Four Fun Things

Love a bold sweater! Following those links also resurfaced a memory of aa blue top and black bottoms being our DIY band “uniform” in middle school. The brain holds so many hidden surprises!

Caissie St. Onge, who cohosts the podcast Busy Philipps is Doing Her Best, sticks to “It’s so good to see you!” when you greet someone. No need to comment on their appearance! There are so many reasons a person’s appearance may change, and, like others have noted in these comments, not all of them are positive.

When I was at my most thin, I was also at my most miserable and barely ate to sustain my appearance. I was complimented a lot. Shows how f’d up things are.

I never had more compliments on my body then when I rapidly lost 20 pounds from the stress of a breast cancer diagnosis. It was such a strange disconnect to feel so shitty in my body and have so many people tell me how great I looked. Honestly all the compliments were just a reminder of how sick I was.

I really appreciate the discussion on bodies (how we talk about them, how we think about them, etc); thank you for creating a space to engage in this very important topic.

I had a question. I have some folks in my life (a good friend and guy I recently began seeing) who are on weight loss journeys. I think they are both beautiful people inside and out, but from this discussion and my own reflection, I am wondering if it’s inappropriate to compliment physical features in the way that I have in the past and would really appreciate any feedback.

When I’ve gone on dates with the guy, I’ve told him that he looks nice when I first see him (because I like how he’s dresses and I think he’s a handsome dude). I’m just wondering if those sort of compliments need to be framed in a different way since my intention is to acknowledge the effort he had put into his outfit and convey that I’m attracted to him. Just want to be more body positive with the language I use; thanks in advance!

Thank you for this post. I resonate with the comment on not commenting on a persons weight. We are so much more than our bodies. It is such a shame when people focus on that about someone. I struggled for 9 years with an eating disorder throughout my adolescence and into my early twenties. I was so sickly thin and I remember walking down the street as a child and people actually pointing at me and calling me names – telling me to “eat a hamburger” – all while I was keeping to myself. These were so cruel the shame will forever stay with me from these people I will never know. I was at a club in Italy in my twenties and a man literally walked up to me and grabbed my arm and pinched it out of the blue and told me to eat more – that I would be prettier! How sad it is to remember how cruel people can be. Thank you for shedding light on this. It isn’t just for people who have lost weight – this is about every size, just don’t say anything. You absolutely never know the lasting effects you may have on someone.

Unfortunately, I have so many examples of people commenting on my body over the years. I imagine many of us do.
When the lady working the deli asked me if I was having a boy or girl. I was not pregnant.
When my doctor’s assistant asked my weight and responded with “you don’t look like you weigh that much.”
When another lady patted my belly and asked “is there a baby in there?” Also, not pregnant.
When I was in high school and family members would say I was too skinny and ask me if I was anorexic.
I’ve always wondered what it is about me that says “please, comment on my appearance.”

I’ve been watching Selena and Chef while I make dinner some nights and one of my favorite parts is Selena’s look. I like her style in general- not just on the show! (Also, how gutsy to learn to cook on a show!)

There are many great comments here providing great reasons to not comment on someone’s weight/weight loss. But EVEN IF a person is happy about their weight loss, or intended/worked hard for the weight loss, it is still not appropriate to congratulate or praise the change because it is reinforcing anti-fat bias. It is saying you are “better” now (or prettier now, more worthy, etc) than before because of your size. and that is not ok! Our weights are always in flux and to imply (as well intentioned as it may be) that skinnier is better is so toxic, it is worth repeating!

I am 💯 for not asking people about their weight. My daughter has struggled with an eating disorder for nearly 10 years. It’s terrifying and heartbreaking. When she was first experiencing symptoms, my eyes were opened to how much weight -the right weight- is a focus of conversations, advertising, goals, etc. from shaming bodies for not being thin enough to believing you have to be a certain weight to be attractive (loved) or beating yourself up for having dessert.

People experiencing weight shifts for a variety of reasons and I think it is best not to comment. There are many other more interesting and healthy conversations to have and many other ways to tell loved ones how much they mean to you or how beautiful they are inside and out.

Tomato soup and grilled cheese for the win! It’s going to be on my table this weekend.

As someone who has had multiple miscarriages and one late term loss, I really resonate with stopping comments about weight. I felt like whenever someone commented on how I appeared it was a subtle hint at if I was feeling better, trying again or even expecting again. I’d much rather have an honest conversation with someone about where I am at rather than have them assume based on my appearance.

To Lori who ask if anyone would spend $1000+ for a caftan, the answer is NEVER IN A MILLION YEAR. That’s simply ridiculous IMO.

Yeah, I no longer comment on people’s bodies, particularly weight. Our culture is obsessed with it and it needs to stop. Like another poster wrote, I too, changed when I saw an old friend after a period of time who I barely recognized due to significant weight loss. He died about a month later of cancer.
My mother-in-law always was critical of her family members if they gained an ounce. The badgering she did to her granddaughters was despicable, particularly the younger one who had three kidney transplants over the years and had medically induced weight gains. She went after her sons if/when they developed a belly. Dealing with her was traumatic for most of the family, nothing was ever good enough for her.
So, I have seen in recent years my friends commenting about people’s bodies including their own. Where did this fixation come from? The Twiggy Era? I’m trying to figure it out.

Over the years, many people have asked me if I have lost weight. I have always been slender, so when they ask me that, it doesn’t sound like a compliment at all, and I don’t think they mean it to be a compliment (implication — have you lost weight? are you ok?) My weight has actually been stable, and maybe it’s age (or overwork?) that is making me look thinner…. but every time I hear someone ask me that, it makes me cringe, puts me down so much and I start wondering, “Do I really look gaunt??” and I go through phases of eating more than I want (in hopes of trying to look fuller). When people ask me this question, it’s usually right after the hello’s, and it feels like it’s just an observation they are making. I just quickly say, no, I am the same. (But the other day, when a colleague asked me that, I told him I get that question a lot, and I don’t really like it.) Maybe they don’t realize how much of an impact their words have on me, but they do. It’s really better not to comment on other people’s body weight.

I try not to comment on someone’s appearance unless they bring it up first. Like, if they mention they got their hair cut or coloured, or if they say they are wearing a new outfit, I figure it’s fair game to tell them they look fantastic. But I never comment on someone’s weight! Just like I never ask a person if they’re pregnant! I promise if they want to talk about it, they will open the door and be the first to bring it up in conversation. Wholeheartedly agree we have more interesting things to discuss.

I love tomato soup and grilled cheese on a fall day! My favorite tomato soup hack makes it effortless. It’s just one can of evaporated milk, one can of basic tomato soup, and one jar of marinara mixed together and heated until warm. I wish I could find where I originally read it on… I’d give them a thousand thank yous.

Also, can I just say I love how far we’ve come since the early 2000s on issues of body image whilst acknowledging that we still have a long way to go? That applies to me personally too. I am still trying to deprogram all of the toxicity of those teen and young adult years from my soul. We were sold a bill of goods that our bodies were our currency and the only worthwhile currency was thinness. I hope all the people who write these posts know how much it means when you include options in plus sizes like with the blue sweater today. It says, “you and your body are welcome and accepted here”. What a joy that is…

More than a decade ago I lost quite a bit of weight, and like most people who lose weight, gained it back over time. I still remember every single person who told me I looked good, and I think about how they obviously didn’t think I looked good before the weight loss or now that I’ve gained it back. I personally think we should never comment on other people’s bodies, unless you want your words potentially echoing through their brain for years.

Growing up one (beloved) grandma would always feel my ribs and say things like “you’re so skinny,” and it was humiliating. The hints that because I was thin then I must have an eating disorder. The comments continued into adulthood (mostly about bun size!) and when she said my two year old daughter unfortunately got the family “butt,” I vowed the crap ended with me. Third time pregnant and my now four year old often comments on my body’s extravagant curves and I force myself to say, “Yep—isn’t it wild what bodies can do,” and the like. She loves her body and I am proud of that! I realize now so much of my grandma’s fixation on other people’s bodies had to do with deep-seated insecurity about her own. She passed away in April and I would give anything to have her back and be able to give her a squeeze and say what I know she needed/wanted to hear: “Grandma, you are beautiful.”

Katie’s outfit (and attitude!) for the win!

Agreed all around here – About 20 years ago I ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in ages and said, “wow, you look so great!” (after she had clearly lost a lot of weight) and her response was, “yep, cancer sucks but I can’t deny that it’s been a great diet.” Her response was perfectly timed (I bet she had to practice that one a lot!) and perfectly snarky and it shut me right up and taught me the lifelong lesson of NEVER, EVER commenting on someone’s appearance. We just don’t know what’s going on behind the loss/gain and it’s not our place to find out unless they bring it up first. Lesson learned!

OK, this is not a joke, I may have written this before, but I would love the hive to reply. I ran into an acquaintance at yoga for the first time since the pandemic. She looked at me in shock and said “WHAT happened to you??” To which I replied “Well I was diagnosed with stage four cancer at the start of the pandemic, and gained 57 pounds from hormone blockers, steroids, antidepressants, having my ovaries out, medication, etc. and she said, no seriously. Wow, I’d rather have died.” Then she asked if she could borrow my earrings. I didn’t say anything, but the next time I see her I seriously want to call her out as some kind of sociopath.

YES to tomato soup and toasted cheese! It’s cold and rainy, and only Tuesday. Molten cheese on sourdough with a cup Campbell’s was clearly the ONLY acceptable dinner.

OMG, yes, PLEASE say nothing about weight loss! I lost about 20 lbs a while back and. was so uncomfortable talking about it. Part of it was due to the stress of sending my kid back to school before vaccines were available for his age group, part was intentional. The first time i saw my friends they kept making a big deal about it while I tried to deflect. One of them finally said “just say thank you.” Why should I say thank you when I don’t think “you are so tiny” is a compliment or should even be a discussion? It just made me really uncomfortable.

The weight thing is interesting to me…I’ve been thinking about it a lot the past year or so. Last year I lost 25 lbs (on purpose, with Noom…don’t @ me). I felt really proud of myself for accomplishing a goal and I felt good in my clothes. But when I would see people after not seeing them for a while, it felt strange for them to *not* comment on obvious weight loss…but when people *did* comment, it felt icky, too! Either way, it’s caused me to continue to investigate in myself why I wanted to lose weight, why I want to be a certain size, etc. (Also, I agree with a few of the people who said it depends on the relationship. If my sister or best friend said I looked good, it felt wonderful, because they knew the ins and outs of the journey I was on!)

That blue sweater is gorgeous and reminded me of the iconic scene in Devil Wears Prada… cerulean blue!!