How to Help a Stoic Kid Open Up About Feelings

Thank you so much for sharing this intimate story. What a gentle way to help him speak about his emotions. Wow. I am not a mother, but am an elementary school teacher and helping kids identify and talk about their feelings by far is the hardest and the most important job any adult can do for the little ones. We often forget how confusing big emotions can be when we first experience them. What I have done with the students in my class is watching the child closely and see how they communicate. Sometimes, I would encourage them to draw their feelings, or we would go for a walk (without words). The very act of doing something else but to talk about their feelings is sometimes the way in. In the end, all people (kids and adults!) want to feel safe and cared for. Luckily kids are pretty frank if they don’t want to talk about it. We need to listen more closely.

I love this idea and will be adding it to our tool kit! My daughter used to be barely willing to admit she had feelings, let alone be able to talk about them (she would tell her therapist she felt, “Okay. Not bad or good. Just, you know, normal. Okay.” But she was also not stoic – she would flip her lid regularly and we wouldn’t understand or know what to do. One of the things that has helped tremendously has been to use drawing – when she gets upset, I’ll hand her some paper and markers and she’ll a) calm down enough to draw and b) draw how she is feeling and often then explain the drawing. I also discovered Elise Gravel’s book, Doodle Your Emotions (I think that’s the title) a few weeks ago and LOVE it for opening up conversations about how different emotions feel to her or what she thinks about them or what meaning she attributes to them.

As a grown woman, I still have a hard time talking about my feelings. This made me well up — what a beautiful and loving approach!! Thank you for sharing.

This is great it gives them their space and time to open up. I love this strategy will definitely encourage my parents to try this and I can definitely use this with my g-nephew when he tells me he’s angry mind you he’s only 3 soon to be 4.

beautiful. this is mothering.

Thank you for this! I have a similar little guy, same age,who is sweet as pie but really struggles dealing with his emotions. I’m totally going to try this next time (which will probably be tonight, ugh)!

This is amazing! My little one is happy to talk about his feelings but often can’t let the bad feelings go. Any tricks for that?!

Thank you!!! I used this today!! My 4 year old was in a major funk-just yelling at everything I suggested we do. “I don’t want to do anything! That’s boring!” And so on. I said, hmmm instead of yelling, maybe you could knock once if you want to go for a walk, knock twice if you want to ride your scooter, etc. IT WORKED!! And now he wants to knock for everything- what he wants for breakfast, what he wants to wear- LOL.

What wonderful parenting! Thank you for sharing this, Joanna. These parts of raising kids can be so hard, and I love hearing new ideas.

We trade notes under the closed door :)

I have a soft spot for car chats. My dear friend in grad school and I would often have our best convos sitting side by side in her car at the end of the night. We actually started calling them, “Volvo Confessions.” We always knew that a quick drop-off would end up being an hour longer parked in my driveway. My heart fills whenever I see an old school Volvo driving around.

Sounds familiar, my daughter found it hard to talk sometimes as well. She would hide under her blanket and then I would ask questions, she gave little hints, so one word or just a little movement. From there we took baby steps towards the thing she wanted to say. I always thougth this was cute.

Not sure if this helps, but we play a game at dinner called what’s the “rose” of your day and what’s the “thorn” of your day (found this in a parenting article). I think it allows my children to look back and see what made them happy and to also identify trickier parts of the day. It becomes a daily exercise (and sharing technique) that slowly gets them to see inward. The ability to hear what other family members found challenging and upsetting provides context for emotions as well.

My son is a teenager, and has been very tight-lipped about his feelings and emotions. We went on many walks during the pandemic when school and work happened at home, and he opened up to me casually, came out as gay and asked for mental health help. And yes, it’s so much easier when you are not looking each other into the eye while talking, and when it’s casual like a walk or a drive in the car.

This is so sweet!
I’m struggling with my 5.5 year old. He’s good at talking about his feelings but lately he just cries and freaks out over the smallest things (and no, no big changes in our lives or routine), to the point where he has waaaay more tantrums than our 2 year old. I’m trying to gently teach him it’s okay to have big feelings, but it’s important to control our reactions. I worry he’s going to be bullied at school for crying all the time. I’m surrounded by gentle parents but the schoolyard can still be a mean place! Hard to navigate respecting and nurturing a sensitive soul while trying to protect/prepare them for the real world. Anyone else?

This was great to read. My husband and I find often the hardest conversations with our daughter are better broached while doing an activity together then just sitting down and trying to talk. For a long time she would physically hold back her tears because she had such a negative idea about crying. She lets the tears spill more easily now when she needs to, which I just love to see.

Also I have to say I giggled at the “knock once for yes and twice for no” because I immediately thought of table knocking during seances during the late 1800s. (I’m a journalist and recently wrote a story about a seance re-enactment and this is exactly what they did!)

One of my two boys has a hard time talking about his feelings to me, but he has no problem explaining them to “Stinky” our monkey puppet. When we have lots of tears / yelling, we let things simmer down a bit, then Stinky will ask whats up and offer some empathy/ideas for next time. Can’t recommend the puppet solution enough for young kids (mine are 2 and 5).

My father once said of me ‘She just doesn’t talk about things’ and he was right. I’ve always had difficulties disscussing things when I’m upset. It’s hard to look at someone and bare your soul. Doesn’t mean we don’t want to, just means we can’t do it while you’re looking at us. But if you give me something entirely different to focus on, I tend to open up. Something physical is best, like walking or doing the dishes, shopping for books, something mindlessly physical.

This is a good idea! I’m a teacher & I have students like this. I may adapt it to use hand signals though, since we’re at school:) Joanna, your honesty about parenting continues to be so refreshing. My kids are grown now, but I can only imagine how difficult it is having little kids and being bombarded with perfect images & stories all the time (on other blogs, Instagram, etc.).

This is incredible, Jo, so tender – so appreciated.

Not a mom, but this gave me full-body, cozy chills. I may actually see if this helps my 56 yr old husband open up? Anything is worth a try, right?

That made me think of something I read somewhere that is genius. When you’re in the car with your kid (specially teenagers), the fact of looking in front of you, and not at each other, make it easier to them to listen and talk about their feelings and getting into the hard stuff to talk about.

“ It’s so hard to be little, and these kids do such a great job growing every day.” LOVE THIS. Just so true. How tough would it be to always have somebody telling you when to go to bed, when it’s time to leave, no to the treat you desperately want.

I wanted to leave a comment yesterday but every time I tried, I’d start weeping all over again! This is just the sweetest post. From one boy mom to another, this makes my heart so, so happy.

Oh Joanna you‘re such a lovely mama! I am a longtime reader, but first comment ever. I can totally relate to Antons struggle to open up, when feeling overwhelmed. The way you are parenting is so respectful and loving. Ah I am not a native speaker so, if there should be any mistake…