How to Do Anything

Great idea!

I’ll play! I’ve been thinking of Joanna’s “grand canyon trick” a lot lately… but the other post that immediately comes to mind is this one: https://cupofjo.com/2018/04/12/small-kindnesses/. Just reread it and teared up again. Both the original post and the comments are so, so good–life-affirming, really! Have a wonderful vacation, CoJ team!

An excellent idea! I’ve always loved Stella’s writing and this is my favourite post: https://cupofjo.com/2017/10/25/a-secret-to-a-happy-marriage/

I want to play this game!! For some reason I am addicted to reading about Trader Joe’s hacks even though I almost never shop there. These posts of hundreds of recipes feel very soothing to scroll through for distraction on a hard day – and I usually still find inspiration for dinner.

https://cupofjo.com/2022/03/23/trader-joes-meal-hacks/

You did not ask for recommendations, but I will share one anyway. I–raised in an Irish (American) Catholic family and neighborhood–was just in Dublin with my husband–not Irish-Catholic–and we loved the Irish Emigration Museum (EPIC). We both found the experience moving. Me, maybe, more so.

YES! This would be so, so helpful. So much to navigate with blended families.

And so much possibility for beauty.

Joint Custody
By Ada Limón

Why did I never see it for what it was:
abundance. Two families, two different
kitchen tables, two sets of rules, two
creeks, two highways, two stepparents
with their fish tanks or eight tracks or
cigarette smoke or expertise in recipes or
reading skills. I cannot reverse it, the record
scratched and stopping to that original
chaotic track. But let me say, I was taken
back and forth on Sundays and it was not easy
but I was loved each place. And so I have
two brains now. Two entirely different brains.
The one that always misses where I’m not,
the one that is so relieved to finally be home.

Wow Jenny T, that hit me straight in the heart.
Signed, someone who split the week between her parents at a time when it really wasn’t common

I looove this idea!

I’m wrestling with the idea of having a child on my own, since I don’t have a partner and the curse that is a woman’s fertility window is closing, and choosing to be a single parent (and paying a lot of money for the fancy science to try to become one) is such a daunting decision. Would love to hear from anyone who has taken or is contemplating this path.

Haha, same here! I have learned so much, most important lessons were „just add water“ with the kids. And „good for her not for me“ in general. And all the other tipps and discussions – thank you so much for that.
And whenever I am asked where I know that from I say From the American Blog I am reading daily :)

Haha same! My husband, who I sometimes assume isn’t really listening, said the other day “where did you hear that, Cup of Jo?” and I was like oh, you are listening! :)

I second this! I have found many enduring parenthood gems on this blog. And while college-aged kids are still in my family’s future, I think about that future, with the knowledge that we are parenting toward that day. The growing-up transition goes better for some families than others. So I wonder what kinds of attitudes and actions would be helpful for me to start, or at least bear in mind, even now.

But for now: enjoy your vacations, COJ team, and thanks for moderating our comments even during your break!

I would love to add one more category that hits home for me, that is Motherhood Around The World as a parent of children (of all ages) with special needs. Honestly, even with a great support system, it can still feel very lonely at times.

Same! Cannot wait!

Me too!! I’ve spent many an afternoon day dreaming about what my responses would be hahaha

Wow! I hadn’t even put together that this is true for me, too! How fun. Thanks for pointing it out for me. :)

Me too! My baby is 8 days old (already? HOW?) and I look forward to sob-laughing my way through these.

I’m truly sorry to hear your spouse can’t get time off work. It’s so important. I’ve had plenty of times when this was hard to coordinate. My parents did too. They bought a timeshare (in the 1980s when it was newish) and for years they said it forced a vacation. They were grateful. Not sure it’s a great strategy, but sharing to share. Keep pushing if you can.

Hi Betsy,

My wife and I have never had jobs that accrued PTO (or if they did it maxed out at 2 weeks a year and doubled as sick pay). We have always struggled to take vacations because on top of the cost of travel we have to budget for being unpaid in that time. It’s not a situation shared or understood by most of our friends and family, which makes navigating others expectations around vacation really hard. I wish everyone had PTO and the flexibility to use it as wanted/needed!

I really hope you can figure something out. That amount is large – I’d guess 2+ years in the making without significant time off. Could he be making his role overimportant? We had that issue once. If he’s not top of the chain, I’d encourage him to speak to a supervisor and lay out the reality. Maybe he’d be comfortable planning well in advance- 2 weeks over Christmas that he preps his team for a LOT? You writing family makes me think of kids – not ideal, but maybe in place he could take a bunch of single or half-days to do mini-adventures, every Friday? Still make some memories. If we get out kids early from daycare at 3pm and do a lake picnic dinner it’s always “the best thing ever”.

Hi Grace,

I see you, I hear you, I am you. I haven’t had a paid day off in 14 years (not for a holiday, vacation, illness, or anything). Just wanted to say hello, and you’re not alone.

And I hope that improves for you and your spouse, Betsy! Much love to everyone, we all need and deserve time off. xo

I feel your pain too! My partner and I started our small business right before the pandemic, we’ve managed to hold on and keep things from folding but vacation has not been a possibility at all. I try to keep things in perspective, that we’re building a life for ourselves on our own terms – but sometimes you just need a break!

Agree, YAY!

STELLLAAAAAAAA

Wishing you peace and hope during this difficult chapter in your life. May you come out stronger having learned things not otherwise known. Warm hugs to you.

I am so sorry to hear this. If you lived in my city (Madison, WI) I’d take your dog temporarily. Recover, one day at a time and know that thoughts are with you.

emily

did they do a hypercoaguable work up for you?

you can do this. wow you’re already doing it.

xoxo al

I’m so sorry to hear, Emily! I hope you take it one day at a time and take gentle care of yourself. Virtual hug from an internet stranger!

Sending you love, Emily. I hope you find ways to soothe your nervous system while you heal.
–From another COJ reader who needs to build local community. You’re not alone in your aloneness. hugs.

Emily–hang in there! My husband had PEs that landed him in the hospital about more than a decade ago. It takes time to get over the exhaustion and recover, but it can be done.

It is also hard to come to grips with coming so close to death. I hope it leads you to a life that you find more fulfilling!

Sending love! What city are you in? (If you’re comfortable sharing.) Maybe someone on here can help with dog care!

@Emily Johnson – I too hope you recover quickly and I totally relate to that feeling of isolation.

Even though I am married, it is an uncomfortable feeling not knowing who you can call for help – or even for more enjoyable things like a last minute drink, coffee or walk.

Probably a good idea for all of us pet owners to be thinking about a plan in case of emergency (ie dog walker, neighbor, co-worker). I’ve found people on my community Next Door group who seem super willing to step in and help for all kinds of situations so that may be one consideration.

As far as building community – it so important. I’ve been trying to do that as well. I just wanted to offer that I feel better since I’ve been taking some steps to meet new people – including through some of the COJ groups that sprung up following that crazy virtual thread earlier this year – and other means. I will also say, it takes time and still feels awkward but I believe it will be worth it in the end.

Best of luck to you!

Hi everyone!

Thank you for the well wishes. I ended up contacting an acquaintance I barely knew who was able to contact my neighbor who was thrilled to watch my dog for me. My sister is here with me now so I’m not alone and I am overwhelmed with kindness from medical professionals and people who barely know me. I definitely recommend having an emergency plan for pet care.

I am trying to get in to see a hematologist soon. I am super tired and don’t really know what to think about my suddenly very apparent mortality, which was purely theoretical for the first 36 years of my life. It’s going to be a process.

Hi Emily – I lived alone for many, many years and was so used to taking care of myself that I didn’t think much about it. Then I had a medical emergency late at night in my mid-30’s. I ended up okay, but it really threw me for a loop. I felt so vulnerable all of a sudden, and it took a few beats for me to get back to feeling secure again. Acupuncture and reiki both helped calm down my nervous system in the aftermath – I would think massage might help also, if the doctors sign off on it. Wishing you all the best. I’m so glad you have some support.

May you be safe, may you be well, may you be strong, may you be content, may you live with ease.

@Emily Johnson, I’m sorry to hear you experienced a pulmonary embolism, I suffered from it when I was only 33 after a miscarriage -I am 52 now (wow, that went by fast!). I’m living a good, happy, healthy life. The first year for me seemed urgent, mysterious, and a bit disconcerting, but I am confident that you will find your stride and be stronger from it. I’ve posted my email here if you want to reach out for an email chat (and believe no one will use it to spam me). Take care!

“…don’t really know what to think about my suddenly very apparent mortality, which was purely theoretical for the first 36 years of my life.” I wanted to say ME TOO to this. While not me, my husband is going through cancer treatment & I’m also 36 and coming to terms with the fact we aren’t going to be here forever. Sending love to you.