As a New Mom, How Do You Keep Your Personal Identity?

Um. Thank you for this. It is perfect and timely and true. As a mom of 2 who feels like I’m drowning, this was a great reminder. Who am I really? Besides a mom? I’m going to take a minute and think. And I have to say, I hustled home from my walk this morning with my son to get my greek yogurt with strawberries and honey and granola, I was so happy that I had a little pleasure waiting for me at home, it IS the best breakfast!

If anything, I think once I became a mom it helped me find my identity. In my 20s I was absorbed with work, socializing, I didn’t really know myself. I had my kids at 31 and 35 (with a divorce in the middle) and during that time really slowed down and learned more about myself. I had less time, so I had to think hard about how I wanted to spend it – intimate dinners with friends instead of large group gatherings, cooking, reading, yoga, long walks on forest trails, photography. My style also evolved to be more relaxed and better suit my new, laid back vibe.

Im a mom of 2 little kids and totally relate to this. I recently signed up for two different types of latin dance: it was time to do something just for myself, and to do something just for fun without worrying about being good at it. It gets me out of the house, forces me to meet new people I’d never meet otherwise without my super extroverted parter (which is kind of a crutch in social situations!). I’ve started going to social dances and am now part of this amazing community of people who love to dance. I cant worry about the kids when im dancing, because im counting the beat — im so present, its exhilirating! It makes ne feel sensual and free and social and I am so damn proud of myself for getting out there!

I’m no longer a new mom (my boys are 6 and 10) – although it always feels new as they grow and change over time and new challenges arise! This is an interesting post to read and consider as I’m now in my early 40s and I too feel embarrassed or even perturbed by the idea that there is a time in our lives where we can “know who we are” so confidently. There are certainly more rocks that I recognize as solid parts of me to lean on, but they are always changing a little or a lot through experience and therapy, and there are also new little pebbles unearthed all the time, like your beautiful list of tethers. As we are (hopefully!) always growing as we encounter new situations, learn how to do things, meet new people, build and maintain relationships, and learn from our mistakes, how could we ever get to a point where we are something so certain? Rather than putting pressure on myself now to feel some sort of extra confidence or certainty about who I am, I’m personally finding comfort in seeing this time of motherhood and middle age as a time of ongoing discovery – totally different than the times of discovery during my teenage years and 20s, but still ongoing in a similar way – and that it’s ok and maybe even good to not hold on to all “parts” of myself or not know exactly who the heck I am!

I’m 9 weeks postpartum and feel like myself more than ever, somehow. I think I’d been walking around with low grade depression for a long time and having a baby brought me more into the moment and seeing the joy in little things.

I absolutely love to share my hobbies with the baby already, such as playing classical music while nursing or reading him books. I also take time for myself to take baths and occasionally go to yoga. I’m only working part time and my husband is still on leave, so this does make it easier to take time for ourselves as well as enjoy family time.

I’m not going to lie, THIS is my biggest hold back in regards to having a 3rd child. My daughter and son are 22 months apart and let’s be real there was no return to self during that process. We always talked about 3 and keeping the spacing similar but at our “deadline” to decide, we gave ourselves an additional year to think it through. Now my son is 2 and the time to decide has come (I don’t want to entirely leave the baby phase if I’m going to do it all again). But I feel like I’m finally seeing glimpses of ME again! I’m sleeping full nights. I’m exercising regularly. I’m reading books! I have to imagine that if we went for a 3rd, I’d eventually come back to myself again but all I hear from people is how going from 2-3 is just madness? So I don’t know!! I like ME! I like myself! But will I regret NOT having a 3rd in the future when it all goes so quickly anyway? I think so? But I don’t know! This is my mental conundrum on a loop constantly….

Thank you for this Jannelle! My husband and I are expecting our first baby girl at the end of this year and I am also on the brink of 30. I see so much of myself in this piece. This season has brought up so many conversations between the two of us about what kind of parents we will be and whether or not we’ll be able to find solace in our current hobbies and passions. Regardless of what lies ahead, wearing large gold hoops will forever be a simple pleasure of mine too.

Blasting 80s hair ballads and singing along. Loud, proud, and out of tune.
“I Remember You” by Skid Row is always at the top of my list.

I’m 52 and my kids are 17 and 20. I was home with them for a lot of years because my supportive, egalitarian husband travels a ton for work. It was hard sometimes but it was worth it because it gave us the family life we wanted and our marriage and kids have thrived.

Just as I was dipping my toe back into the working world, my mother started showing signs of dementia, which presented first as depression and anxiety. We now know it’s Alzheimer’s and, while she is in memory care, I manage finances, shopping, medical appointments as well as her emotional support needs. After she had a bad fall last winter and a worsening of her dementia symptoms, I gave up all paid and volunteer work. My daughter’s college search was spooling up and I needed to be present for her. But it was hard to let go of the tiny bit of autonomy I had begun to construct for myself.

Now, on top of everything else, I spend hours on the phone and in person each week trying to calm an 85 year-old woman who doesn’t recognize her surroundings. And I’ll admit that when people tell me to “Be sure to make time for yourself,” I want to scream. I know it is meant with love and kindness, but it also can feel like yet another important thing I’m failing to get done.

I’ve always been a writer, but now it feels like the stories I have to tell belong to somebody else and aren’t really mine at all. The dementia is my mother’s journey, not mine. Any my kids are mostly adults now. It’s hard to write about my life as a mother without feeling like I’m overstepping.

In an optimistic moment I signed up for a creative writing class at the local university. It is taking every ounce of will I possess not to drop the class. What if I find myself in a room full of 19 year-olds, feeling old and foolish and totally out of place? What if my mom has another health crisis and I don’t have time to do the work? Worst of all what if I just don’t have anything to say anymore? The well feels pretty dry.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m going and construct a sort of on-ramp for the journey that will begin when my daughter goes to college and my mom is not longer here. But it’s a bit like looking at a map with no roads marked on it and trying to reach a destination I’ve never heard of.

We are in the process of moving back to my hometown & it is kicking up a little reunion of all the people I have been so far.

I took a walk in the museum where I took my oldest baby as an infant. She is 6 now. When she was new, I would stroll the galleries, nurse her on the large sofas across from great works of art and duck into the marble bathrooms for a diaper change.

I was on alert, like I was meeting someone. I realized that I was expecting to bump into myself. And I was excited to see me. I got a little teary & proud and curious about how to be as excited to be with myself now.

Art, man. What a gift.

I love this journal for new parents, New Beginnings. Helps to have the daily prompts & reflection questions to get to know yourself while immersed in parenting a little one :) https://www.amazon.com/New-Beginnings-journal-reflection-self-discovery/dp/B0941NHTLM

Childhood friends! My niece recently graduated from high school and my sister invited two of our our oldest friends to her party. I realized after spending the day together that it was the most me I’ve felt socializing in a long time. We are all parents but our connection isn’t about our kids like so many of our newer friendships are. We love catching up on each other’s kids but we have so much more to talk (and laugh) about.

I was just writing to myself to articulate some of this. Can I share some of what is in my constantly evolving document?

My values: freedom, being of use, learning and curiosity. Kindless and flexibility.

and;

My goals: a loving, secure family where individuals are thriving together and as individuals.

and;

My habits: walking, meditating, writing. Enjoying sensuality each day (this is in the broad sense).

I try to not be in the mindset of “damn I didnt meditate” but rather “damn, i really enjoyed those sweet potato fries…”

I made loose goals, about saving money, or potential new career avenues; and also about evolution I’d like to see (and make) within my marriage.

Right now is a quiet period career wise, as I gear up to give birth to my second, and I’m sure final, child. Just today I am drafting an email turning down a consultancy opportunity that I would jump toward usually, but, I am accepting and honoring that I am 8 months pregnant and dont want to spend the last month sweating mentally.

I recognize and honor that so much of this will shift.

When my first child was born, I began considering this exact question. I had been a runner for much of my life (I have a deep sense that I was born to run! I love it!), but had let go of that part of myself about five years prior. And while I was ready and grateful to be a mom, I didn’t want to lose myself solely in this new identity.
So, I decided to train for and run the Big Sur Marathon, along Highway One in California. I took along a disposable camera and had spectators or other runners take pictures: me next to the piano man at Mile 13, crashing waves in the distance. Me at mile marker 20 – the furthest I’d ever run before. Me next to the ladies that pass out handfuls of fresh strawberries to the runners at mile 23. And me, with tears of joy, holding my red-cheeked one year old baby at the finish. I was so proud that I had met such a challenge with confidence and an awareness of the goodness of the journey along the way.
Turns out this is a good way to run the race of life, too.

If you like immigrant stories and haven’t seen it already, check out the series Little America (on Apple TV). So good

This is a tough one for the people pleasers! How would you all deal with it?

I feel giddy knowing I have all of these wonderful comments to read through.

Things/people/places/moments that remind me of me:

– Listening to music late at night in bed (preferably with headphones)
– Talking on the phone with family
– Exercising/jogging and then stretching!
– Cooking and baking
– Singing
– Hair bangs and a cozy sweater in fall (I am growing mine out because it’s high maintenance and HOT in TX but I feel most like myself with some sort of bang)
– Prayer
– Laughing and being weird/silly <3

I wish my list was more poetic and specific :)

Hot Tip from our couples’ therapist: My husband and I have a 1.5 year old daughter. We each take one weeknight a week “off” from childcare duties; no dinner, no playtime, no bathtime, no bedtime. The other parent is fully in charge for that whole evening. I get Wednesday, he gets Thursday.

We’ve only been doing it for a month or so, but it’s FANTASTIC and I wish we had started earlier. It’s incredible to get that unstructured time back. I’ve met up with friends, had a manicure, eaten takeout sushi in the backyard with a glass of wine, gone for a long walk, curled up in bed with a book at 7:30pm. My husband has spent his evenings tinkering in the garage, watching a movie, and grabbing a beer with a buddy. And because it’s reciprocal, we can do all of those things without that nagging mom guilt. We were hesitant to do it at first (Wouldn’t we miss bedtime kisses? What if baby gets upset?), but it has been 100% amazing. If it sounds good to you, give it a try!

What do I do for fun / me is my question of the summer.

I became a stepmom last year. It took me about 6 months to realize that a lot of what I was experiencing a New Mom Journey. All of a sudden there was a new human whose needs and moods and desires I was learning. Whose bedtime routine dominated my evenings. Whose food preferences shifted my cooking. Whose nightmares and snuggles and whimsy permeated most parts of my life.

It took me a long time to work up the courage to say, “I am a new parent,” because I didn’t think I deserved that title. I spent a year asking, How Can I parent this small human? How do we become a family? And I stopped asking, What do I do for me. It impacted my relationship with my kid, my partner, and myself.

So now, in addition to molding my day around her preferred routines and foods, I am also finding ways to add in my own. Those include:
– A Bedtime Walk – I go on a walk as her dad does bedtime stories and rituals
– Swimming Laps (often while my partner and kid splash in the pool)
– Ecstatic Dance
– A pescatarian diet
– One day a weekend with a friend
– Listening to my music (no more moana in the car!)
– Speaking in Spanish at home.

The biggest gift is realizing how doing things for me at times includes my family. I think that is the biggest gift, is realizing the five and take goes both ways.

Here are some thing

I haven’t read any of the comments yet, so I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. My suspicion is that it’s such an individual perspective and journey in terms of what your identity is. I struggled with being home with my daughter when I took maternity leave for a semester (teacher), after we came home from adopting her. I’m not cut out to be a stay at home mom, but I have a number of friends who not only couldn’t wait, but were phenomenal at it. I, on the other hand, sent out a very desperate email to all the moms I knew, after my husband went back to work, asking them to literally share with me a full hour by hour breakdown of their day spent with their children because I didn’t know what to do. My daughter is 17 now, those early days seem both not so long ago, and a lifetime ago. All that to say, I have redefined my identity multiple times over the years, probably even BEFORE I became a parent, but most definitely it seemed less abstract when I became a parent, especially as a special needs parent. Some things have not changed; I still love and continue to teach, making art is like breathing for me. But I have had to make some changes along the way, adaptations, and now I realize that that being flexible is a huge part of my identity. I doesn’t really answer any questions, but that’s how I’ve been dealing with my identity… oh, and a few tattoos that have marked milestone birthdays that homage to my family name, my place of birth, and my daughter.

I felt lonely after having kids, especially during the pandemic. It is SO HARD to leave the kids and hang out with friends. The guilt! But connecting with friends and just being *me* makes SUCH a difference. So, I invited five women to start a cookbook club. That way, it was on the calendar and I was accountable to them. It has given me so much joy and belonging in an otherwise lonely season. Friends bring you back to yourself.

Who you are is more than just the roles you hold. You are something innate outside of any profession or relationship to someone else. And HELL yes you can still wear crop tops and be as glam as you want

For me it is experimenting in the kitchen and walking in the woods. And listening to certain songs. My daughter is three now and at the beginning there was definitely a period when I felt like I had lost myself. But these days I feel like I am growing in ways that I would never have if I hadn’t become a mother. Which I am grateful for, even though the growth is sometimes coupled with realising painful truths about myself.

This is so honest and wonderful, and as always, love reading the comments!

When I was pregnant with my first, someone told me, “remember, kids come into your life, not the other way around,” and my husband and I would try our best to remember that in the early days of diapers and sleepless nights. Once we were out of the newborn haze and we missed the “old life” sometimes, we found ways to incorporate our children into our lifestyle as much as we realistically could. We both work in the arts, so they have both come to exhibition openings since they were tiny, we love music, so they’ve been to concerts and festivals with us, we love seafood, so now have two little ones with an adorable but expensive oyster habit (sort of regret that one). Now at 4 and 8 years old, we have two small buddies who are my favorite people to go gallery hopping or excitedly open a new record with. I said something about a “show” the other day and my son replied, “like, a television show or a show at a museum?” LOL <3

Oh this is so hard! I’m a new mom and a pianist, and have been playing piano (mostly) daily since I was in preschool. Now in my 30s, I basically didn’t TOUCH the piano for 5 months postpartum. It feels really weird, but also there is joy in rediscovering something you love with fresh eyes, or even discovering new things as you age too!