Have a Great Weekend.

Thank goodness!

But still such a good idea!!

But it is so nice to relax on a Friday and leisurely open links, one by one! :)

Yikes, what a nightmare.

Let’s try not to cause nightmares traveling incognito as “help”.

If you truly have a hard time getting a response from someone going through hell, you can always leave a chilled cooler full of
Easy to heat foods (in foil tins) maybe a gift card or two for takeout, and a note listing very specific tasks you are willing and able to handle. One run to the store or stores PER DAY could be a lifesaver for someone who can’t manage to put on a complete outfit. Ditto for transporting children. Think if your least favorite, most difficult or tedious task AND OFFER THAT. State a time (maybe tomorrow) when you will call to get her response. I have also texted friends to say, going to the market in an hour, please send list!……..cause it can be so hard to respond to that on the spot.

When my Dad died, so many friends were generous and thoughtful to send the lasagna type thing, which is just wonderful— but another sent a large bunch of tulips and several containers of cut and cleaned raw veggies. Just what we needed to counter all those rich goodies.

But yes, it’s easy to see how a kind gesture might turn into a disaster of a situation unless we really think through the details.

@C: Wow. I am so sorry you had this experience. I worry about the advice that is so trendy now, to decide for the struggling person what you can do for them and then just do it for them. While well intentioned, and sometimes very helpful, I agree that it could be problematic in some cases. I personally still like the idea of saying, “If there is anything I can do to help out, please let me know…” perhaps adding a specific suggestion like, “I am available on *Tuesday afternoon* to *rake your yard or maybe do your dishes* if that would be helpful?” And never bring a bunch of extra people unless the person asks you to!!!

I literally got anxiety reading how to help someone going through a rough time. If I’m going through a rough time….the last thing I want is someone folding laundry, doing dishes, and cleaning my bathroom! Holy anxiety levels would be on overdrive. Check in on the person via text or call. Drop a meal at the door and leave – text the person “I left a meal, no need to return the dish, just enjoy!”

So glad I’m not alone in this.

The thought of someone taking and doing my laundry or cleaning my house sounds insanely stressful and awful.

I would 100% hate that and in fact did hate that when family members tried to do similar things when my oldest daughter was born.

Gift certificate for a meal from a nearby restaurant, or pooling money for a house cleaner to come by, or a landscaper to mow the lawn would probably be okay… but ugh. A work party in my yard when I’m already struggling?? A NIGHTMARE.

Oh my gosh, C. … What a disaster. Sometimes I just want to walk my own path as I need to. I don’t need anyone to figure out what I haven’t said I need. It IS a fine line between intrusion and assistance when times are rough.

And I should have mentioned, unless you know for certain what someone eats, prepared meals could be well-intentioned but if neighbors left us a pizza or delivered a casserole or even a gift card to a restaurant, we’re whole food, plant-based and now I have to figure out what to do with this… we can’t pass on to another neighbor without creating a uncomfortable vibe. We don’t announce how we choose to eat and when we gather with friends, it’s not front and center. Sometimes just asking if any assistance could be given IS enough.

YES! THIS!!! Know your person. That is so well said.

I have a very similar story. A very well meaning relative helped stopped by to check in on me after a surgery and I ended up having to entertain her, buy her dinner, tidy up, etc. It was so physically and emotionally draining and what’s worse is she would not take no for an answer and was so happy to “be there for me.”

Typically, when someone I know is having a rough go of it, I send them a store gift card to a place I know they frequent (or even Amazon) along with something I know they like (a notebook to journal in, a candle, a fancy hand soap, a free house cleaning from a service that I then help organize for them — as you so well said know your person!). Nothing they need to do, prepare, put on a cheerful face for, grit their teeth through. This is also exactly how I prefer to be cared for when I need to process things on my own.

Agree

I had the same issue–but the 30% was still helpful!

SAME to everything you said. Best comment I’ve ever read! Not reading the news every day and wasting hours reading people’s comments on the news = priceless.

May I also recommend the book “How to Break Up With Your Phone”? It gave me my life back and so much more!! I wish I could give that book to every person.

Rectangle eyes!!!!!!!

Same here!!! It has been awesome to have my brain back. Like no I don’t actually need to google that random thing, or search online for this thing to buy. I can just *be*.

Sending you hugs Clara!

I see you Clara! Sending you a virtual hug

Hope your luck is really truly good if you married someone after knowing them only 2 months! I cannot imagine!!!

I understand and I agree! We exist!

I have a single male friend who just recently came out as gay and has been really struggling with the dating scene (and with regular hard life things, too). Men, on average, are lacking in friendships that make them feel loved and held the way female friendships can. I’ve been trying to go out of my way to visit him and give him hugs, talk about his dating problems, and spend real quality time together so he knows he’s not alone out here. Our friend group is full of couples so I figure he’s probably thankful for some one-on-one hangs without the partner there all the time.

Having been on both sides of this particular coin, I think a big problem is that it’s almost impossible to accurately understand what another person is going through.

When I was single (but very much wishing I was partnered) I was very lonely a lot of the time. Now I am married and have two kids, and I will sometimes look back at those years of loneliness and think “You don’t know how good you had it!” Even though I can remember how visceral that feeling of loneliness was, I’m still terrible at being empathetic to my past self… so I think it’s even more difficult when you are talking about being empathetic to other people.

Things I wish I would have/could have done back then:
Stopped thinking about finding a partner and set up my life for ME.
Joined groups doing stuff I was interested in. (For me, that would look like book clubs and hiking)
Found a volunteer position somewhere that made me feel I was making a difference.

I hear you and I see you. I’m grappling with the fact that I’m 40 and once my parents are gone (not for a long time), I will be totally alone. My extended family isn’t going to stick around, my brother will take the money and run as far from me as he possibly can, and that’ll be that.

It’s terrifying.

It’s a normal feeling to have. I agree with most of what you said, and as for the jealousy, well that is unfortunate. People have a tendency to think everyone has it better than them. I got married at 33 and still recall how it felt getting backhanded sympathy from friends with husbands, and even kids. They just don’t know how to respond to your problem and try to comfort you with things they miss having. My advice? Don’t vent to them, it’ll spark your jealousy even more and keep busy with hobbies, interests, etc. Life has a way of sorting things out when you’re not looking or trying so hard. Hopefully you’ll soon find what you’re looking for!

Brianna – I’m 38. Same. In the midst of caregiving, wondering what place I’ll have, if any, in my sibling’s family after my parents pass, wondering what it will be like not to be part of an immediate family, I feel the terror, too. I see you. I’m standing next to you, holding your hand.

Do you try to schedule things to do with friends, singles or couples, to lessen the solitude? Unless your close friends know you’re lonely, others might hesitate to assume that. When I was single I would have felt a little odd if someone assumed I needed company solely because I didn’t have a partner.

Americans are overly obsessed with dating and Nigerians are overly obsessed with marriage. Equally ridiculous and tiresome. There is much more to life than being partnered.

I really hear you also. I paid attention to how many articles and news stories I saw that talked about parents and elderly people struggling during pandemic shutdowns, before I ever saw a single mention of it being important to check on single adults also. It felt like such a clear example of how much U.S. culture forgets about adults without partners or children.

i feel this too

Brianna, there’s a community here and we won’t let you be alone. We are available instantly in this space, and COJ readers seem to be everywhere……most likely some of us are physically near you. Try not to worry. You won’t be alone.

It is difficult absolutely. Especially because it isn’t just about those feelings, but also the practical aspects like getting a ride to a medical appointment–it is a favor if you ask your friends but expected that your partner will drive you. And if your friends can’t do it, then there is the added expense of having to pay for a service that in our culture we assume will be covered by a partner/family. In addition to the fact that we as a culture look at being single as a temporary and undesirable state. And that folks are always giving tips with the end result being that of course you will find a partner because you have a very full life, which isn’t always the case and shouldn’t one want to have a full life regardless of being partnered or not?

I didn’t touch anyone for 18 months during the pandemic. At all. Partnered friends living with someone would try to relate by saying they missed hugging friends. Not the same thing as no human contact. Their struggle was their struggle and I appreciated it, but it really very often feels like folks who are single who struggle with not being anyone’s top priority, with having to navigate so many things in world built for partnership with assumed partnership are not really seen.

I feel you.

Your mum sounds like a treasure. Got me teary!

This made me tear up! What a touching act of service and love.

This hit me so hard. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve read this week. God bless your mum.

This is just so beautiful!

Hard agree. It’s traumatic.

Wow! That house is amazing – thanks for linking this!

Wish I was looking for a home in your neighborhood. LOVE!
And the bonus would be a COJ reader as a possible friend. :)
Thanks for posting the cool house.

What a lovely home! And Jacksonville sounds delightful to this Wisconsinite. Hope it finds exactly the right new people!

I rent my house and we have a very pink 1950’s bathroom. Little kids love it and everyone else is polite about it. It is so…pink.

I couldn’t agree with this more, “two humans meeting to make a connection” ❤️