Have a Lovely Week/Weekend.

What a beautiful podcast episode by Stephanie Foo (I’m a fan!). Her empathy for the kid is palpable and is a reminder of how tender and true childhood & relationships with parents can be.

“Should we have another child” was better than I expected. I have number 2 squirming around inside me now and I have started wondering… should we have another one? So I expected something different and expected and… and answer but this was much, much better. I cried and laughed. Paul will be there, keeping watch.

Thank you for that sweet, sweet story!

Uncanny timing with the “Should we have more children” article. My husband and I just got our own embryo storage bill- a gift of hope given to us before I needed a stem cell transplant in 2012. We were fresh out of college when a tumor in my neck tried to kill me and the treatment for it threatened our fertility. We froze embryos and eggs and then, miracle upon miracles, I got healthy and we got pregnant twice on our own. Now the embryos sit and wait and I can’t stomach what to do next. I don’t want more children. But how do I let go of something that bright so much comfort and hope to such a trying time?

Alex’s article made me sad about this year all over again. I moved several states away in January 2020 and didn’t have time to make friends to “pod” with. I was able to slowly start making some connections over the summer but those were all put on pause in the fall/winter for one reason or another. It’s been a very isolating experience and I’ve been relying on group texts and video chats from friends across the country to get through the year. My husband has been able to get out and meet people through his job and some outdoor activities but I’m even getting to the point that I resent his ability to do that since I haven’t had the same opportunities.
I’m cautiously optimistic about actually making friends this summer. But damn. I’ve been lonely.

I don’t usually peak back at any of my old comments – but I did this time and I’m so encouraged by everyone’s experiences and advice! It felt oddly vulnerable to write out all of these feelings in a public space, even if the internet gives a bit of a privacy shield. Thank you for sharing everyone – I don’t feel quite so alone in this anymore.

That Kate Suddes essays (“Should We Have Another Baby”) was so moving and sad that I went to her website and read all her other essays. Thanks for sharing <3

Re: the hoarding piece–I used to think clutter was romantic, artistic, harmless character quirk. But in retrospect I realized that my parents messiness (I didn’t even realize they were too messy when I was younger) and subsequently my own was an expression of mental clutter, lack of planning, lack of self-awareness, lack of care. To take charge of something so mundane as your domestic space can be an expression of personal integrity, care, and responsibility. You can go too far to the other side and become a control freak, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. It just astounds me how many clues and answers to a person’s soul lie in plain sight.

Regarding the hoarding and “stuff”, my parents had a huge storage cargo container that recently had to be emptied. Inside it were boxes from my childhood, as 20+ years ago they moved out of the house I grew up in and at the time I was 20 and across the country in college. So items from when I played with dolls all the way through (tortuous) high school were in there. There was also stuff from my parents’ childhood/teenage years too, and even items from their parents/grandparents.

Going through those boxes was rough. I looked at all that “stuff” and my immediate reaction was “get rid of it, who cares”…..but then we’d open a box, and I’d see something from my childhood (like this peachy-pink fancy Barbie dress) and it brought to me a FEELING. I remembered that dress! Or a commemorative wall plaque from when I was Jr Commodore at our sailing club, complete with picture of 13 year old teased bangs / braces wearing me (omg, put that away/don’t look!).

Anyways, my parents and I pulled out some of the stuff to save, and the rest was left for discard. I told my sister to go by and look through it, as there was a looming deadline when everything would be discarded. By the time she went to look a few weeks after me, I had texted her a little list of items to grab for me. I was so weird, as after I left there were things I thought “I should have grabbed that or this”…..she went by, and pulled out even more boxes for me that she thought I might want, or thought I had missed.

It took me a few weeks to sift through those additional boxes. I hastily pared down the contents, and brought home one box – when I got home and walked through the garage with that box, I just left it on a bookcase – not meaning to store it there, meaning to “go through it later”. It’s been over three weeks and I haven’t touched it (even though there a few harlequin dolls that I saved from when I collected them as a teen – they are fabulous in that 90s-retro way) – but it just feels so heavy. I’m wondering why it feels heavy, and since it does feel heavy, I’m wondering why I’m keeping that stuff.

So yeah, stuff is weird, and old/historical/sentimental stuff is even weirder. Am I giving it power by just having it? Two months ago I had no idea about this stuff, never thought about it, never really knew about it……now I have to think about how it WAS there, I had to DEAL with it, did I deal with it ENOUGH (was I too quick to throw items away?), but then is the stuff I did deal with bringing me any joy/GOOD feelings?

Weird. It’s just all so weird.

Long time reader here. Just wanted to say that when I saw your sweet mom hugging your sweet Anton, tears started streaming. I’m so happy for you all. Thanks for sharing. In the midst of a year of devastating loss, seeing their smiling faces elicited a sense of joy I haven’t experienced in a long time. So much love.

Loved the piece by Alex! So wise and comforting! <3 Thank you

I’m so sorry, but the question of ANOTHER child just breaks my heart. My endometriosis uterus is crying so hard I can barely breath. I’m sorryz

Hip hip HURRAY! Have a wonderful time with your mom❤️❤️❤️

Hoppy Easter, everybunny! My family didn’t grow up celebrating really except for the yearly egg hunt. It seems like a highly anticipated holiday for Catholics, though.

I noticed something odd at work recently, we have a small team and only one male co-worker and he is Muslim. He has told us he doesn’t drink or eat pork. I therefore CRINGE every time someone jokes or talks about having wine in their coffee cup, or going on about having a drink after work. To me, it feels very disrespectful. I recently mentioned, with no explanation, that I also do not drink (or eat meat or gamble – he and I have that in common!) and still our colleagues continue to carry on talking about drinking. Recently, a 3rd place prize for a charity draw was a bottle of tequila – he won and accepted it gracefully. No one batted an eye or offered to swap. My sister told me it’s similar to people who drink coffee talking about drinking coffee in front of people who don’t – therefore, I should get over it. But when someone has moral/religious reasons for abstaining from alcohol to me it seems like a microaggression and not inclusive (or professional) workplace behaviour to have everyone talking about drinking all the time.

All this to say, my coworkers were VERY weird about Easter. They made sure to instead say, “Happy spring” or qualify any Easter statements. He shared a funny story about how much his wife loves chocolate eggs, so I don’t think he feels left out of any Easter conversation. I just think people are missing the point when they fear offending by mentioning dominant Christian holidays. That’s not being inclusive. Saying Happy Easter AND Eid Mubarak is being inclusive! Giving people time off for Ramadan is inclusive! Respecting someone’s choices and not leaving them out of conversations is inclusive!

“A Perfectly Kept House is The Sign of a Misspent Life” by Mary Randolph Carter. I love this book. There is beauty in the “parade of things” that follow us through life.

I have been reading Alex’s work on the NY Times and never made the connection. I loved the Seth Rogen piece, my favorite part being ““Of all the people who get told they look like me,” he said, “you might look the most like me.” Nice!

Thank you for the article about deciding whether or not to have another child. I’m 38 and going through this right now. We have one daughter who is 4.5 now and we feel like it’s now or never. She was conceived naturally, but I had a nightmare pregnancy and delivery. It would not be safe for me to get pregnant again so we would have to have a gestational carrier. I have so many feelings surrounding this. And I am trying to honestly answer this question: Do I want a second child or do I want my daughter to have a sibling? I recognize how privileged I am to be able to afford all that this would entail as well. I just am not sure what to do and feel like time is running out. I tend to put off making decisions until the decision is basically made because I’ve waited too long. Anyone else going through something similar?

Enjoy your weekend! Small request to include content warning on child loss articles, please! I’m a wreck.

Should we have another child is a beautiful piece. It’s a question I now ask myself retrospectively, I always wanted 4 but had 3.

As a child (and grandchild) of a hoarder, the related article here resonated so loudly. I appreciate the author expressing what I’ve struggled to: that my habits keep people out.

My hoarding tendencies come from generations of going without, from women left by their men to work and raise children alone. We’re savers. We might need that someday. Sometime when I want to sew/craft/store something, we’ll have just what we need. And we won’t have to ask anyone for help.

Exploring this for myself over the past year has allowed me to see how unhappy I am, how much I live in fear of want, and how much I need my husband to carry his own weight.

Enjoy the visit with your Mom. My oldest daughter hadn’t been home in over a year, and she stayed a week, and her boyfriend came at the end of the week. It was the best visit ever!

Thank you so much for the link to “should we have another child”. That question for many is talked about so easily as though they hold the power to decide. As someone who has gone through infertility and then IVF to have my two babies, the question is complicated and doesn’t feel at all in my hands. All this to say, I feel less alone in this question since reading the article, so thank you.

I was sure this was an April Fool’s joke (is it Friday?! I mean anything is possible these days!!) but then I read your note. Have a wonderful weekend! I suggest the rest of us M-F slugs knock off early, too! Happy April to everyone!

Hope you’re having a wonderful hooky time with your Mom! The “Should We Have another Child” essay was interesting to read, thank you. I haven’t read that experience before.

“Should we have another child” was a beautiful shared and heartfelt piece. It resonates so much with me and our family. These are questions I feel like I will always be asking myself.

crying big fat alligator tears over the should we have another baby. I feel the authors pain in my very core. I am chasing the ghost of a child(ren) and so far have 4 babies in my lap and 5 in heaven. Will I ever feel complete, I doubt it, actually I know I won’t. We cannot even have the conversation with what to do with out frozen embabies.