12 Reader Comments on Relationships

100% true man

can’t agree more!!

You should write a piece! Gen Xer, I guess I have no idea.

It’s a hard lesson to really internalize that everyone has free will and you can’t make someone love you. If someone doesn’t love you, that’s actually great feedback and gives you a chance to date someone else. But, it’s hard to give up your imagined future with someone.

I thank God those relationships ended and I found a person who really loves me and loves being with me!

Sarah, I love these caring boundaries (as a married person who has been hurt by both these things).

“ There’s no arguing about how it actually is funny or that I meant it a different way – just her communicating that it hurt her feelings, me apologizing, and us moving past it.”

Love this respectful boundary so much!!

Sending you love

you obviously don’t need to take this suggestion, but I would recommend reading Rule #10 of 12 Rules for Life

@em Thanks!
@K, Thanks for the idea, I googled it. Do you suggest it in regards to my life going forward or my relationship with the ex (or something else)?

@Jenny Rosenstrach, in regards to moving forward, whether it may include your ex or not :) the chapter seemed relevant to what you were describing of your experience

@K, Okay, thank you! :)

I’d recommend looking into Jordan Peterson a bit before deciding if he is someone you want to look to for advice…

seconding @L on this one. Be cautious about hitching your wagon to Jordan Peterson.

I agree with L. Please look up Jordan Peterson before taking advice from him.

Jenny, I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar situation, dating after being left and told similar awful accusations. You cannot be the source of his depression. Not possible. He might have felt the need for change, which can be accomplished in many ways, or maybe he wasn’t telling you the truth about something. In any case, not your fault, and the trick now is how to trust again. How to choose a person who won’t leave. How to not sabotage it with a fear of being left. I don’t know what the trick is. We can work hard on as well as be kind to ourselves, be kind and open minded towards others. That’s what I’m trying. Sending you love.

@ L, E, and H: Thanks for raising the point about Jordan Peterson.

@IA, I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat and have been through something similar. Yes,learning to trust again will be the key. Last time around, I read Brené Brown’s book on vulnerability because I wanted to make sure I didn’t close myself off and never love again. I guess I’ll re-read it again in the coming weeks/months. I hope I can come to trust again and choose to be with someone that won’t leave (whenever it is I eventual get to dating i long time in the future). Good luck in your process too, IA!

@IA, I’m also going to read about attachment style patterns. There’s an avoidant one I want to learn more about. My library has a book called Attached that I’m going to read to see if it’s helpful.

I was just discussing this with some friends yesterday–postpartum everything is soooo hard. It feels impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there mama 💜

having two young kids sounds really hard!

Yes to this! I suspect that by “easy,” people mean that the relationship works well when not under tremendous duress and global crisis. As my mom always says, “Don’t make any big decisions when you’re in transition!” My un-asked-for advice is to be as kind to yourself and your partner as you can manage and hold out for better days and a weaned baby! Xoxo

The feelings of love will return. It’s natural for the intimacy of relationships to ebb and flow. I’m not depressed and I will tell you that every four week or so I have to decide to keep working at it. We’ve been together 23 years. No one tells you how challenging relationships over 15 years can be. Most people don’t share what’s truly happening because they’re embarrassed or they only want to show a mirage. A dear friend told me her philosophy which is, whenever you get to the point where you want to quit your marriage, you’re at the graduate level of your relationship. She advised to try to stick it out because inevitably you get through it. This is of course barring any kind of abuse etc. Ultimately whatever relationship you enter into with someone else, it will also arrive at the graduate level where you have to dig deep and keep it going.

Wise – it’s the time of madness for you guys. It’s probably you guys being thrown through so much so fast. Shower, eat, sleep, tell yourself, the littles, and each other you love each other while giving yourself space to feel battered, because you are just a little bit!
Sometimes you’re a Grumpy Monkey and sometimes you just danced with Porcupine.

I am in a very similar place in life- a 4 month old and almost 3-year-old, a husband struggling with depression, anxiety and chronic health issues that caused him to lose his job. I had bad postpartum anxiety, a ton of stress with finances and two littles – life has just felt HARD lately. I think I would amend the author’s statement that it should feel easy- I think at the beginning, during the crazy in love portion, when everyone’s at their best, it should feel easy. That should be a baseline so when you’re in seasons when it is really really hard, you have that to remember and trust about your partner. It sounds like your season right now is “partners in raising children” and I think that’s okay and normal. One more thing- I am on an anti-depressant that is helping me a lot right now, but with my first baby I didn’t know I was struggling with anxiety and depression, and it came out as feeling like I just hated my husband. We started going to counseling and it was very helpful. Sorry for such a long response- just wanted to say sending love and encouragement. I think what you’re feeling is normal and it doesn’t mean your marriage is fundamentally flawed!

I want to leave my husband every few months- I fixate on being alone. Sometimes during these spells its all I can think of. Then they will break and I will be happy for long months on end, able to understand and be the person I want to be in my marraige. I realize it’s not the man I married that is the problem; it’s the patriarchy that I truly want to divorce. I can be my own worse enemy in my marraige with my expectations of myself in all spheres of my life – and my husband is much better at eschewing the patriarchical conscript of what a man should be than I am of what a wife and mother and working woman should be. When I get low, I look to blame. And sometimes he is the thing that catches in my crosshairs first. That and he just doesn’t have the standards I do for being on top of things. Good luck. It’s so hard when the kids are little as the righteousness can really run deep then, if that’s what you might be feeling… it did for me when I was feeling low.

As a total stranger I just want to say, hang on. Relationships are hard – it’s wonderful to think they should be easy but when mental health issues come into play then it gets hard because your whole world gets hard. I hope you have good people to support you both, some way of getting professional intervention for your mental health and that you both have the grace to understand that as you both struggle it will be harder to see the love you share but it is there. Give yourself that grace too – know that with time and help this will pass, but it may also come around again too and you will always be strong enough to survive it. I hope that helps in some way.

Hillary I feel for you. I just had my 4th on Nov 19 after a very hard year which included job losses and selling our home, cars and so much of our stuff, moving in with my husband’s mother and starting over in a new city. We don’t have it all figured out yet, but it is much better than it was in May. I’ll pray for you like I’d do for myself with the knowingness of what a rollercoaster all of this can feel like. I also wanted to say there’s no shame in formula if nursing is costing you your mental health/valuable relationships. Cheering you on, friend <3

Replying to ANON – thank you for this:
“I realize it’s not the man I married that is the problem; it’s the patriarchy that I truly want to divorce. I can be my own worse enemy in my marraige with my expectations of myself in all spheres of my life – and my husband is much better at eschewing the patriarchical conscript of what a man should be than I am of what a wife and mother and working woman should be. When I get low, I look to blame. And sometimes he is the thing that catches in my crosshairs first.”

You articulated something I have casually observed in myself recently, and expanded on it. This is so helpful to identify (my husband is a great partner! I love him!) and name (HE is not actually the problem!!! just the most readily available target). Thank you.

It feels hard for me too right now with a new child and a very stressful job – it’s so hard to connect with my husband when I don’t have any time for myself, but it doesn’t mean that we’re poorly matched. Thank you for sharing this and also to the other people responding for making me feel less alone.

Oh yes, it is so hard right now. I have a four year old and a two year old who I am essentially parenting alone in a new city while looking for a new job because my husband is in an awful residency. We have no time for each other or our marriage and white knuckling it is exactly what it feels like. I’m exhausted. I don’t find myself feeling loving or romantic towards my spouse almost ever. We’re lucky in that he is perhaps the most emotionally stable person I’ve ever met, which means we’ve managed not to resent each other too hard and the meager time we have together is still fun. I’m able to direct most of my ire at the abusive patriarchal work system that is medical residency rather than at him. But I’m just so gosh darn lonely. And also desperate to be alone. All that is to say you are not alone!!

Hillary, I’m so sorry for your pain and huge stressors. I’m a stranger on the internet giving you anonymous permission to wean as soon as you need or want. Your children need you as their mother SO MUCH MORE than they need breastmilk. Your well-being can’t be outsourced, but their nutrition can be. PPD is a serious, serious illness and you getting extra time to sleep and having the ability to take the medication that you may need is crucial. Fed is best, and a healthier, more connected parent is priceless. Formula is always an option.

Yes to being a team! We are not the same and sometimes we disagree and both of us have things that easy to live with and things that are hard. But we’re a team. I’m on his side, he’s on mine, and that means the world. And reminding each other with a touch and a smile that we still see in each other that teenager in class we couldn’t help thinking about all day.

For me, I often do not feel as if my husband and I are on the same team. So many problems, including his bad relationship with my now teenage son, him treating our mutual daughter differently, health issues because of long term effects of his cancer treatment… it is all distressing and I am really at a point where I want to give up and be by myself, without him, as I feel so lonely in this relationship. Phew…

Hi E! I’m not sure I can provide an answer but I don’t think that being unsure means that your relationship is doomed. Some people, and maybe you are, are just anxious about relationships (I am!). I do tend to become obsessive when I don’t know for sure how I feel about something. With that said, I think you will know FOR SURE when it is not working out for you (if that happens), it usually become very clear when it’s the case. It’s possible (not easy but possible!) to learn to be more comfortable with uncertainty and therapy definitely helps (though I know it is not an option for many people). I hope my reply makes you feel less alone in dealing (and struggling) with uncertainty. Maybe being overthinkers means that we have big and very intelligent brains? I choose to believe so. Take care!

E, as someone who was in a very similar experience (first relationship was from 24-28) it sounds like you’ve got a good one. I too felt tremendous doubt and was confused by my lack of experience… but here you can trust your gut. My gut was telling me that the relationship was full of disrespect, which it was, I just chose to ignore it. You described yours as easy, fun and your favorite person to be with. It sounds like your relationship is wonderful. Enjoy it! Xo

Hey E! I can totally see how not having another romantic reference point can be a source of anxiety. One thing to consider: You have a whole body of life experiences that you’re bringing to your romantic one – all the things you’ve learned, the ways you’ve grown, and the relationships you’ve fostered with friends and family. You have life experiences! You’re not inexperienced!

Hi E, I’m so sorry you are feeling anxious about your relationship! I’ve been there and ugh, it’s the worst. I come from messy divorced parents and had only had terrible relationships. When I met my husband it was so easy but I was SO STRESSED all the time. Here’s what helped me. First, I made a long list of all the things about relationships and men that made me anxious. And then I took them to a therapist and worked through them one by one. Through that process, I also realized that none of those fears had anything to do with Ryan, my now-husband. It was just a lot of self-doubt, distrust of men, fear of being seen fully, and past baggage. Then I interviewed couples who had been married a long time who were happy and asked them how they knew someone was good for them/what a healthy relationship looks like. I also read the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk”, read the article in the NY Times called “To Stay Married, Embrace Change”, and listened to as many podcasts about relationships as I could find. Therapy was the most helpful thing though! Pay attention to how your person makes you feel and most importantly can you be your full, unfiltered self around them? If so, what a gift. I hope this helps!

I’ve been there, E. When I met my current partner (of 9 years), I had very minimal dating history. Despite feeling that he was The One within a month of meeting, I had periods anxiety and overthinking for our first 3 years together. Am I good enough for this incredible man? Could I be missing out on something? Eventually, I came to realize that what matters is how I feel with my partner, not how I might feel under different circumstance. You say that he’s you’re favorite person, you have fun together, and things feel easy. Trust that feeling.

It sounds like you’re overthinking. Unless there’s some red flag you’re not telling us about.

I think you’re wise to note that the issue might not be with him, but with your own lack of healthy role models. It’s hard to be what you haven’t seen! Maybe spending some time with yourself with the help of some books, resources or a therapist would help you to get some insight and feel assured that it’s not him or you together, it might just be you. And that’s okay! That is NORMAL.

Your new relationship sounds lovely. Enjoy!

P.S. I married my first romantic partner and it’s a success so far (15 years). Maybe you haven’t dated before because you weren’t ready or hadn’t met a good match. Maybe it wasn’t right for you to date a lot of people before settling down! That’s absolutely fine. Everybody has their own path. Love and good luck to you!

I definitely think that not being exposed to many healthy long-term relationships, particularly when you’re growing up, can leave you with a sense of uncertainty, instability, and anxiety in your relationships down the line. My parents had a very unhappy relationship, and I often feel as though I have no “template” of what a marriage or long-term committed relationship should look and feel like. I have to go by what I see and hear elsewhere, which is typically so curated and filtered that it’s probably not the most helpful benchmark against which to measure my own life and relationships.

I go through short periods with my partner, every so often, when my other health issues really amplify those feelings of uncertainty and disconnect, even though I know on an intellectual level that I love and am committed to my partner. I appreciate Brené Brown’s perspective on love: that it’s a consistent practice, not a consistent feeling. I don’t think she means that you should ignore your gut if it’s sending regular signals that something is amiss, but instead that we can consciously choose to nourish positive regard and practise love even when life tries to elbow into the way. xx

I don’t personally think that “wondering” is a death knell, by any means. I’m happily married a few years, in that same relationship much longer, and I’ve “wondered” many times! I’m sure he has, too. To remain in love is a decision, like the quote from the post above, and therefore requires some thought.

I can’t say whether you will decide this relationship is sustainable for the long term/forever, as that’s up to you! What I CAN say, though, is that you’re not in a hurry. No matter how old you are, you’re not in a hurry to figure it out. Keep growing and experiencing things together and see where that takes you and how that makes you feel. Good luck!

As a person who tends toward anxiety in general, these thoughts plagued me too when dating my now-husband. Just wanted to pipe in that imo, the answer to your last question (“does even wondering give me my answer?”) doesn’t have to be yes. For me, it was unrealistic to believe I wouldn’t have anxiety about my relationship, because I have anxiety about everything. The classic advice that “you’ll know if he’s the one” and “trust your gut” didn’t help me either because I didn’t know *anything* for certain and my gut was *always* anxious. I found peace in learning about relationship anxiety/relationship OCD and realizing that what I was experiencing was normal for me and not a sure sign that I needed to end things. Just my experience; the choice that was right for me may not be right for you. Good luck, friend. <3

As someone who was in a relatively happy long-term relationship that I always questioned, I would say consistent lack of clarity is clarity in itself. But, wondering if something is ‘right’ from time to time is totally human! Not a health professional here though, a therapist may be better help if possible :)

Go to therapy, hash it ALL out in the nitty gritty detail. A good therapist should be able to help you decipher if you’re self sabotaging or truly not quite into them. xx

I’ve only had one boyfriend, partner etc and in my twenties I had a lot of these same thoughts. Now though I KNOW he’s my person and I’m so grateful I found him early, what we have is worth more to me than extra “experience”.

If you stay with one person long enough you’ll start to find that you’ve actually dated many people along the way. A person at 20 is not the same person at 30 or 40 or 50. We’ve each changed so much we have the collective mindset that those people we each loved years ago were different people – exes almost, some we love and miss and some we cringe about and are glad are gone; but as we lean into growth and love we leave those people behind. After seventeen years together we have so much experience, it’s just with versions of ourselves and each other.

Oh I don’t think you should stress yourself out with questions like “does even wondering give me my answer.” I’ve been with my husband for 16 years but still get weird intense crushes on coworkers or listening to my husband brushing his teeth outside the bathroom drives me fucking insane but at the end of the day we’re still ok, I’m still terribly grateful for him and we’re good together. You don’t have to have an every moment is bliss type of relationship for it to be in fact a very excellent relationship. <3

I totally feel this comment! When my now husband and I started dating when I was 21, he was essentially my first boyfriend. My parents have a terribly unhealthy relationship, which created a lot of fear that I would be powerless to break the cycle. As we got more serious and started talking about marriage I freaked out and nearly broke up with him. Ultimately, what calmed me down and helped me think clearly was to think about what was causing my fear. Was is just general fear because I didn’t know what I was doing? Was it fear that we would end up like my parents? Or was it fear regarding something in our relationship.? And, to think separately about how I felt about him away from my fears. When I asked myself, do I want to be with N, without getting into all the what ifs and fears it was easy for me to say yes! Of course, he’s my favorite person! Once I realized that, I could set aside the fears, or more likely categorize them separately from our actual relationship, and put all my effort into not becoming like my parents :). Anyway, that’s my experience, hope it gives some comfort that just because you’re having general anxiety doesn’t mean it’s necessarily wrong. It could be anxiety that has nothing to do with the actual person. We’ve been happily married for 15 years, and so far, nothing like my parents! 😁

I don’t think you need to compare to anything (yourself, others). To me, it’s more a question of: does this feel right? Is there mutual love and respect? Can you see yourself with this person standing by you through thick or thin, all the beauty and hardness in life, and can you see yourself standing by them the same way? Is your relationship healthy — does it bring you both joy, are disagreements resolved mutually, do you feel like a team?

My husband was the second guy I seriously dated. I don’t think having a longer dating history would have made a difference. For me, it was knowing he was my best friend as well as my love, and knowing I wanted to spend all my days with him, that I looked forward to being 30 years old, 50 years old, 70 years old with him.

I don’t think it makes sense to expect any partner to be perfect, but I think we see and celebrate and encourage the best in each other. Equally important to me, was that I felt he knew my flaws clearly – I wasn’t hiding anything from him – and loved me anyway.

Hi E, I was in a similar position in my first big relationship. For *me* it turned out that questioning was ultimately a flag. I could have written exactly your description through several years of that relationship, and I did ultimately end it. We’re still friendly acquaintances and I still think he’s a good person and I’m glad I had that relationship. There was even a period years later where we were back in touch in a way that made me consider whether we’d get back together. But ultimately I realized he still wasn’t *there* for me in the ways I was looking for, and that other world never materialized, the world where he changed and did the things to demonstrate to me that I didn’t have to wonder or question. He’s in a relationship now that seems better suited to him. And I’m newly married to someone who has made me feel fully supported, cared for, and just SEEN in a way the first relationship never felt.

But all that said, I don’t know if wondering for you in your relationship is just nerves! For me it was more and I do wish I had given myself more permission earlier on to listen and trust my own internal voice on that, so I would encourage you not to dismiss it without fully listening to that voice first.

As a fellow over thinker, the greatest gift a friend gave me near the beginning of my relationship was to ask, “is it good for now?” And if the answer is yes, then stick around. I am still answering yes to that question 15 years later. This relationship continues to be good for now.

Hi E! It sounds like you’re enjoying your relationship with your partner. I don’t have a lengthy dating history either and because of that I, too, feel like I’m missing this crucial comparison tool for the exclusive purpose of KNOWING. When I think about it, doubt is normal. Humans are so complex and all that. But I also see it like this – in the absence of knowing for sure that this is your person, you get to rely on your own decision-making abilities. If your wrong or right, you learn to trust yourself through taking risks and learning from new experiences. I recommend listening to episode 109 of Baggage Reclaim podcast. (First learned of that on this blog several years ago!)

Also I never watched the show, but I still love this quote from Grey’s Anatomy (LOL):
“So, do it. Decide.
Is this the life you want to live?
Is this the person you want to love?
Is this the best you can be?
Can you be stronger? Kinder?
More compassionate? Decide.
Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.”
― Meredith Grey

Wishing you all the happiness in the world! <3 Build trust in yourself.

Advice from a relationship therapist here- don’t always trust your thoughts. Having a thought doesn’t change a feeling and having more experience doesn’t necessarily change what you want. Sounds like you found a good egg. Keep listening to your feelings and let the thoughts come second :)

Hi E! I married my first long term relationship which ended in divorce after 15 years. Looking back, I can see our relationship wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know it at the time and I do think this was because of my lack of experience. I had nothing to compare it to. So when problems did arise (arguing, blaming, lack of sex), I thought it was normal for every relationship and we would just work through it. After all he was still my favorite person, I loved him, and my future was with him. Long story short: he wanted a divorce, I was completely heartbroken, recovered, and after some dating, I am now in a relationship that I know is healthy, supportive, loving, and just so so good. I know it’s good because how I feel, how we treat each other etc., but also because I can compare my current relationship to my prior ones. I’m glad for everything I learned from my past, but it would have much easier to not have to divorce, deal with child custody, etc. When my daughters are older, I will encourage my them to date around before they decide to get married or have children. This of course is just my personal experience, and reading the comments here, it seems like plenty of people have married and stayed in love with their first. From my perspective, I think it’s good to wonder.

I’ll just say that I have been for nearly 16 years now with my first and only serious partner. I’d gone on dates and things like that, but he was my first real relationship and still is.
Ps— that also freaked me out a bit for the first year or two!

Oh my gosh, thank you all for such thoughtful replies. So much great perspective here, and reassuring to hear from those who can relate. I’m feeling bouyed from across the great wide web! Thank you.

Having only been in one long-term relationship (and that was in college) and now nearing 30 and single since then I think you can trust yourself. I have lived and grown enough (and gone on enough dates) at this point that I feel pretty confident in being able to choose the right person without much time. I think it’s possible for you to ‘know’ without having had a point of comparison.

I went through a similar situation, but in my case I was ignoring a lot of red flags. My questions to “past me” would now be:
– is this person kind to you and others?
– do you trust them? (This is the main one – I have eventually realised that if deep down I don’t trust them, it doesn’t matter whether they are trustworthy or not, it will make me feel crazy.)
– bonus: do they make you laugh?
Looking back, the answers were staring me in the face for a long time (this person is not good for you), but because I’d always been telling myself this “story”: I had never had a relationship longer than 3 months, but that was ok, because when I met The One it would last. I had decided this person was The One and therefore it had to last.

Now I am in a relationship with a kind person who I trust deeply and who tries to make me laugh all the time. I am so grateful that other relationship ended!

Does your relationship make you both better people? Are you both committed to the betterment of the other and to the relationship? Do you like him? If you think of your life in a year with him or having broken up with him, how do both feel?

With my husband, I had the strong sense that I always wanted to know him and to have him n my life.

Hey E! I think there are those that learn from doing, those that learn from observing, and those who learn from their intuition. You can find a happy and healthy relationship through any of those methods! I didn’t date at all until after I graduated from university, and I still felt capable of drawing off of what I had observed and my gut feelings. I bet you can too! Hang in there and wishing you all the best!

If wondering about the point of comparison is the only thing you’re wondering about— then I don’t actually think you need to wonder about this person. ❤️

Aw I feel this! My first boyfriend and I were very on and off for a few years, as we met so young and both had doubts. After we finally decided to move in together, I began to have serious doubts. I could never bring myself to leave him, though, because things were always so good and I couldn’t justify it–and now we’ve been married for six years and just had our second baby! He’s the absolute best husband, father, and friend I could ever ask for, and I’m so grateful I stuck it out–oh, and got some treatment for anxiety ;).

I dealt with a lot of anxiety with my first long term boyfriend and I found the wonderful life saving work of Sheryl Paul who discussed relationship anxiety and anxiety in all of life’s transitions: https://conscious-transitions.com/

I’m now married to that same boyfriend (8 years in!) and I always say Sheryl got me down the aisle. Whatever the case is with your partner, her work helps sort through allllll of the bs of romantic idealism :)

Hey E, I have been where you’re at. PLEASE please please, for your own health and future relationships’ health, do not look around at what anybody else is doing. Do it all your way, on your own timeline. This is important everywhere, but especially in the culture Utah fosters. You’re being tricked into thinking that something is wrong with you or the timeline you’re operating on. This is wrong, you are fine. In fact, statistically, marriages tend to last longer if you’re not 21 when you get married.

Advice for the worry? Honestly, move out of state if possible, or at least make sure to not live in Utah county. Do all the things you want to do, without waiting for someone to do them with. Think deeply about what’s wrong with being 23 and not married (or 33! or 93!) and evaluate what you come up with. I hope you’ll find that there is nothing wrong whatsoever with it. It also helps to realize that it might feel like you’ll never meet someone who lights up your world, but that could literally happen tomorrow. And you’ll look back and think “24 hours before I met them, I had no idea I was only 24 hours away from meeting them.”

Love, someone in Utah who didn’t have a real partner until their mid-late twenties which is FINE:)

Hi E. I recommend asking yourself, “and what if I don’t find the right person for me?” Ask yourself the question honestly and bravely – what is the worst case scenario here? If you were to be single for a long time, then what? What are you truly scared of? These are big questions so you might even find time to journal or meditate on these questions!

No idea what the answer is for you, but brainstorming what other people might find out if they do this inquiry with themselves: Is it the belief that you’re not complete or not enough when you’re alone? Do you need partnership to fill up the empty space inside you, to make yourself feel good about yourself and feel wanted? Or does your religious community teach you that its your purpose and goal to be a wife and without it, you can’t find meaning? Is it pressure that other people must look down on you or pity you? Or maybe you feel less-than your friends who are partnered up and you worry that something is broken or wrong with you deep down?

I think if you can understand what’s underneath your fear and loneliness, you might be able to work on being less lonely, whether partnered or not! (Therapy is fantastic for this, if you have access!) People who are able to fill up their own cup, end up being better partners once they do find partnership, as well! If you’re coming into a relationship from a place of desperate need to fill up the loneliness (I’m not saying that’s you necessarily, just an example) then that’s not really *love* so much as *need.*

Also I want to say that (sorry this is eye-rolly) 23 is very young and everybody in the world is very-much still figuring things like this out at 23. It may feel to you like you’re behind others but I’m here to tell you, you’re not. Being engaged or married is not a sign of emotional maturity and it’s absolutely not a guarantee of happiness, fulfillment, or contentment. (Like you pointed out it’s also very cultural – where I live, 23 is hella early to get married so just think about all the people in the world who are in the same boat as you, even if they’re not the people immediately surrounding you) Work on you and your own life right now!! Be your own best friend. Best wishes to you <3

Do you want a husband now? Do you want kids now? I also grew up in a place with a lot of early marriage and felt like 25 was old maid territory. BUT, I also knew that I didn’t want to settle and waited met my husband when I was 30 and we married 5 years later.
The flipside, many early marriages I knew have now ended in divorce. People who marry because of a societal expectation to just get it over with have higher rates of divorce in the long run.

Hey E,
You are so brave to ask this, and I think it’s a crucial question everyone in their 20s should ask. Because no one can make you feel whole and happy all the time, we all have to figure out how to give ourselves our dream lives. I got married at 26, and I definitely know how loneliness feels. I was going through some traumatic stuff in my early 20s and it was so, so lonely. I would go to parties wanting to cry all the time because life was so hard and I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I didn’t feel like anyone truly knew me or loved me. It was ROUGH so I tried to never be alone with my thoughts or I would just spiral. Therapy helped me work through all the ugly emotions I didn’t want to feel or be alone with. It also helped me feel validated and understood. I also think romanticizing your life helps a lot. Find small ways every day to make yourself happy. Whether that’s wearing a fun outfit, going to a movie by yourself, exploring your city, lighting candles and taking a bath, or cooking a nice dinner for yourself. Make a list of things you want to see/do wherever you live and explore on the weekends! You truly don’t need anyone else to live your dream life. You are whole and can find happiness all by yourself. P.s. I’m Mormon and I live in Utah and I’d love to chat more if you need someone to open up to about dating culture/loneliness feel free to DM me on Instagram @moriah.q or email me at mason.moriah@gmail.com. Or if you just need a friend right now! I’m always down to get ice cream with someone new.

Hey E,
I just wanted to say that you are so brave for asking this question. I think it’s so important for people in their 20s to address loneliness and the big worries that weigh on them. I definitely felt that way at 23. I felt like no one truly saw me or loved me. I was going through so major trauma and didn’t know how or who to talk to about it. I did everything I could t never be alone with my thoughts or I’d spiral, and I was normally a confident person! Therapy helped me work through all the big fears I ignored and the feels I suppressed for years and years. It also helped validate me, made me feel seen, and gave me hope. I will also say that it’s so important to romanticize your life. You don’t need anyone else to make you happy or give you your dream life. Plus, loneliness still happens even when you get married, which is okay. Find small ways every day to make yourself happy, whether that’s cooking a nice dinner for yourself, lighting candles and taking a bath, working on goals, or going to a movie. Make a list of things you want to do and try in your city and spend the weekends exploring! I’m rooting for you. P.S. I live in Utah, am Mormon, and got married when I was 26. If you need a friend or need someone to vent to feel free to DM on Instagram @moriah.q. I’m always happy to go out to ice cream with a new friend!

Something my therapist has taught me, that I’ve found helpful, is connect, connect, connect! Connect to God, connect to others, connect to myself.

There are lots of ways to do that but connecting to God might include praying, meditating, reading the Bible, listening to music, going out in nature
Connecting to others – quality interactions with safe, fun friends, interacting in online communities like CoJ, reading novels or autobiographies or poetry or watching media about people you relate to
Connecting to self – journalling, doing self-care stuff, making art, working on projects for yourself, doing fulfilling work

My instinct when I feel lonely, hopeless and worried is to curl inwards but I’ve learned that making the effort to CONNECT always fills up my soul. Take or leave this offering, I hope it might spark something for you!

Hi, E. I’m 33 and just got married this summer. I was one of the last of my friends to get married, and I’m also from a culture in which people marry young (kids I *babysat* got married before me.) I spent a lot of my adult life lonely and worrying. My advice, discovered in the bottom of the dumps, is to live so as to make your future self jealous. You’re only 23 once. Have fun. Travel. Write books. Throw parties. Be the funnest person you know. Heck, live so as to make OTHER PEOPLE jealous. ;)

Let’s say you don’t get married for several more years. Then it will be hard being different from the other women in your community. You may even have to go out of your way to seek out friendships with people who are from different communities where they don’t all marry young. This process will change you, and at times it will hurt, but I say embrace it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll appreciate the chance to become just a little bit different from the rest.

Hey E, I have definitely had all these feelings before. I’m from a Christian background and it’s very important to me, and I had the same experience of all my friends getting married at 19! 21! 23! And I used to often worry a lot, almost have dread of the future, because I felt a lot of fear that I wouldn’t find my person. Now at 31 and thinking of getting engaged, I wish I could tell my younger self to go and do all the fun things you want to do. Save for a house, buy that car, go on holidays… I was very fortunate to be able to do all these things and I know many people are not in that privileged position. But I think I would have enjoyed it all more if it was not so drenched with anxiety. At times that anxiety wrenched my faith too because I wanted to trust God with the future and believe that He had an answer to my prayers. I don’t know if that’s similar to you, but I suppose most of all I look back and think that I got to do so much living and growing in my 20s, that only now I am actually very sure that I am ready to be married. I often think that my friends who married younger didn’t get the same opportunities that I did in terms of all the growth you can do on your own. It’s not better, just different, and now I am very thankful. I hope I don’t seem patronizing as I don’t mean to, just thought I would share my similar experience. It can be scary because no one knows what life will hold, but it very often holds lots of amazing twists and turns and so much can happen in 10 years! Thinking of you, Laura

I’m 27 and a Christian and in those circles its the same. I was talking to my psychologist about it and she said to me in my circles it’s considered normal to get married at 23 but in the outer circles and world getting married at 33 is considered normal. It really helped me accept that it’s ok to feel how I do but I also need to look at the bigger picture and its all about perspective.
Things will happen when they happen, for now enjoy this time and don’t rush things because its considered expected of you.

Me too, E, me too. <3

I was once a 23 year old Mormon girl with similar fears. Now I am 34 and still single (admittedly I had a faith transition and no longer go to church). I didn’t date much at all at BYU or the years following and didn’t even hold a partners hand till I was in my 30s when I had a two year relationship that I ended. But here is what worked for me—read sex therapy books, Peggy Orenstein is amazing, trust me on this one you need it—listen to queery or other LBGTQIA podcasts, you may find that is your community—make a list of things you want in a future partner, be picky and be specific, and then do those things yourself—if the Mormon dating pool isn’t working for you look into dating non members, two of my friends found wonderful partners that way, it may shock your family but there are wonderful people out there—spend time figuring out what you want in life, many (4) of my sisters for married early and had four or more kids before they realized that they would have had better mental health with one of two kids, or if they had delayed kids, I personally have no kids and I think it is the best thing ever but I have friends with kids and they think that is the best thing ever so do you on that—this one is hard but let go of the pressure that is getting placed on you cause you are perfect as you are, when the general authorities tell you to wear makeup and diet so you can be attractive to males (yes this was a devotional I went to at BYU) reframe it and say I am loving myself and being true to myself, if I want to do something I will do it but I will love and live in a way that increases my own happiness and joy—it is ok to skip young single adult activities, sometimes they are just dang painful. I’m cheering for you. I’m cheering for you if you stay single or if you find a relationship. The pressure you are feeling is real but you really do have time to create and live a life that is true to you. Being single does not mean you are half a person or a half a member. You are whole and perfect as you are. You have time.

E, I feel like I could have written this myself (if you swap out being Mormon for being Catholic, that is)! I’m 22 and I’ve wrestled a lot with loneliness too, especially as many of my peers have married young. I went on my first, and so far only, date six months ago – it was enough of a bust that I have yet to have my first kiss.

Anyway, I have no advice to share, just solidarity. Know that you’re not alone in the ebb and flow of self-confidence vs. loneliness. Just yesterday I was celebrating singleness, while today I sobbed because I was listening to Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” and realized that I’m 7 years older than the age in the song and I *still* haven’t had my first kiss or “danced around the room when the night ends” at the end of a date. (It’s been a bit of a week, ha, ha!)

Through my faith, therapy, and great friendships, I am coming to feel gratitude for my singleness right now. It’s not taking away the loneliness, but creating a space for another feeling next to the loneliness. It doesn’t have to be either-or. Your time will come when it’s meant to. (I keep telling myself this, and I have faith in it!) I’m rooting for you!

Meghan, your comment prompted me to have 2 thoughts that might encourage you!

1. I have pretty much healed from codependency that dominated my relationship for the first 8-9 years. We’ve now been together for about 16 and the last five or so have been so different from the first 10 that we refer to it as our “second marriage.” A different future is possible for you!
2. There’s a quote attributed to Queen Elizabeth II (though I have no idea if she really said it): “The first 10 years of marriage are just an overture. That there’s often a crisis at 10 years, but then you work it out and settle in and it’s only then that it really gets into its stride.” I love this and often think of it. It was true for me!

Lots of love to you!

Thank you, K! I sincerely appreciate your encouragement and wisdom.

This made me happy to read. Go R.S! You glow up!!

Such a sweet comment! Congrats, and enjoy that quality you-on-you time :) a wonderful opportunity for growth and exploration

What an amazing friend! I love this story. <3

Amazing friend, and such an interesting quirk!!

Right there with you!

Congrats on making it to trimester three! You have got this!