Rebecca, that is so cute!

when i was three and my grandmother asked me what i wanted for christmas i said “i could really use a little black skirt”. i’ve loved clothes and style for as long as i can remember and i still do! i consider personal style a hobby – including the history of clothing which is endlessly fascinating.

I also think it’s important to try to understand what our grandmothers and mothers motivation was for some of the “hurtful”comments they made to us when we were little girls. My mother reminds me that my grandma grew up in an extremely poor family and tried her whole life to try to climb out of poverty- and it was always very important to her that we dressed in a manner that she felt conveyed we were “appropriate”. Its very acceptable now to go out in leisure wear- but 20-40 years ago, culture was so different, and being accepted into certain circles was largely based on how you dressed, ect. Giving our moms/grandmas grace in how we view some of their comments is needed because we don’t understand the motivation. Its so great now that we have some understanding and a different perspective as we raise our daughters.

Anon — I love your philosophy! This feels like such a great middle ground. Can you say more about this? Has your daughter pushed back much? Have you ever had difficulty explaining to her why it’s appropriate some places vs. others? Do you let her have a say in all clothes you buy for her?

Robin, this made me tear up. When I was 17, I needed a white dress for a specific school-related event, and, unusually, I ended up shopping for this dress with both parents. The one I liked best was a tad short and my dad made a small noise about it. My mom, who on her own probably would have had the same opinion and vetoed the dress, said that I looked lovely and I should enjoy it. I’ve never forgotten that remark.

I don’t have the answer to this but in our house the amount of fabric/coverage has no relation to “appropriate.”

Instead appropriate relates to appropriate for the occassion. So if my 10yo is going to junior lifeguards then a one piece is appropriate. If she is going to a pool day than we are fine with a skimpy bikini (and lots of sunscreen).

Crop tops are fine with us if they are appropriate for the setting. They are not allowed at school so they are not appropriate. They are appropriate (for us) for other outings. They are not appropriate for great grandma’s house because we are her guest and she is not a fan but if GGMa comes to our house then crop tops are fine because this is our house.

If other people sexualize our tween daughter because of her clothing choices that is there gross problem but we also need to ensure our daughter has the tools to deal with those people. Additionally, it is important (to us) that we don’t put value on her body for being pretty or (in the future) sexy and instead value it for what it can do.

We do talk about misogyny and how clothes can impact the way that people view or treat us but we encourage her to make her own choices about what she is comfortable facing. I am certain we are getting lots of it wrong but that’s where we are in our house. We just don’t put a lot of value on appearance and hope that trickles down.