Ask Erica: “Is There Such a Thing as Ethical Porn?”

BRAVO! Seriously. Truly.

This is such a great topic, thank you for covering this.

No one is forcing you to watch porn. Some people love it, some people don’t, it can be healthy and it can be unhealthy, just like everything else. If you do watch porn, might as well watch the ethical kind, which is what this article is about. If you don’t, move along :)
Thank you CoJ for the great article and resources! Keep it up. xx

Recommendation for Erika Lust porn here. Definitely high standards and one of the few female entrepreneurs in the ethical porn industry.

I have been in a relationship with a women for a long time but I have recently come to accept I am more interested in sex with men.

Friends say it’s like riding a bike BUT what tips would you have for a woman who was looking to get more comfortable having straight sex?

I have no issue in how to pleasure myself but would love some tips/resources like the ones posted here but more aimed at maximising male pleasure.

I love Erica Chidi Cohen and I love this post and I love Joanna and CoJ. Thank you for this, you are doing great work! oxoxoox

Thank you for this post! I have been thinking about ethical/feminist porn lately, and it’s surprisingly hard to find. It’s also not talked about enough, so I appreciate Cup of Jo for using its platform to start these important conversations. The desire to view porn is totally normal, but the mainstream industry is geared towards male pleasure, which I’ve found makes it inaccessible to women. As a feminist, I’m deeply disturbed by the way the industry discounts female pleasure and portrays women as sexual objects. But there ARE people making ethical porn, that represents all pleasure. My hope is that someday all porn will look like that. For now, the site Belessa.co is a good one to check out. It’s a porn company run by women, and a good portion of its content consists of actual couples having loving, consensual, pleasurable sex.

Reading these comments is so interesting! ANYTHING has the potential to become an addiction as many have already mentioned because of different traumas we have each experienced in our lives and upbringings and different voids we are trying to fill. I grew up very religious and, while some parts of that religion have likely positively shaped me, I now have to do a lot of work to unpack all the shame, fear, secrecy, homophobia, and gendered beliefs I was raised to believe about sex and sexuality. As many have also already mentioned, porn can be consumed mindfully and non-compulsively by many individuals and couples and yet it can, of course, be addictive and debilitating to others. So the porn itself isn’t usually the issue, it’s the fact that some people can end up feeling like porn is the ONLY way to meet a need or numb a trauma which then develops into an addiction. In my opinion, the culture of shame and secrecy that our country (which was very much shaped by religion) has around sex, sexual exploration, consent, and desire can lead to addictive and shame-filled behaviors around sex and porn. Maybe the lack of quality sex education, openness, and honesty about sex that many receive from their families, communities, churches, and schools paired with the hyper-sexualized expectations of a lot of media lead to many people turning to porn to explore their sexuality? But of course, instead of being met with love and understanding and being encouraged to ask questions and explore their sexuality (huge kudos to OMGyes.com for encouraging education and sex-positivity!) people often react with fear tactics and shame and judgment which perhaps drives them toward more secret addictive sexual behaviors? Many people explore their sexuality without porn, but I do think it’s something people often discover when they are exploring and curious about sex and their sexuality. I have been encouraged by all of the shifts and movements that I have seen over the last few years (mostly led by womxn!) to open up the conversation about sexuality and people’s different experiences. This post by the cupofjo team is not trying to convince you to use porn if you’re not interested, but it is trying to open up the conversation and unpack some of the issues in this industry and offer ethical alternatives. It’s bringing something to the light that a lot of people feel uncomfortable with and I love that! Everyone should feel empowered to make the best decisions for themselves, but educating yourself and opening yourself up to hearing about other people’s experiences is always valuable and not dangerous (like I was led to believe in my religion). If it makes you uncomfortable, sit with it and grapple with it and talk about it in a respectful and nonjudgemental way. Shaming or scaring people has rarely changed someone’s opinion.

Whoa. Sorry to say it, but the comments here are just highlighting how religious bias can make some people (some – not saying all) incapable of rational debate or listening to other viewpoints. Of course porn can be addictive. So can alcohol. So can food. So can exercise.
Do we never mention wine, for that reason? Do we never share recipes, for that reason?
Do we always follow up mention of those topics with blinkered judgement and shut-down anyone who does perhaps enjoy those things in what feels like a healthy way to them?
Of course we don’t – that would be absurd.
Ps. For the record, I’m not really into porn. But that’s no one else’s business (just as your sex life is none of mine) and not something I’m here to explain, but it definitely sounds like good news is ‘ethical porn’ exists.

Sex should be celebrated! But Joanna I am so disappointed in you. You are an Incredibly intelligent and educated woman. How could you possibly post about “benefits of porn” when there are so many studies of the harm porn causes relationships and to the viewer. Porn destroys families, marriages, relationships, it is an epidemic. Shame on you Joanna. You know better. I’ve been reading and loving you and your blog for over 8 years. Do better Joanna. This is unacceptable.

I feel conflicted about porn in general, but I think any efforts to steer folks toward ethical porn are very positive.

Just my personal experience, but it really does fly in the face of those speaking against any porn at all: I suffer from addictions, yet porn is not addictive for me. At all. I go weeks and sometimes months without looking. The same things that bothered me the very first time I looked, still bother me years later. Harder, more violent, whatever, still a hard no from me. I still like the things I liked from the first. I still look at the same sites which are obviously exclusively adult, diverse and consentual. My relationship with my husband hasn’t changed at all. I still think about him when I’m with him. He still turns me on. Sex is still very loving and satisfying. I don’t look at anyone in a more sexualized way. I do experience better sleep and less anxiety after orgasms though, no matter how I have them.

I know everyone’s experiences are different, but I have a hard time buying into many of these arguments when my own experience is so completely different. Is porn bad for some people and their relationships? Indeed. Is it terrible for everyone? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Now opioids, there’s an addiction problem that’s hurting us all.

The heteronormativity in so many of these comments saddens me. Why are we assuming that the partner is male? And in what ways does and doesn’t the partner’s gender matter?

As someone who realized later in life that I am not straight, I am so thankful that ethical–and queer!–porn exists. It allowed me to reimagine what sex could look like and be like. It allowed me to actually recognize who I am attracted to. And in a world that is so heteronormative, I desperately needed that.

Hmmm, the post was about ethical porn. I don’t recall so many negative comments when CofJ team wrote an article about masterbation and vibrators. I wonder how many who respond so negatively actually masterbate and run imaginary images in their minds. Porn is a stimulant for some and an addiction for others. Rather than ban all porn there should be regulation of what is posted in the Web, and help information attached so people who are finding themselves addicted can seek help.

It seems pretty obvious that someone who read the article is associated with this mormon-founded organization fightthenewdrug and notified other people there so they could spam the comments with dozens of similar ‘personal anecdotes’, scathing remarks, and endorsements of their organization. Whether or not those stories are true, and I am certainly aware that there are negative aspects of the pornography industry, I just want to add my voice as someone who appreciates this content appearing on the blog. I’ve been reading COJ for a decade and am always happy to see new avenues you take to provide thoughtful information for your readers. It’s also great to hear from a diverse group of female experts on issues that matter to me. This is an article I can see myself passing along to friends and revisiting in the future with a partner.

I have to respectfully disagree with some of the commenters. My husband and I are happily married and occasionally enjoy watching porn as part of our sex life. As a feminist, I’m overjoyed to have some resources I can rest easy are ethical. Porn is clearly not for everyone and I respect those who choose to abstain but to insinuate that no one can watch it without needing to get into “harder stuff” is just not true. In our 8 years together our tastes have actually remained fairly consistent. Additionally, I still feel loved, respected, and adored by my husband. To me it’s just some variety that helps keep things fresh. I believe that novelty actually helps us stay together because we aren’t pretending biology isn’t a real thing. Finding other people attractive is normal, and I find that monogamy for us requires good communication and openness about thoughts and feelings and respecting my partner as a whole complex person with his own inner life. Rather than finding that threatening I find it fascinating.

I just don’t get so many of the comments on this topic. My husband and I enjoy watching porn sometimes while having sex. We’ve never had a problem with it, never felt compelled to move onto “harder or weirder” porn or need or want it every time. We are both extremely attracted to each other and it’s never, ever resulted into any negative feelings. I feel very loved by my husband and he always tells me how attracted he is to me etc. but even without the latter, I’ve never minded it all. It’s great when we watch it and it’s also great when we don’t. It has never affected us in any negative way. Just my experience.

Cup of Jo published a post on romance novels a while ago that got lots of positive reader feedback. The comment thread here is so much more contentious! I’ve never been into porn myself, but is it possible that some of it is more in the vein of romance novels?

I’m noticing a strange similarity in some of the negative comments and responses to this post. I’m not saying they are all not legitimate, in-good-faithful CoJ readers ( I fully expect there to be a proportion of people who read this blog to be anti-porn, wanting to discuss that in this open forum, and that’s completely cool), but the similarity in language and tone in a number of comments feels somewhat agenda-driven, likes there’s something more going on here. I’m not sure what that would be, just curious if anyone else noticed that too.

I am sitting here reading these comments like, wow I wonder if Joanna knew what this post would stir up – hahah

Thank you to all who have commented here. This is an upsetting topic for me, as I recently discovered my husband’s porn use. I’m not clutching my pearls, but reflect with genuine mourning as I fit this into the context of our long marriage which has gone sexually dormant. He struggles to ‘respond’ physically (the effects of ‘supernormal stimuli’?). I have struggled to ‘respond’ on some intuitive level (before finding this out about him). He has an addictive personality type, and his interest/use may be even more intense than I am aware of.
Many of the opinions, and the websites mentioned, are helping me articulate to myself what it all means. At a soul level, I don’t like what porn stands for–the fictionalized amplification of ideas that tarnish genuine love.

I’d love to hear what people actually in the porn industry think about ethical porn. We as women don’t want to be objectified, but this is what porn does to people, even if the actors consented and were treated fairly. You’re still looking at another human person purely for your own sexual gratification, which to me means they’re being objectified.

I’m surprised to read so many comments here about the damaging, addictive side of porn, but have never read any comments like this when Jo posts something about indulging in a cocktail, or having a glass of wine. I can think of many, many more people who struggle with alcoholism than porn addiction. It’s important to remember that as adults we are able to judge what and how much of something is healthy, or unhealthy for ourselves, but not for others. What happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own space is non of my business.

I love the conversations happening on this post! Porn isn’t for me, and at first I didn’t like this post for that reason. However, after reading the comments I began to wonder: could promoting ethical porn make way for better porn consumption across the board? Naysayers on here are saying that porn should not be promoted, but it is consumed regardless of what we say on the COJ comments. Wouldn’t we want to promote the most ethical option? Most troubling is that young people can view porn so early on and the free stuff is usually pretty warped. What if we normalized paying for ethical, consenting, porn? I would 100% rather people watched the things on ethical sites than the abusive content that other sites. I think there needs to be a bigger conversation about how we shift people from porn that harms people to consuming porn that is consensual and ethical.

I will give the caveat that as a gay woman, I am so saddened by the way porn has over-sexualized my orientation. The comments I have received are so harmful, largely because men seem to now believe that lesbians/queer women exist for their sexual enjoyment. I’m not sure how porn could solve this – seems like a greater misogyny problem.

Umm… could you do a post on ethical fashion and right after make another by someone else who argues all fashion is bad for society because body issues, consumerism, environment?

(feeling sarcastic.)

Just to for the sake of informing, since so many are pointing to “Fight the New Drug” as a source of non-biased research…

Yes, they call themselves “non-religious,” but a very quick google search yields that the organization was founded by a group of Mormons. While not “formally tied to the LDS church”, I think it’s a connection worth mentioning. Also, one peek at the “meet our team” shows a staff that is 100% white. I wonder if anyone on their staff is queer? Trans? Not as non-biased as they claim….

Here is some of what’s just available on Wikipedia:
“James Hablin of The Atlantic described their approach as “a just-some-of-the-facts approach”, less transparent than an openly ideologically-driven ideology, and noted that evidence for a link between pornography and negative health outcomes was inconclusive. Samantha Allen of The Daily Beast described the group’s message as “rooted in pseudoscience”, criticizing the analogy of porn as a drug as contradictory to neuroscience research. Allen noted the campaign as an example of continued influence by Mormons over social issues, and pointed to the group launching the billboards in San Francisco as evidence of them intentionally targeting socially progressive regions. In an op-ed in The Salt Lake Tribune, a group of sex therapists stated that Fight the New Drug’s leaders and presenters were not mental health nor sexuality professionals and did not have sufficient training to address these subjects appropriately, and noted that a claim by the group, that pornography affects the brain like drugs, is false because pornography does not introduce chemicals into the brain.”

Thanks for considering!