The Mentor Myth

I found this post today, and am adding a rather belated response, but this really resonated with me. I have benefited from mentors but not in quite the same way; I needed help figuring out who I was and how I fitted into the world. I come from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother and all that that implies. She taught me that I was fat, ugly and stupid, and this was reinforced in my life: I had low self-esteem, was unpopular in school, taunted, friendless, the works. I never had friends to play with clothes and make-up, and my mother certainly could not be bothered. Fashion magazines were too expensive, and I couldn’t really relate to them anyway. So I was pretty clueless.
Then I went to college, and it took a few days to realize that no one there knew that I was fat, ugly and stupid, but they took me at face-value, just as I took them. What a revelation! How freeing! The problem was, I was very insecure and still couldn’t figure out who I was or what I looked like. I was just paddling around trying to figure out how to fit in.
One day I was sitting at my desk, in a window overlooking a quad, and I saw this cute girl walking across the quad with her boyfriend, and I thought – “I want to be her.” The thought hit me with force; I had never had a revelation like that before. She had her hair in a pony tail, was wearing a light blue ski jacket, straight-leg jeans and duck boots. And she looked perfect. I want to be her! I thought I had to wear a lot of make-up, have my hair all styled, wear expensive trendy clothes – but what she was wearing was so simple, so easy; was that possible, could it be that simple? This started me spending time observing the women around me, looking closely at what they were wearing and how they were styling. Who spoke to me? Who could I copy? Would I look good in that?
Over time I learned and developed a style. I could appreciate all the women around me and their style choices (envious of those who really got it – the make-up, the hair, the clothes…) and I could adapt what spoke to me. I grew out my hair, wore a light blue ski jacket, straight-leg jeans and duck boots. I learned the confidence to be more individual and to make my own choices, rather than being dependent on others for my decisions. Because of the lack of a mother, I have always had to look to other women for mentoring, in all aspects of my life, but this was really the beginning. I am 62 years old now and I still remember that cute girl who walked across the quad at Geneseo and changed my life. She had no idea she was being a mentor.

Yes, I had some great mentors, in the offices of the huge corporation that I worked for in Manhattan for the first ten years of my career. I learned so much! It actually really concerns me when I see people tweeting that there’s no need to go back to the office ever, that there’s no need for my industry to be centralized….I didn’t learn all of this on my own! And I’m not convinced you can make connections/learn so much over zoom meetings. Time will tell, I guess.

I’m a long term reader, and I’d like to echo the sentiment that I’ve often thought of you as a mentor, particularly in motherhood. Thank you for your willingness to share your experiences. It’s clear you’ve had an impact on many of us!

I love this post! I’m sorry if this comes across wrong, but I feel like a lot of women are still trying to find their way as confident, trusted leaders in the workplace. This isn’t the fault of women, but unfortunately a lot of tools and traits that make a good male leader simply don’t correlate directly to a woman and so I feel like it is an extra special find to witness a woman who is comfortable in her skin and has successfully climbed the corporate ladder. So I love the idea of a from far away mentor, the WiFi analogy is brilliant. One book I recommend to tons of people is Doris Kearns Goodwin’s “Leadership” book that follows the young adult lives of four US presidents, examining traits and circumstances that built them into successful leaders. I was surprised how many practical tips I drew from it in my own working life.

I’ve made a Pinterest board for mine!

Noam Chomsky: “I was never aware of any other option but to question everything.”

Katherine Johnson, human computer for NASA, because she fought against the odds socially being African American and career-wise, bringing intelligence and creativity to the field.

Meryl Streep, whose self expression not only bolsters my self-confidence but inspires creativity for all the different parts of my personality.

Francis Schaeffer, philosopher who taught me the beautiful web of culture, science and God as opposed to seeing them as battling camps.

Lisa Randall, theoretical astrophysicist, because of her tenacious zeal for life & science.

This is truly a nugget of wisdom. I’ve heard (& agree with) the advice, “be who you are and what you love and you’ll attract the people you really want to be friends with.” But that can honestly prove to be a hard feat if you lack inspiration from people around you (just as a caveat, I do personally believe everyone has potential to inspire you, just not all in the same way). With that said, when you’re not confined to your current location or even time period, the possibilities for inspiration increase substantially! Honestly, I think this is why there seems to be a correlation to increasing age and history appreciation. Everyone I know over the age of 60 just *loves* history and I’ve always wondered why. I think this solves part of the puzzle – they find community and cultivation of character from past historical figures.

What an incredibly good advice.

As many have said… You Joanna, have been one great mentor to me, in motherhood, work and life in general. Reading your blog is one of the highlights of my days.
Thank you!!

What a wonderul, helpful, and thoughtful post! I especially enjoyed the “it felt like that” quote. This is really what most are seeking on these blogs I think; this made it a conscious realization on my part.

I find this so comforting, as I’ve often felt a bit disappointed about not having a Real Mentor. It’s a role I have romanticized to the point where I didn’t make space for the type of mentorship you describe here. Thanks for this–I’m going to spend some time thinking about the people (women, especially) who have guided me over the years, even if they never knew it.

Darling Jo, I consider YOU my mentor from afar, seriously! I’ve followed you for so long and have learned so much from you!! Even my husband knows how important you are to me as I quote you or this blog so often :-) Plus, we are also the same age and we are both aquarians :-).

I love you, Jo! <3

As so many women have pointed out, you have completely been that person for me! Thank you for being you – you are a force for kindness, acceptance, love and community and I am so grateful to have found your corner of the internet because what you create here is pure gold. xxx

This is a truly lovely, helpful post.

I echo 100% every comment that I look to you and your team (and your mom!) for advice and mentorship. This blog is such a special part of my life and has been for a decade!!!

I just want you to know that your “mentorship” over the years is so meaningful. From how to raise children to a wonderful show to travel advice to everything else, has been amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write! It’s beautiful.

It is so lovely to read all the comments and that so many readers that Cup of Jo has been a mentor to them. This blog is truly inspiring.

The only mentor I ever really had was a fashion mentor!

I worked with a lady, only a couple of years older than me, who always looked FABULOUS. Effortlessly put together. Nothing was expensive, but she always looked so good.
So I copied. I’d note what she was wearing (mostly just colour scheme and style), and the next day I’d use her outfit for inspiration for my own.
“On Monday she was wearing cream-coloured trousers and a black shirt. So on Tuesday I’ll wear a light-coloured bottom, and a dark top.”

As far as I know, no-one ever knew, but I felt like I had discovered a great little life hack. And during those 6 months or so that I did it, I never felt so stylish!

speaking of mentors, this is an absolute must watch: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/aocs-speech-about-ted-yohos-apology-was-a-comeback-for-the-ages/2020/07/23/524e689a-cb90-11ea-91f1-28aca4d833a0_story.html

Great advice! It is so enriching to collect mentors near and far. I am loving that process. Right now I am getting a lot of mentoring from Brene Brown, Lori Gottlieb, Juli Bauer Roth and Tina Fey all of which I encountered through different mediums :podcasts, NPR, Instagram, and TV. It is an ideal time to be seeking out mentors. Thank you for the content!

It is amazing to me how many mentors far and near I have accumulated over the years. I love this post because it is so true. Find them and get close because you can learn so much! Some of my far mentors right now are Lori Gottlieb, Brene Brown, Tina Fey, and Juli Bauer Roth. They all came to me through different mediums: NPR, Podcast, TV, and Instagram. It’s such a remarkable time to be learning from these individuals. Thank you for sharing!

I really appreciate this post. I lead an initiative about women, work, and calling for a nonprofit and find that younger women often come into networking opportunities thinking, “I’m going to come away from this gathering with a mentor.” You can gain so much wisdom by informally learning from others even if you don’t have an official “mentor.”

I encourage women of any age to pursue intentional friendships with people in different life stages, with different levels of professional development, etc. The goal is to be mutually beneficial to each other. You may not feel like you have a lot to offer, but curiosity, generosity of spirit, and encouragement go a long way. I’ve gained an amazing tribe of loyal, supportive friends/mentors/mentees this way.

This is terrific advice. I worked in an industry I didn’t love and tried to make mentors out of people above me and it back fired. There was a lot of keeping things close to the chest for job security and control. And it was predominantly females that I worked with. Now that I have made a complete career shift and am floating like most other people right now, I look to bloggers (present company included of course :)) and writers I greatly admire for mentorship instead of being intimidated. I even reach out on occasion. Former me would have been too afraid.

I do this all the time with all the areas of my being that need support. In my own head lives the most perfect mother and group of supportive friends who are always there to provide guidance and unconditional love (even if my real life is peopled with some pretty great people). It makes me sound nuts but it really work wonders….and they don’t ever judge my nuttiness.

Wow, this is wonderful advice! I’ve always really treasured having mentors and have found it much harder to do in my professional life as I’ve aged. One thing that has worked really well for me is to find a mentor when engaging in a new or even not-new hobby. I’ve been metal smithing for the last five years and found the most wonderful mentor in the very first class I took. I’ve also been more serious about gardening this year and found a wonderful mentor for that, too!

I love this and have wondered about finding mentors along the way. This is genius, thank you!