separation from my husband of 16 years. I’m doing a lot of searching for coping and healing strategies.

Hugs to you

Oh honey. Hugs from me, too. I’m four days into a separation from my husband of 16 years. Love yourself deeply right now.

Can you share the name and episode of the podcast? I’d love to listen!

That is excellent advice for any stormy season. What a lovely mantra!

So true! My lover calls it “liking”. He frequently tells me: I love you so much, but most importantly, I really, really like you.

Emma, my boyfriend’s Dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. We’ve had our struggles too. Sending hugs your way!

It’s so natural to long for a life partner. I don’t think there is anything wrong with not finding one yet. I wish you the best in meeting someone who is right.

Hi Emma! My fiancé and I recently broke things off too, after 4.5 years. He lives in the US, I live in Germany, COVID happened, we both wanted different things in life. I also think we’re better off this way.
I think I can relate to how you feel. It feels impossible to open my IG feed these days and not see someones pregnancy/engagement/wedding/some other milestone announcement post and to not feel “left behind”.
Please remember, there is NOTHING wrong with you. We all do life in our own time and our own way. And in some ways we’re so lucky we got to share some part of that life with someone we loved and someone who loved us. And I truly believe that will happen again to both of us! If you don’t believe it, I will believe it for you.

Emma, I hear what you’re saying about the ways your friend network has changed. I find that in single life my social “deck” reshuffles every few years. My closest friends remain true through various seasons of life, but after major life events like breakups or moves I have to pursue new friends who are available to hike, grab dinner, or go to a movie. It’s the worst feeling when you’re in the midst of it, but I can assure you that nothing’s wrong with you. Praying you find engaging new relationships in this shuffle.

Hi Emma- I’m 28 too and this year I broke up with my partner of six years. It’s been nine months since the breakup and I’m still, STILL, so devastated I can’t breathe sometimes. I had a hard time relating to some of the more relaxed comments about breakups on this thread. I’ve had a lucky life and am very grateful for it- this is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I left him for many reasons including emotional unavailability and emotional abuse. But I struggle constantly with the decision, especially knowing he’s already found a new partner to replace me with. This year, I’m going to six weddings. SIX. I can’t help but believe that 28 has got to be one of the worst years to be single, given all the pressure on us to grab “the brass ring” of marriage. I almost feel like I’m getting left behind by peers- we all went to college, we all got a first job, we all rented first apartments. Now it feels like everyone is looking at me like, why didn’t your person pick you? I never thought I would care about getting married later, always imagined getting married in my thirties, so don’t picture me as someone who cares deeply about the “ceremony” of marriage. Yet I’m so, so hurt to not be picked. I don’t know why it didn’t work out for me the way it did for everyone else. I feel so lost, even after nine months. I miss him so much, even as I realize he could be insensitive and cruel. He was my best friend and first real significant partnership. We did everything together for close to twenty percent of our lives. We lived together. We traveled the world together. I feel like it’s more than just a breakup, as if there aren’t really words in our society for what it feels to lose someone that significant to you that you weren’t married to. I almost feel like I’m living in a separate reality where everyone else is living these perfect lives, with their engagement photos and their bachelorettes, and I’m still trying to figure out how to go three days without crying. I know eventually this imaginary reality we’re living in at this age where everyone thinks they’re getting a happily ever after will eventually go back to normal, people will get divorced and break up and fight and struggle. I know the pictures don’t accurately reflect the rest of the story and that life post marriage is as hard and complex as a relationship. I guess I write all this to say- I see you, I see you, I see you. I am you. I wish I knew that there was a tunnel at the end of this I could tell you about but I can’t. I know, logically, I’ll be happy again (I’m a naturally happy and optimistic person so it’s been even more crushing to feel like I’ve become as cynical as my ex through this experience). I just don’t know how I’ll do it. I don’t know when it will happen. And I feel so blown away by how bad all of this has felt and how long it’s taking me to put myself back together. Sending you strength, and my thoughts. Here’s hoping everyone here who is older and wiser than us is right about someone coming along that will make this all seem like it was supposed to happen.

To Emma and Amy –

Wow. Both of your comments hit a deep cord within me. I have been exactly where you are. Going through heartbreak in your late twenties, while you’re watching everyone else you know settle down and get married and have babies and buy houses and do all the things you thought you would do by now, everything you so desperately want to be doing by mow, feels like getting hit by a mac truck, like getting run over by a freight train.

There is nothing glamorous or trite about it – I’ve been through some shit and let me tell you, that is the worst shit I’ve ever had to go through. Not feeling chosen is the worst feeling in the world. I’m not here to offer hope or wisdom, I’m just here to say, I get it. It’s ok that you’re hurting right now.

My favorite quote when I was at that stage was from Eat, Pray, Love:
“You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

and then, eventually, this became my favorite poem:
Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell
by Marty McConnell

leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier-mâché puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses.
you make him call before
he visits. you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever alter you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.

I hope your hearts start to heal, sweet ones. I hope you take a lot of baths and take a lot of walks and cry a lot of tears. I hope you buy yourself grocery store flowers and find yourself a really good therapist and call your mom whenever you want. I hope you eventually find love again with a man who makes you laugh, who makes you want to be a better partner, daughter, sister, friend, who understands you and hears you and always, always wants to learn more. I hope you never forget your heartache. I hope you relish in it.

Hi friends! I’m also 28 & single & feel so deeply everything you’ve said. I’m with you in spirit from Texas & sending all my love as we all try to figure out this life together.

& to Shar– Thank you so much for that Eat, Pray, Love quote. That just cracked open my heart & revealed so many truths to me about the man blocking the door. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you so much Shar & Laura. I don’t know you but I love you. Thank you for making it a little easier, a little lighter today.

Oh Shelby, this resonates so very deeply with me! I’m going through a breakup with the guy for whom I left my husband of 13 years. I thought I would mever be happy again if I didn’t pursue this great love that knocked me of my feet like nothing had ever before. Now, 5 years later, I realise that love is not enough. It was the idea of him that was so compelling and that kept me ging for so long, but this idea is so far from who he actually is now. But still, it hurts so f*ing much…

Oh, Rusty. I love this so much. Thank you for sharing, I’m so proud of you. Cheering you on and sending you so much love from the California sierras. Jo, once again, thank you for this amazing community.

All the best to you Rusty. How wonderful that you’re channeling your experiential helping others x

Congratulations, Rusty! Freedom is worth it… this is your life now!! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

So happy for you Rusty! Sending love from Quebec Canada.