Whoa, Is This the Best Marriage Advice?

I read some advice that said, “go to bed mad.” And it has seriously improved my relationship with my hubby.

That is to say, if you’re arguing at night, right before you go to bed – don’t. You’re tired and it’s not the time to have a serious discussion. Say I love you, we’ll talk about this tomorrow, and go to sleep. Or just go to sleep. 99% of the time you’ll wake up and be able to have a much more healthy conversation. And whatever you were mad about won’t be such a big deal.

I love this advice so much. I can’t believe someone wrote that- but so, true! The advice that has worked for me is me reminding myself that my husband is NOT the same person I married 13 years ago when I feel tempted to say, “you’re not the same guy.” Why should I be frustrated at something that is true about him AND about me? What we have been through, individually and together, has changed us. And, we will continue to change. We should not be surprised by change. It’s pretty amazing when you think about marriage as saying yes to many versions of your partner.

Ask for what you need! I found I would get the most mad about unmet expectations. So instead of secretly steaming or expecting him to read my mind I just say it or even better ask. Sometimes I even preface it with, “I know you can’t read my mind so…” I will walk into a room and say, “I’m feeling sad today, can you give me a compliment?” Or if he runs to the store I’ll ask if he could surprise me with a treat. When we dated I told him right up front, “I really love waking up to good morning texts. It doesn’t need to be creative, just anything will do. It will pay off big time in your favor, so just do it please.” He hated it at first but did it and there were even days I spent the night and in the morning looking at our phones together I’d still get my good morning texts. I was right, it paid off.

I really struggled to keep my coffee in my mouth when I read about your scrambled egg-pumpkin pie. I hereby pass on the the title of World’s Worst Cook. That said, this is great advice. He is easily distracted, and I am easily moody; neither gets the housework done and both require grace! Thank you for the reminder.

My husband and I have a few very simple “rules” in our marriage. They can be applied to so many different scenarios from having tough conversations about finances, to a dishwasher that needs to be unloaded, to making sure there is a date night on the calendar.

1) be kind 2) make time and 3) don’t keep score

I don’t think men’s failure to do housework is a cute little annoyance. I think it is a massive, systemic problem in our culture. Women have made enormous strides in workplace equality, but we’re still expected to shoulder the lion’s share of the housework. If the housework is otherwise shared equally, then maybe this isn’t a big deal. But for many women who are struggling with men who just happen to forget household chores or who do them badly so they can wiggle out of their obligations, it is a massive burden that holds the women back in their careers and their quality of life. We need — as individuals, as a culture — to hold men to a higher standard.

I loved reading all of these!
Some of my favourite words of wisdom that I’ve collected along the way are:
-70% of your fights won’t be solved; what can you let go of and what is a non-negotiable? talk about it and sort this out together, don’t avoid it.
-ask each other “do you want comfort or solutions” when the other is having a bad day. This prevents the argument of feeling like your partner isn’t on your team, or that you just need to be heard and don’t need the problem solved.
-if you are arguing and your heart rate is elevated (>100), take 20 mins apart, and be sure to pee. This will help release all the hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) secreted during the fight, and will allow you to communicate more rationally. Easier said than done, I know
These were from a marriage workshop we did through the Gottman institute — highly recommend it, I would gift it to every new couple as a wedding gift if I could!

My mother, who is actually VERY particular about everyone my sister and I ever dated, loves my husband – and if I complain about something he does, my mom always something to the effect of “If that’s the worst thing he does, you’re lucky!” And I always remember that.

The best one I ever heard, that I repeat often, is; “There are housemate problems, and marriage problems. Don’t confuse the two”.

Best marriage advice I ever had was that a successful marriage requires you to fall in love with the same person over and over again. Don’t expect your partner to be the same person in 10 years time so make sure you remember to accept their changes and embrace them.

Years ago at a friend’s wedding, an elderly couple was asked the secret to their long marriage, and the husband answered, “well, you can be right, or you can be happy.” My husband and I laughed then, but now, 22 years later, it’s the advice we give, too! No, he does not make the bed the way I think is “right,” but you know what? He made the bed, so I am happy. So many arguments used to stem from my need to be right, but I realize now I could just let it go, and we can both be happier.

take NOTHING personally. best advice ever.

One thing that I think underlies a lot of this discussion is trust. Very early on in my marriage, I generally didn’t give my husband the benefit of the doubt. He pointed this out, asked me whether I didn’t realize he had earned my trust. He was so right. I was bringing baggage from other relationships. Once I realized he had earned my trust, I was able to see some of his annoying or maddening moments for what they were: just quirks, not proof of something dark about our relationship. This really transformed our marriage. That plus we learned to make jokes out of the annoying stuff. Now many of his annoying habits have become moments I cherish because they make me laugh!

My husband says every great marriage has the two “A”s – attraction and annoyance!!

Love. This. When we were planning our wedding ceremony I came across the most perfect poem full of relationship advice “It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.” It’s “The Art of Marriage” by Wilferd Peterson. We have faithfully abided by that advice for seven years, when I married the worst roommate I’ve ever had (truly), but the most perfect husband.

This is great, Not everyone could have such understanding of our imperfection. Also a lot of article that have helped me I love. i will shear only one,
On ways to make a happy home. here is the link to the article https://olutrend.com/single.php?id=8

A lovely commenter replied to a comment I posted about anxiety around moving in with my fiancé prior to our wedding. They said something to the effect of rank things based on your level of caring. If you really care (like a 9 or 10!) about this issue and your other half only cares a 3, then you can recognize that you should fight for the thing you want. This has already helped us in our first few months of cohabitation and marriage. Sometimes I think “this bothers me so much! I want to yell!” And then realize that really, I only care a 3 or 4 and I lay it down.

Also relationships are funny. The other week our heat wasn’t working in our rental so we were jumping through hoops to get it fixed. I came home to find that no one had been out to fix it and I was HOPPING MAD. Like stomping around the house. Meanwhile, he was cool as could be. I asked him why and he gave me an answer. And I realized that I just wanted someone to meet me in my anger to be angry with me. Realizing that made me simmer down.

I read this advice here, years ago! I now apply to it to my own marriage and always, always write it on advice cards at bridal showers. My boss told me it’s the best marriage advice she received and she hung my card on her mirror! It truly is the best.

Uber corny, but it’s stuck with me for 13 years: “show up every day with an open heart.” This has been the salve for many bruised egos during our marriage.

I have now forgotten where I read this, but the best advice I ever came across was that the secret to a lasting marriage is to know that there will be bad weeks, bad months, and even bad years. It was a complete perspective shift for me early on in my marriage so when there’s a tough week, I don’t sweat it. We’ve had tough years too and it’s interesting to find myself repeating this as a mantra when I’m having that “divorce?” idea float through my head.

I also know there are circumstances that eventually DO lead to divorce and I feel like it’s important to say that can be the right option.

I read this quote which is basically the same thing years ago, and it has always stuck with me: “Be kind to difficult people. You are one.”

Our marriage saving wisdom is “it’s not a plan unless you say it out loud.” No matter if that cheese was for a dish, if you were going to take the leftovers for lunch, if you were hoping for a date night on Friday, it’s all moot if you didn’t communicate it. Saved us a lot of little fights to remind the other about it and now we joke it’s our house words. Perhaps I’ll crossstich it one day!

Similarly, I remember that my partner could not be thing A that I love about him (assertive, straightforward, passionate), without also being thing B which sometimes bothers me (sometimes works too much, gets worked up easily, is *too* honest). He applies the same to me – he loves that I am so laidback, and accepts that being messy comes with the territory :) We can’t be everything, and this train of thought helps me be more gentle with myself too.

Recently I found myself in that passive-aggressive state where I feel like I am a down-trodden 1950s house wife. So instead of doing my usual which is muttering the list of things I’ve had to do I said to my husband “I hate it when I’m in this mood, when all I think about are the chores I’ve done and none of the ones you do – you know that feeling? I just want you to know in advance that I know you do lots, I just wish I was eight and grown ups were doing all this stuff instead. Just know when I bitch it’s got nothing to do with you”. He agreed 100%, and then the passive aggressive mutterings of “and this is the fifth load of washing, and the second time I have unstacked the dishwasher, and blah blah blah” didn’t bother anyone. When we had a baby someone told us that if we’re ever having a fight, someone has to ask the other “Are you tired?” – if the answer is yes (it always was), then you stop the fight, and the one who isn’t the most tired, cuts the exhausted one some slack and gives them some time out – we never used time out for the kid but if was a small gift one adult would allow the other. Life is tough sometimes, and if you love someone, cut them some slack. Give them time out if they need it. I promise they’ll return all the better for it. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes.

This needs to be on CoJ merch.